Hi.
I need some opinions/help please. It may be long but I've tried to include as much relevant info as possible.
I have been with my partner 6 years and we have two children 3 and 1, the eldest is autistic. Before meeting my partner I was in an extremely abusive relationship and I have significant trauma, however I have worked through this in therapy and on my own. But I don't think that sort of pain ever leaves a person.
My partner has borderline personality disorder, ADHD and autism. All diagnosed and therapy sought, medication etc. I have always been tolerant of his behaviours and quirks despite how rude/mean he can be to me and others.
This past year has been really hard. One blow after another and we are fortunate to have survived it. But I think we are hanging by a very thin thread.
He's now horrible all the time, I hardly see any good anymore. I can never be frustrated or upset when I've had a hard day with the children as he says it stresses him out. He can't do any wake ups as he can't cope with them. No nappy changes. No help with the children at all, as the noise/mess etc is too much. He will however do the washing, hoovering, lunches and dishes, and goes the shop for whatever we need. Which I am extremely grateful for as our Sen child cannot be left unattended for even a second and these jobs I would have to do when they go to bed.
He calls me the c word regularly when he is annoyed/angry about something. Ive repeatedly told him not to as this is what my abusive ex used to do and it's extremely triggering for me. He doesn't care. He also said today it was lucky I had a minge because if I was a man he'd have laid me out. He's never physically hurt me but there are holes in the walls and doors from him punching them and he threw a shoe in my direction today which I suppose is an escalation.
I am scared of him and feel a bit trapped as he has nowhere else to go and nobody else to understand why he is the way he is. His family have washed their hands of him recently as his behaviour extended to them too. He will honestly be homeless if I ask him to leave and I just can't do that to him.
Hes done numerous things in the past I've had to forgive him for such as messaging my own sister on a dating app. Snap chatting other women. Messaging other women on various platforms and I truly believe the only reason he hasn't cheated is because nobody took him up on his advances. But I'm also not allowed to feel anything about these indiscretions or he gets very angry and it was my fault for looking through his phone, which I do know was wrong and maybe in hindsight ignorance would have been bliss.
All these behaviours are making me extremely sick, I've lost a significant amount of weight, hair is falling out etc and I don't know where to turn. I don't really have anybody I can go to/ask for help. The tenancy is joint and so are finances. I've considered asking somebody to help me section him but he said he would fight every step of the way and kill himself if that ever happened. Plus I don't know how I'd do it without him finding out and running away.
I don't want to betray him but he's extremely unwell and extremely unhappy. He can be kind and loving and generous. But there's none of that left anymore, it's just a giant black hole of selfishness, anger and resentment. I cry myself to sleep every night. How can I help him? How can I bring him back to who he was before? Or am I naive and stupid and this is who he's always been and will be?