AIBU- stand my ground childcare?

[Mama1425]

I have a baby who goes to nursery 4 days a week. This week, I returned to work and as agreed DH will look after her one day a week until the end of this year or until an extra day becomes available.

for context: when I was on maternity leave I did all the nights and obviously the days. We normally split bedtimes, but of course there were weeks where my DH had work commitments or travel. I was quite frustrated as he would only do the odd night as I was on maternity leave. And we often had major arguments because I was exhausted (I also was doing the majority of the household chores with the expection of home repairs such as building ikea furniture). His attitude to my requests for help or the fact I don’t want to host a social gathering because I want a nap always on the back of 5+ sleepless nights in a row was horrible and he has seldom expressed empathy- normally remarking “oh you are always tired”. or I will be taking on more responsibility when you are back at work.

Fast forward to now, my first week back at work. We sat down an split up nighttime, bedtime, pick up and drop off at daycare and it looks fairly equal. However, I did warn him with our child still waking multiple times at night he will find it difficult doing two nighttime’s in a row alas, he persisted to say this is how he wanted to split it. So I didn’t fight him on it. Today he is on his second nighttime duty and tomorrow he will have his day off work looking after our daughter, he asked me to get up early before I go to work so I can look after our daughter and he can get a few hours sleep- I am refusing because when I was in the same situation he would refuse and fight me on it. Also a relevant note- he has never woken up early to do mornings so I would go full weeks were I had every night and day with no break until he got home from work and could hold the baby.

AIBU? Should instant my ground a refuse to give him one or two hours rest bite between night and day?

I have been there so I know how exhausting it is but he never showed me any empathy or understanding when I needed a break, words haven’t work so far so i figure maybe he will finally how it feels.

I wouldn't, maybe living it for one measly day he might start to understand a little. I'd also give him some jobs to do like furniture building, washing, ironing to get done. If you haven't already get those chores at 50/50 too. Funny how on th first time he actually has to step up he's already trying to weasel out sleep for himself but couldn't be kind when you were begging for it. Nah, let him struggle for one day. And enjoy that little moment of I told you so!

I'd just leave him. What's the point. This is no relationship.

Wow. Absolutely do not get up early before work to help him. Maybe you could even comment that you're sure he can have a nice rest in the day seeing as he doesn't have to go to work. Seeing as he clearly didn't see daytime childcare as hard work before, when you were on mat leave.
Can't believe he's asking this on the first bloody week!

He’s a complete dick

I would give him the choice that he can either stick it out, or if you get up early to give him a break then he does exactly the same for you.

I know how hard it is to fight these battles, I fought the very same ones when I returned to work. But now I am so glad I stood my ground as it had made our partnership more equal and understanding.

This. Oh how the tables have turned!

How old is the baby and how often is "multiple times per night" wakings?

I would just blandly repeat back to him whatever he said to you all those days. I would be encouraging though

“I know its hard! During my maternity leave I really thought I’d die sometimes from lack of sleep! But you always encouraged me to just get on with it. Looking back I see you were right! Its doable! “

He is an arsehole and your relationship is going to be a battle. But if you back down it will be 100 times worse.

Quite. Mary Poppins voce all the way.

Although I wouldn't have stayed with him.

This entire scenario sounds miserable.

He didnt ever take the baby in the morning?
And he thinks you should wake early to take the baby after he’s done one single night?

It doesn’t sound like this guy respects you at all.

Absolutely this!
(and it’s respite, not rest bite. Not being an arse, just letting you know!)

I think if he refused to give you respite when you were struggling he reaps what he sows. It might change his perspective.

@pikkumyy77 has the right response

You told him how tough it was, he didn't help you.

You told him he should split the nights he watched his DC, he decided not to.

When you needed him to parent, he refused to step up.

Now he is going to learn what it feels like to be an actual active parent for a change 🙄

Only thing I'd say is (if you can ever bear to have sex with him) double up on contraception; he's clearly an arsehole who puts neither his child nor his partner first.

Do not submit to his pleadings or pressure on this. Start as you mean to go on otherwise he will bulldose (autocorrected to bully - interesting) you into helping him disproportionately always moving forward.

What an absolute ass not to have been more understanding on your mat leave. Major dose of empathy building needed asap!

She is 5 months old. To be fair she wakes twice and after food goes back to sleep immediately so it’s much better than it was in the early days. I hope to wean her off one of the feeds this week.

No worries :) typing with fury last night so many typos and grammar mistakes.

thanks for all the advice- I did exactly that this morning and went to work well rested :)

will try to sit down and have a serious conversation at the end of the week

Brilliant!

I'd be tempted not to but in all honesty I would have agreed for the safety of my child. He's a penishead though

Genius

You had a child with a selfish pig, BIG mistake.
Stick to your guns and protect yourself and your job.
Bullet proof your contraception, do not get accidentally caught out.
It does not bode well for the future when a man has been such a selfish pig during mat leave.
Keep family and friends close.
Mind yourself.

@Mama1425

its pointless having 'a serious conversation'. What will YOU gain out of it? He'll just convince you he's hard done by. Anytime he moans/asks you to do more just reply how he replied to you!

he didn't help (do his share! ) in the much more difficult early months, he's looking after her ONE day a week now, he can GTF

We split it so on a Saturday and Sunday we each got a little lie in. Think on the Fridays he just should pull through, baby will have naps so he can have a rest then if desperately needed.

Not really, he maybe got up in the morning a handful of times (at a push) after me asking.

i have always woken up early anyway between 5 and 6am. So I would be up whether or not he is up.

I don’t mind getting up for every morning provided that he takes on more responsibility later in the day. And if he works from home he will hold our daughter etc. But the balance is totally out of wack.

also, there was a comment on safety, when he looks after DC he is fantastic and engaged. I have no worries at all about safety.

for me it’s that imbalance of being the default parent, lack of empathy and knowing when to stand my ground versus when to be flexible.

thanks to all I really appreciate the feedback.

In all honesty, I would expect an apology before I did anything to help him. Once he has apologised then you can renegotiate who does which nighttimes and also look at the housework split at the same time. I work fewer days than DP, so I do a bit more as should your DH.