To confront parents in law about behaviour

[morecoffeepleease]

I am a bit stuck about what to do with recent toxic behaviour from my parents in law. OH thinks we should let it lie but I would like to confront them. AIBU in wanting to stick up for myself even if it risks a deeper rift?

Context - they have never really liked me, vibe I get is they wanted a quiet, traditional wifey for their son, they've got the opposite in me. I have wound them up a few times by calling them out on their blatant sexism and other demeaning comments they've made towards me. They've criticised my appearance, my decision to go back to work after having our child, and our choice of living in a cheaper area so we can afford to live comfortably rather than have a snooty postcode, to name a few examples. I've never really stood up for myself in the name of keeping the peace.

This weekend we went to a family bbq and met some of my OH's distant relatives I'd never met before. After the relatives had had some wine it became clear that parents in law had trash talked me to them and 'warned' them of my 'extreme' political views (they don't like that I'm a passivist and anti-war, not sure how or when that became an extreme view). I'm extremely insulted they felt the need to do that, to me that's not giving me a chance to represent myself and let them make their own minds about me.

Also recently at a different family gathering, I was left alone with FIL for about 30 seconds, and he used that time to make a comment to me along the lines of 'surely it's time for a 2nd child now'. I brushed it off and ignored it. He then spoke to my OH and told him that I'd said we were definitely not having another child (lie!). OH got upset with me and asked why I'd made that decision, which I hadn't. We sorted it out between us but OH felt stuck in the middle, understandably, and I feel he was trying to upset our relationship, which again crosses the line.

How can I resolve this without causing a feud?!

Isn't if funny time after time it's the dil trying not to cause a fued, but the inlaws clearly don't have that thought on their own radar 🤔. If they were worried about causing a fued they wouldn't behave like this. Op your oh doest have the right to tell you to let it lie.. you are a family member and you have the right to be treated well, why is your oh happy for their feelings to be considered but not yours? Are you not part of the family ? You're not the one causing the fall out.. it's the inlaws and if you say nothing it will be a long life... speak up now and if ppl can't handle it then they should have thought about that before they ran their own mouth!!

Where have you got the information from that they disproved of you going back to work and your house? Did they say that directly to your face?

The biggest mistake people make about others is thinking they'll change. People don't change. Having a go at their politics or sexism will just make them dig their heels in further. They're not going to change their views.

You can handle them by seeing them less and having shorter meetings. By walking out of the room if they're blatantly rude. By not discussing anything personal with them such as amount of children - just smile and change the subject. Don't discuss politics. Learn how to be polite but vague.

If they're absolutely insufferable then don't see them.

I think you should tell your OH to confront him and not do it yourself.

Confronting them is pointless, you'll only solidify their impression of you in their minds. These people aren't going to be changing, and I doubt you will, either. The only way forward is very, very low contact or no contact.

i wouldn't confront them, but i wouldn't be going to visit them and i would leave it to DH to facilitate their relationship with your child.

Have they said things to your face about going back to work? your postcode etc? or are you imagining that's what they think based on some other things they do?

in any case: don't bother with the drama of a confrontation. Just leave them out of your life.

F

I would be asking OH why they didn't go straight back to FIL and ask 'why did you lie and say morecoffeepleease said we definitely wouldn't have more DC when she didn't?' It speaks volumes about someone's relationship with their parents (and maybe their own strength of character) if they don't defend their partner in these situations and that's what I would be wanting to address tbh OP.

Your OP needs to grow a fucking backbone and make it clear to his parents that if they want a relationship with him and their grandchild, they will treat his wife with respect. They don't have to like you (and who fucking cares, they sound ghastly) but they don't get to make your life a misery. One rude comment, one snide dig, and you all get up and leave. It's really the only solution here - if your DH is too lazy, cowardly and disloyal to stand up to his own parents for you, then their behaviour won't change - in which case I would refuse to see them or facilitate their seeing my child. Actions have consequences.

Your husband needs to do it. They are his parents, he needs to tell them to wind their necks in.

I feel for you. My husband had to do the same with my MIL (who was having a go at both of us). It's not a nice feeling, being disapproved of when you haven't done anything wrong. But really, it's a problem inside their heads.

he used that time to make a comment to me along the lines of 'surely it's time for a 2nd child now'. I brushed it off and ignored it. He then spoke to my OH and told him that I'd said we were definitely not having another child (lie!). OH got upset with me and asked why I'd made that decision, which I hadn't.

I find it strange on your husband’s part that he automatically believed his father that you’d confide in him about expanding your family before you spoke to him. Yes it’s hard for him to be stuck in the middle but he needs to engage his brain a bit more. You’re his wife, he should know you well enough to know you wouldn’t have said that to his dad. Hopefully he knows his own parents well enough to realise what they’re capable of.

I definitely think if anyone should be confronting these people it shouldn’t be you- you would just play right into their hands as in their minds, they were right to judge you and generally be dicks because now you’re being “confrontational.” Basically, it’ll be twisted whatever you said.

Firstly, you have a DH problem. He's not standing up for you and his first instinct is to believe them over you.

Secondly, calling people out doesn't work. You won't change them, just cause drama. Just see them less.

I thought you were a passivist? If so you should abide by your own principles and let them be. They have their worldview. You have yours. No need for a ‘confrontation’.

You could try reconciliation which is a peaceful means to solve conflict but I’m afraid, despite your politics, you sound very much on a war footing where you are right and they are wrong. But genuine curiosity as to why they behave and act the way they do, and a genuine desire to meet them in the middle would be a good start if you were willing.

Can't believe people think you shouldn't call them out on their sexism. Of course you should.

If you don't, then in a few years you have your children parroting things like "a woman's place is in the kitchen" because granddad told them so.

Yes she has said various things to my face. The exact words in the case of going back to work were "children are so stupid these days because their mothers spend too much time at work" about 2 minutes after me announcing when I was returning to work.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Just stop seeing them, your DH can see then on his own if he wants. There is nothing you can say that is going to make this better, they've already decided they don't like you and anything you say to criticise them is just going to make them dislike you more.

It's a hard one this. My gut feeling is they won't change. I think I should share my situation; as I think it might help with yours. I have always had a difficult relationship with my dad. They live in a nice postcode...me on a council estate. Similar to you we don't worry for money as a result. Side note: after 10 years and lots of saving...we are now in a position to move into our dream house as a result 👍

When I told him and his girlfriend the name of my child; his girlfriend ranted for 10 minutes how my child wouldn't succeed in life and be bullied. Side note: everyone loves his name and it fits him to a T. Both talk about people needing help and on benefits like they are sub humans at least every third visit. I used to work in that sector. My dad never made effort really to visit. Or ask about my child.

They just couldn't seem to grasp we are in a cost of living crisis (their own house is five times it's value since they bought it and their wages have increased 15% in that time) and that no children are really called Paul or John anymore 🙈🙈🙈

The up shot of it is I eventually confronted him in a diplomatic conversational way. No argument...just how I felt. After decades of walking on egg shells and feeling not good enough. Him always undermining my choices and views. I told him I felt like he was a stranger; that we as a family felt unwelcome in his home. I started inviting him round without his girlfriend. We had never got on in 25 years; just suffered each other. I told him that he was my father and we were now adults. I did not need to have a relationship with her to be close to him.

Fast forward 6 months nothing changed (except they made my husband a brew and got toys out for their grandchild when we visited). I then felt justified telling him I didn't want a relationship with him anymore; that nothing would change...it takes two people's efforts to improve things. He is my father; but we have nothing in common besides. It's the best decision I ever made. The weight that shifted off me was immeasurable. It's now been 6 years....and I never regretted it.

Your situation is a bit different given your DIL. But easier in some ways....little emotional connection. However you need to get your husband on board with tackling this with his parents. If he won't tell him he can visit on his own with your child from now on. That you respect his decision on this...they are his parents. But it's your choice as to who you have to endure. Then when he visits them; go and visit a lovely friend and have some child free time. Good luck OP ❤️

What are you hoping to achieve by confronting them? If the answer is an argument, falling out and more tension, go for it.

It sounds like you want to win, receive a sincere apology and see a behaviour change, but that won't happen.

You could try a different approach, whenever they start shit talking you or you hear gossip that they're spreading, laugh like a drain and say "Oh are the outlaws at it again?! Wild imagination those two." Then tell your husband instantly and publicly, laughing it up.

Or just completely avoid them.

Why does anyone have to confront them? All you would do is end up hurting your DH and putting him in a horrible position. They sound hard work and you sound hard work. Can’t you just avoid seeing them so much. All my friends who clash with their in laws do so because they are too similar to each other. My totally unscientific observation is that people with a dominant parent often marry a dominant partner as that is what they are used to. Clashes are then inevitable.

The trouble is, your PIL disapprove of decisions you and your husband have made together, but they are acting as if you make all the decisions so they're projecting all disapproval onto you and your DH doesn't get it in the same way. Instead of confronting them, start agreeing with them and put it all on your DH. Mums shouldn't be in the workplace? Oh yes that's what I said but DH doesn't agree. Don't live in the right area? Oh I totally agree with you but DH wants to live here. Make it impossible for you to end up the scapegoat for your collective decision making and I'll bet that either they mysteriously back off, or your DH will have to actually start doing the defending himself, as he should be.

All I want to know is what is a passivist, and what is a fued?

@NikNak321

no children are really called Paul or John anymore

My next door neighbour's 6 month old is Paul John! Get with the agenda.

@NikNak321 haha on the names... thanks for sharing and I'm glad you've found the freedom you deserve from that situation!

@Octonaut4Life you have hit the nail on the head here, that is exactly the issue. Their DS can do no wrong therefore it must all be me! Perhaps my tactics need to change!

You are SO clever.

Update: my OH asked his mum about what was said, I wasn't there and nor was FIL. She was defensive at first but then admitted that they had spoken to relatives about me. No real empathy from her but some acknowledgment. To be honest, I'm fine with that and happy to move on. I get my original message sounded like I was hellbent on starting a blowout argument but I did know deep down that wouldn't be sensible or productive!

Unfortunately the situation is extremely nuanced and more complicated than I can really explain, both the PILs had narcissistic parents of their own and they are good people at their core but have picked up some severely bad habits. They have a strong urge to control their children to keep their original family unit together and strong-minded partners come in and threaten that as they see it (SIL is no wallflower either!). I just have to keep reminding myself that their behaviour is more about them and their issues rather than me or how I've come across/behaved and try and have empathy with them. Despite my combative post (I was feeling angry at the time!) I have been incredibly passive and not fought them at anything other than things I've been forced to say (like 'no' to them having our child overnight when he was tiny & breastfeeding etc.)