AIBU- stand my ground childcare?

[Mama1425]

I have a baby who goes to nursery 4 days a week. This week, I returned to work and as agreed DH will look after her one day a week until the end of this year or until an extra day becomes available.

for context: when I was on maternity leave I did all the nights and obviously the days. We normally split bedtimes, but of course there were weeks where my DH had work commitments or travel. I was quite frustrated as he would only do the odd night as I was on maternity leave. And we often had major arguments because I was exhausted (I also was doing the majority of the household chores with the expection of home repairs such as building ikea furniture). His attitude to my requests for help or the fact I don’t want to host a social gathering because I want a nap always on the back of 5+ sleepless nights in a row was horrible and he has seldom expressed empathy- normally remarking “oh you are always tired”. or I will be taking on more responsibility when you are back at work.

Fast forward to now, my first week back at work. We sat down an split up nighttime, bedtime, pick up and drop off at daycare and it looks fairly equal. However, I did warn him with our child still waking multiple times at night he will find it difficult doing two nighttime’s in a row alas, he persisted to say this is how he wanted to split it. So I didn’t fight him on it. Today he is on his second nighttime duty and tomorrow he will have his day off work looking after our daughter, he asked me to get up early before I go to work so I can look after our daughter and he can get a few hours sleep- I am refusing because when I was in the same situation he would refuse and fight me on it. Also a relevant note- he has never woken up early to do mornings so I would go full weeks were I had every night and day with no break until he got home from work and could hold the baby.

AIBU? Should instant my ground a refuse to give him one or two hours rest bite between night and day?

I have been there so I know how exhausting it is but he never showed me any empathy or understanding when I needed a break, words haven’t work so far so i figure maybe he will finally how it feels.

He doesn't get it yet does he?

If he could just say "I get it now and I'm sorry I was an arse about it" then you might feel more generous about sharing the load and helping him out on his time... but if he's spent five months going out of his way to make it all your job and minimise the effects of now sleep and not give a shit about how you were feeling then he can fuck right off.

Stand your ground, otherwise he’ll always see you as the default parent.
Did you ask if he felt like apologising for saying no when you had the same request that he is having now?

Definitely this.

I'm sorry you've had a baby with an idiot.

I'd just leave him he sounds utter shit

Hey so for anyone wondering what happened here’s an update:

what a difference a day makes.

i came home from work yesterday, to an almost spotless house, 90% of the laundry had been completed and groceries bought with chopped vegetables on the counter in an attempt to make dinner. Not to mention a very apologetic husband.

without me needing to say a word DH apologised for not understanding how much work it is to look after our daughter although enjoyable at the same time . He wanted the complete the laundry but couldn’t finish putting the last pieces away because he need to care for DC and he had attempted to make me dinner but it took longer than the thought because he had to feed our DC :) he finally understood that something that normally takes ten minutes can take hours when with children.

again without me needing to say anything he apologised for his behaviour and as way of making it up to me he took our pre-agreed split of duties this week and told me to lie in both Saturday and Sunday and he wanted to do both nighttime’s too- so this week he’ll be taking over 70-80% of the childcare duties. We also went through household tasks and split them up (he has never actually complained of the house is messy but it is important to me which is probably why I had always taken it over).

hopefully this will remain for the future, only time will tell. For those that mentioned I should leave him- adding more context to our relationship- becoming new parents and the split of duties is the first time I’ve seen him lacking in understanding And giving me attitude. Which is why it was so upsetting to feel overburdened and not heard. It’s also why I didn’t know how to deal with such a situation.

when talking about why he never understood in his words, “he always loves looking after DC but he didn’t realise what a difference the breaks that you get when you only look after her for a few hours make versus absolutely no breaks when you are on your own looking after her for 16+ hours”. Plus he admitted that he was somewhat jealous that I was getting to stop office work and spend days with our child. In his mind daytime was all about playing and fun (only partially true I guess) now he realises a couple of hours playing with her and caring for her is not the same at all as full time care.

like I said we will see if the fairer Labor distribution and empathy lasts. I am grateful for all your constructive comments and I will stand my ground more going forward.

A happy ending. Long mat that continue!

What a great update!

Well done OP.

This just reinforces how important it is that fathers play their part from day 1.

Take every bit he is offering as it is long overdue.
Do not weaken on any point.
The long term health of yourself and marriage is at stake.
Certainly take your time ever considering a second child which feels like 3 times the work of one!
Best of luck.

Bloody hell that was quick. Don't let him backpeddle!

Stand your ground and remind him how he made you feel for the last five months.

That's great, hope that it continues and work together as a team x