Some people are arseholes.

[GreyCarpet]

My youngest recently turned 18. Her dad stopped paying maintenance when she turned 18.

Anyway, how he might or might not support her if/when she goes to university later this year came up in conversation between them over the weekend.

She was, understandably, really pissed off because his wife (they've been together for 12 years) made a comment along the lines of them having been generous in helping me out financially all these years.

The financial help she's referring to is the maintenance that he paid to support his child.

She's also previously made comments to my daughter about how it probably looks like they have more money than me because they have much nicer things than I do (she wouldn't know - I've only met her once and she's never been inside my house) when they've been pleading poverty to her.

He's made similar arsehole comments in the past referring to the maintenance as "all the free money your mum gets."

Some people are arseholes.

And I'm so glad that, now she's 18, my need to interact with him is all but over.

Come share in my joy with a 🍺

Yes, that's correct. Because paying CM and being an arsehole are not mutually exclusive, are they? If you think that paying money you're legally obliged to automatically stops you from being a bad person, you're in for a rude awakening when you get out into the world. Because aresholes pay their bills too sometimes!

I know. That's the hardest part. He made mistakes with the eldest that have impacted their relationship negatively and is repeating some of those with the youngest. And he can't see it at all.

I don't get involved other than to reassure the childen that he loves them. Which he does. He's just got some very particular ideas when it comes to money. I don't say anything about his wife because she will only know what he chooses to tell her.

I think it's pretty clear that this isn't a general second wife/ex bashing thread.

Relationships break down, people move on, it's not a big deal. But, if there are children involved, you conduct yourself appropriately and whatever batshit ideas/reasonable grievances you might have about their other parent (valid or not), you keep it to yourself.

WillLiveLife

Clearly, there are details in your circumstances that are/feel very unfair and they may well be. It sounds as though it hasn't been easy and there are understandable frustrations if you are financially stretched and his ex is 'idle' but I'm not the ex wife in your scenario and the circumstances are not the same.

People on both sides can behave well and equally behave badly. I am not automatically your natural enemy and my ex/his wife aren't automatically your natural allies.

Wow, someone was spoiling for a fight, weren't they?!

I find it really hard to understand why someone would think all financial responsibility to their child automatically ends at 18, particularly if they are staying in fulltime education? Even if the law allows/enables this.

Would they still be saying 'no sorry, won't help', if they had remained together with the parent? If not, then what's the difference? You divorced the parent, not the child!

Obviously this is very different for any parent (either the one the child lives with, or the one who doesn't), who simply does not have the means to financially assist their child thereafter, without impacting their ability to survive financially.

But I didn't make an assumption about you or anyone else. I was relating my direct experience which you, in your anger, were unable to separate from your own situation...

That's what baffles me too.

I suppose she'll have to wait and see what support he actually delivers at the time.

Although, it is still the fact that maintenance was viewed as 'helping me' and free money that is the real issue.

Anyway, it is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have 11 years to go OP and I have put it in my diary as the day I can stop interacting with him and maybe, finally after what will then be around 40 years of emotional/ financial abuse/ coercive control/ general fucking arseholery I will be freeeeeeee
(Can we ignore the fact that my mental health has been so badly affected that I'm basically a completely different person to my real self please? That's too much too handle)

Enjoy that drink and forget them and all their bollocks 🎉

I can't understand how any parent would think that their financial responsibility towards their child ends at 18. If she moves into a place of her own, is he going to refuse to help out with setting her up there? If she gets married, is he going to refuse to help with wedding costs? If she has a child, is he going to refuse to help out with the costs of a pram, cot, etc? I couldn't contemplate leaving my child to sink or swim if I were in a position to help out.

Well she’s right, nobody bothers to read posts correctly then come at the poster so I agree with her

She wasn't rude, she was factual

Wholeheartedly agree on both points!

I had this-2 kids

Him squawking to them that I'd 'had enough of 'his money to spend on myself,even though id stopped him seeing his them'

His girlfriend joined in,telling me that my free ride was now over

The truth is,we broke up,he dragged me through the courts as a form of control even though I'd never stopped him seeing them

I'd just had enough of the abuse and control,I didn't want him in my house (I would have handed over in the local park)

Once he got court ordered contact,he stopped showing up for it

He never paid a penny (well,he did pay a full £1) but claimed hed given me 'every penny he had'-he even told the csa he wasn't going to give 'that bitch any money to spend on herself' so they backed off and never contacted him again (I'm going back well over 20 years)

It's all my fault the kids are now adults and don't want to know him

Apparently,they believe my lies