Some people are arseholes.

[GreyCarpet]

My youngest recently turned 18. Her dad stopped paying maintenance when she turned 18.

Anyway, how he might or might not support her if/when she goes to university later this year came up in conversation between them over the weekend.

She was, understandably, really pissed off because his wife (they've been together for 12 years) made a comment along the lines of them having been generous in helping me out financially all these years.

The financial help she's referring to is the maintenance that he paid to support his child.

She's also previously made comments to my daughter about how it probably looks like they have more money than me because they have much nicer things than I do (she wouldn't know - I've only met her once and she's never been inside my house) when they've been pleading poverty to her.

He's made similar arsehole comments in the past referring to the maintenance as "all the free money your mum gets."

Some people are arseholes.

And I'm so glad that, now she's 18, my need to interact with him is all but over.

Come share in my joy with a 🍺

At least your DD knows how he feels now and that she owes him nothing.

@VividQuoter just because that's your situation, doesn't mean that's the OPs.

Your comment is not a response to the point I was making and does not counter it.

Agree totally. There’s always 2 sides to every story.

I didn't say all exes or all second wives were!

OK, the full picture.

I work full time as does he. She does too and earns around the same as me. But she isn't financially responsible for my and his daughter although, for balance, I accept paying maintenance has an impact on their household income etc. He earns twice as much as I do. Their combined income is around £100k. Mine is £35k.

No spousal maintenance. No idea of I ever could have claimed it. I wasn't interested so I never tried.

Child maintenance was agreed on a private basis. I didn't know how much he earned but he told me he'd worked it out on the CMS calculator and it seemed reasonable so I never questioned it. For a few years, he would inform me of payrises and adjust the maintenance accordingly (I presume).

Never been any issues. I've never asked for more he never tried getting out of paying it.

The 'pleading poverty' comment referred to him backing out at the last minute on an something we had agreed to cover half the cost of each for her several months in advance and she was understandably upset when he told her he wasn't going to cover his half (£200).

We always co-parented well, there were no arguments and we also had an informal and flexible contact arrangement which always worked well for everyone.

I was pissed off at how it had been framed tbh. I did offer him more contact time which would have reduced his financial commitment but he preferred to pay the money.

Either way, all of that is irrelevant, it wasn't free money and they weren't my generous benefactors. He was contributing to the financial upbringing of his child. Of course it was going to stop at some point.

No. I'll say it again slowly for the hard of understanding at the back...

They suggested that paying maintenance was them doing me a favour.

Fucksake 🙄

Can you read?

Because they hate us even more

I would rank him as mild on the arsehole scale as the comments are a bit off, but you say he did always pay and was a good co-parent overall

I don't hate her! I don't know her. My children spoke very fondly of her when they were younger ((which is alll I care about) and she has never been spoken badly of in my house.

I think that's part of the reason I'm pissed off too maybe.

My exh and I have always been amicable and I've only met her once. I'd always assumed there was a resepctfulness in place that maybe I'm now seeing didn't genuinely exist on their part.

Yeah, that's true.

I can understand why you're annoyed though. At least you don't have to deal with them anymore 🎉🥂

Framing child maintenance as helping the OP out does make the both of them arseholes. The father contributed to his child as he should.

The bar is so low that pp's want to give him a round of applause for doing what was right. OP acknowledged he has done so and that she thought there was a good respectful relationship however if ex and new wife are saying that they helped OP out by providing CM it would imply otherwise.

OP's agreed a further split of expenses for something for their child and then EX went back on his agreement.

Once 18 he does not have to provide CM but he is a dick if he has indicated he would help with other things, agreed an amount and then went back on his word. OP and DD's plans and finances could have been arranged differently if forewarned.

He told his own daughter that he’d been generous to contribute to feeding and clothing her. He told his own daughter that he wasn’t going to pay for anything for her anymore.

It's not generous to pay the child maintenance that is CMS calculated and due. That's just meeting your minimum responsibilities. It's not good parenting to then tell your 18 year old that you have been generous to her in meetings your minimum payments towards her, effectively that she has been a financial burden.

I say that as someone who both received maintenance and is with someone who paid maintenance. I would never, ever, say that to my SD, I don't think it at all. It's an arsehole stance.

Congrats OP, I am envious of the freedom that awaits you! I cannot wait until my DSS turns 18 and we don’t have to have anything to do with his mother. Although I’ve no doubt she’ll be badmouthing and making comments like your ex has, some people just can’t resist. I feel sorry for the child caught in the middle, even if they’re no longer a child.

It just feels so unnecessary, doesn't it?

I hear you, my ex was exactly like this. Didn’t pay a penny for daughter when she went to uni and is always moaning about money to son who’s 19. There is nothing coming over him on his 80k salary and 4 bed detached house. Only problem is his house is empty as kids think he’s a total arse! You reap what you sow and it’s coming home to roust for him now so just sit back and say nothing is my advice as hard as that is

FFS, I don't know how some kids are to feel loved, wanted and supported by their parents when they clearly begrudge every bloody penny they have spent on their children. Or why, when they break up with their parent, they seem to think they are now absolved from financial (let alone any other type) responsibility and support of their own bloody children.

What must it be like for those children, knowing their own parents begrudge their financial support?

@WillLiveLife you've literally just posted that there are two sides to every story trying to defend yourself that not all step parents are bad... the you basically agree with the OP's ex husband and call the OP rude!

I think I know what type of step parent you are then 🙄

Well at least her father and his wife have found each other and aren't spoiling another couple. I hope he doesn't let DD down too badly.