To confront parents in law about behaviour

[morecoffeepleease]

I am a bit stuck about what to do with recent toxic behaviour from my parents in law. OH thinks we should let it lie but I would like to confront them. AIBU in wanting to stick up for myself even if it risks a deeper rift?

Context - they have never really liked me, vibe I get is they wanted a quiet, traditional wifey for their son, they've got the opposite in me. I have wound them up a few times by calling them out on their blatant sexism and other demeaning comments they've made towards me. They've criticised my appearance, my decision to go back to work after having our child, and our choice of living in a cheaper area so we can afford to live comfortably rather than have a snooty postcode, to name a few examples. I've never really stood up for myself in the name of keeping the peace.

This weekend we went to a family bbq and met some of my OH's distant relatives I'd never met before. After the relatives had had some wine it became clear that parents in law had trash talked me to them and 'warned' them of my 'extreme' political views (they don't like that I'm a passivist and anti-war, not sure how or when that became an extreme view). I'm extremely insulted they felt the need to do that, to me that's not giving me a chance to represent myself and let them make their own minds about me.

Also recently at a different family gathering, I was left alone with FIL for about 30 seconds, and he used that time to make a comment to me along the lines of 'surely it's time for a 2nd child now'. I brushed it off and ignored it. He then spoke to my OH and told him that I'd said we were definitely not having another child (lie!). OH got upset with me and asked why I'd made that decision, which I hadn't. We sorted it out between us but OH felt stuck in the middle, understandably, and I feel he was trying to upset our relationship, which again crosses the line.

How can I resolve this without causing a feud?!

Are you my sil?

my fil is the same. Hates women who work because that’s unkind to men. We’re meant to be subservient. Good girls who cook and clean and obey the men.

I pointed out to him once that if I was a stay home mum he’d think I was sponging off of DH. But because I work I’m a bad mother.

according to fil women are only good for one thing. It’s therefore no suprise he’s had 3 wives.

i now avoid as much as I can. I will have to see them next week because my Bil and sil are here and staying with them. But I don’t need to stick around much. I’ll be designated child care fun aunt to my nephews.

Glad your DH spoke to his mum, didn’t he bring up the weird lie about having no more kids though?

Another time he needs to take a step back and if they mention a conversation you’ve apparently had he shouldn’t jump to believe them - encourage him to just question it there and then, and if you’re around to call you over in a ‘hey, this is weird, you never had this conversation did you’ kind of way to show them you’re both on to they’re bizarre behaviour.

Agree with others this isn't your battle to fight, what other people think of you is none of your business etc... but I get it that the constant chipping away is exhausting, Give yourself a break.

Your DH knows what your parents are like which is why he doesn't bother engaging with them.

Escalating things never works.
Silence, seeing so little of them they would barely recognise you, leaving EVERYTHING to do with them up to your partner, refusing to speak or hear anything about them WORKS.

I have had several friends do this.
In laws asked where is X and they were told "busy" every single time.
No invites at Christmas as it was made clear she would absent herself and visit her own family for a stay.

They got the message and whilst none of them are in any way close, they are polite, respectful and keep their opinions to themselves.....all my friends ever wanted.

They keep their views on her, her career, her child rearing to themselves.
They never ever helped out or were asked to, so views on her child-rearing/career was the final nail....made very clear to husbands too.

Some inlaws feel the minute you marry their child, (usually sons)they have the right to comment on your every move and decisions...they are wrong.

Best to nip it in the bud immediately.
Those that establish these boundaries early on have better relationships all round.

My fil was just like this and I put up with it for years because it didn't bother me and DH was totally on my side. I only really challenged him once and he calmed down a bit. I killed them with kindness avoided contentious subjects and laughed about them. Me & DH later divorced. My husband remarried and the 2nd wife would argue with fil not see him swear at him it caused lots of trouble. My DC took sides ot all got a bit messy. I think unless it's really egregious best to be the adult and enjoy the bits that are enjoyable. There is so much friction in the world already. I am not a pushover but I knew he wouldn't change,so I changed how I reacted. It worked for me.

@Nettie1964 very interesting, I can see how that would have played out. If I look years into the future I definitely don't want to see any major family divisions. It's just not worth it. Would never want to come between DH/DC and grandparents, despite how I feel in the moment

@Candlelights1 interesting you've seen that play out a few times. Some boundaries definitely wouldn't go amiss in this situation, in fact the entire cause of this is their lack of boundaries in general

@Changingplace no he didn't bring that up, an opportunity missed imo but hey ho. I am confident though that he would handle it differently next time and can see that we need to keep conversations with parents surface level. A bit of a painful realisation for him sadly.

This can work both ways.
Another friend of mine is married to a lovely engineer.
He is a fantastic husband and man.
However her sister, who trained as a nurse, married a hospital consultant, bit full of himself but not the worst.
He was treated like the Lord God had entered the room whenever he was at a family gathering.
Her parents have made little digs over the years at him and his "job" versus other SIL's "huge career".....but one day she overheard her mother speaking to her sister about how her husband could do some jobs for them as it wasn't as if he had a big career or anything.

My friend was absolutely seething, she feels huge loyalty to her lovely husband.

She spoke to her parents the next day and told them she was done listening to their little digs at her husband, that she had zero wish to be around either of her parents going forward.

Her mother denied any knowledge of it but my friend was having none of it.

Things were very strained for many months but settled down after a while, however, my friend has never fully forgiven her parents and their relationship is cool.
They subsequently have mentioned him doing some DIY but my
my friend has batted tha way firmly away with contact sister, I'm sure golden balls can sort that out for you.

It's a point of pride for her, she wouldn't allow her husband change a light bulb for them.

It was very funny really. After my husband remarried. I suddenly became a great favorite of my Fil. He really was quiet bewildered that the rude things he said and did got called out by 2nd wife. He was that kind of man. He was right about everything the head of the family etc. My children loved him though and had different tolerance levels. I didn't really see him spart from special occasions I let dh handle his family. He said lots of rude things about me in front of my children but it was water off a ducks back.laugh about yr fil. I always think humour helps.

"well that's a lot of crap mil have you seen the level of maths done at primary school now it's what you were doing in senior school"

I think (in hindsight - I used to fall out with the PIL on a regular basis) that they see you doing things differently to them as a criticism.

Lol....🤣🤣🤣 John and Paul must be more popular in come areas 👍😉

Basically you can’t solve it, all you can do is find a way to live with it.

I speak from recent experience here, I would tread carefully here as you may feel if you call them out it’ll all be sorted but it won’t be, or it’s unlikely. All that will happen is you’ll be called volatile and give them more reasons not to like you. It would be better to avoid them as much as possible and if anything needs sorting let your partner do it.

Well, I'd already be at the Fuck Right Off stage.

THAT.

it works and the best…if your pil are difficult, ignore, ignore, ignore.
Not in « it is not important » but as « they will stop bothering you asap you stop answering anything at all and go annoy someone else.”

just leave everything to your dp until they get the full picture and then do not make any change. stay away.

good luck 🌺👏🏼

Just let them. If you laugh at the stuff they say and comment “how odd you are!” - or “what a funny thing to say !” you’ll be the winner every time. They want you to react badly. Instead act like you think they are strangely hilarious. It’ll shut them up better than anything.

This attitude is what enables toxic inlaws. Yes actually you do need to pull ppl up on their bs. Or it continues. Why is the husbands feelings more important? And sorry as for the rest of your post...

'OH felt stuck in the middle' - this is a no-brainer. Your partner's first loyalty should be to you, not his parents. If he can't see their interfering rudeness towards you, then he is severely lacking in empathic skills. He should stand up to them, set boundaries and let them know that slagging you off to others is unacceptable and needs to stop. If they won't stop, then I think you would need to raise the bar; for instance, restricting access to grandchildren. I wouldn't want my grandchildren to learn bad habits from overbearing grandparents anyway!

Ingore people when they go out of their way to make you feel bad.
My mum used to keep telling me " STICKS AND STONES CAN BREAK YOUR BONES BUT WORDS CANNOT HURT YOU.