AIBU to be livid at DH’s behaviour?

[Turtlesforever]

My DH has form for making big plans/ decisions about our home without telling me.
It started off with him putting up outside CCTV without telling me. He bought a massive TV without running it past me. Choose some bathroom tiles on his own. So started off with minor things.
Then 2 years ago he made huge plans for a big extension we don’t need without talking to me about it first. He went as far as getting an architect round and quotes, & then raised it with me after that. He’d been planning it for months & even mentioned to our DC about “getting a bigger bedroom” before I was aware of his plans.
Recently we’ve had some guy coming round giving quotes for new windows- news to me!

Last week he showed me a picture of a type vintage vehicle he’s been hankering after for years. I’ve always said I was ok with him getting one at some point in the future, as long as he sorted the garage out first for it to be stored- which he hadn’t done, which I clearly pointed out to him. Next thing I know he bought it!!! Made plans to travel across the country to pick it up and he dropped that one the night before he went. I’ve just had enough.

how would you deal with this? Am I overreacting by being really pissed off with it? We own the house together btw. Both work FT, his income is huge compared to mine.

He would be living in his vintage car! He doesn't respect you and doesn't respect your marriage.
I would be having a serious conversation with him, making new and clear rules about joint discussions and decisions. If he chooses to then disrespect them then he would be on his own.

I'd have had enough too. Any ND / MH issues? Can he afford it? Is he using his or family money?

No not ND,
MH I have wondered about as he does have some terrible bad moods for no reason at all, but all his family are a bit like that.
it’s family money really. Although we do have separate bank accounts we are both contributing. He earns well so yes, on the whole I think it can be afforded although this week I am getting worried he’s gone overboard

The extension is bizarre because it’s not exactly a small job and you’d both have to live with the disruption for months. The car, I think adults should be free to buy stuff they want for themselves with the money they earn without asking permission. I wouldn’t think for a moment to ask DH if I could spend my money and wouldn’t expect it of him. Why bother to “earn well” if you can’t buy stuff or need to negotiate over it?

Have you had any discussions with him about this ? If so, what was his reaction when you raised this as an issue ?

Many discussions. He always apologises, admits he should have told me. Then the behaviour is repeated.

Was also wondering this.

Edit: just seen your update.

Would you really make a purchase of something worth over £10,000 without telling your spouse you were doing it?? I’m not giving or denying permission, it’s about communication.

Yanbu about the house stuff, but I I think you are when it comes to the car. If he can afford it, and it’s not coming out of your joint savings, I think he should be able to spend his own money on this if he wants to. I don’t consult my dh when I treat myself to something expensive if I use my own money.

Depends on salary and savings tbh.

For some people £10k would be financially disastrous, in others it would be a drop in the ocean.

And even if it is comfortably affordable, do you have a similar amount of money to spend on a whim? Or is this more about a power dynamic ?

Absolutely not, if I wanted something that was worth that much I would have to ask him for it.

I really think anything over a few hundred pounds should at least be mentioned to your partner. My husband was on a waiting list for a season ticket for a particular football team for over five years but still ran spending the £700 by me before he did it when he was offered one.

Absolutely not, if I wanted something that was worth that much I would have to ask him for it.

Well no, not now you don't - surely you're now due to spend the same amount on something you want without consultation? If he disagrees, I would very much like to hear why.

When I want a car or a motorbike (or anything else) I buy it. I earn the money for it, why would I need to tell DH? He doesn’t get to say yes or no, so what’s the point? He’ll find out when it arrives at home. I might, as your DH did, communicate that I was thinking of doing it at some point, or show him a couple of things I had my eye on, but that would be about it.

If he doesn’t currently have anywhere to store it, that’s his problem to sort out, not yours. You don’t need to get involved.

I don't think it's great that you've discussed and explained that you would like to be told about his plans. I suppose it's about sharing and wanting to be included. Not about giving permission , as you said. What's your relationship like outside of this complication ?

I can sympathise with you OP.
I spent a few years constantly on edge wondering what my DH would buy next….

He’d book expensive holidays abroad without considering my work commitments or the DC schooling.
He bought his mate a motorbike.
He bought a boat, a new car, new sofas and a puppy…..all without talking to me about it.

He had a very long depressive episode and was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar.

Turns out all of these purchases were made when he was manic. He was on a ‘high’ and saw something he wanted and bought it. Saw adverts on the tv for charity and donated large amounts. Friends that had debts, he paid them. It was a really hard time because although we were comfortably off, I never knew what he bring home next and worst of all I was worried people would take advantage.

I’m by no means implying that your DH has Bipolar….more that I can sympathise with how unsettling it is!

Believe me I didn’t get involved, there’s been a lot of frantic garage clearing going on & now there’s random boxes of stuff being dumped around the house!

if the car purchase was a stand alone incident I don’t think I would be quite as incensed, I think because it’s come off the back of all the previous behaviour it’s just pushed me over the edge

He’s by no means as extreme as this! Poor you that must be very hard to live with.

I’ll be honest bi polar has crossed my mind. There are some unexplainable really low moods that last for a few days. Can you get milder forms? I would never describe him as “manic” but he does seem to go overboard sometimes.

@Turtlesforever

Thankfully the medication he’s been on for the past 5/6 years has been amazing and his mood is quite constant now. He’ll have days when he’s overly happy/chatty/excitable and days when he hasn’t slept and has a ‘low mood’ but they are few and far between now.

I think bipolar generally presents in different ways for different people. So I presume the highs and lows can be less/more extreme.

In my DH case though I’d take the manic highs over the lows any day. He could buy every boat and puppy he laid his eyes on rather than have the shell of him we had for months.

GoodnightJude1, thank you for sharing that. Glad to hear things are better now.

Yes it’s exactly that. Given that we share lives and finances.
the relationship is ok outside of that I guess, it’s been going on for so long now though I do think it’s having a negative impact on the way I feel.

" I would never describe him as “manic”"

The grand plans and big spending that you've described sound like textbook manic behaviour.

Assuming he is using his own money and not joint savings, the only thing that would annoy me on the list is the extension. That sounds very disruptive so I would expect to be involved in that decision.

This is interesting. I know the impulsive behaviour is part of being manic, but I assumed it would need to be coupled with other typical manic behaviours such as euphoria, excessive activity, poor concentration and so on.
is this classed as manic on its own?

Interesting. My husband the same. he bought a Rolex without really asking if it was okay, just told me.
Also books holidays without joint discussions and other things like a £700 bbq