Should you check your order with the host first?

[Fan85]

Please help me settle a discussion with my mum. If you go out to lunch or dinner and the other person is treating you, should you first check if it’s okay to order something with the person who is paying?

My mum regularly brings up an incident from 15 years ago. She took me and my cousin (both adults) out to lunch, and my cousin at one stage asked the waiter if she could have another coke. Apparently this was very rude and she should have first asked my mum if she could order it.

I feel that I don’t really see what the issue is. If I tell someone I am treating them to lunch, then I accept they can order another drink etc.

YABU = Your cousin was very rude
YANBU = I don’t see what the issue is.

It's not the crime of the century but I would ask first, out of politeness.

As it's an extra it would be polite to ask, but it's unreasonable to still be holding a grudge over a Coke after 15 years.

A cola? I mean if she was ordering a fancy cocktail or a triple grey goose and cola maybe but a simple cola nah.

If you want to invite people and then be a spend thrift tell them. “Yeah so I’m taking you for one main meal and 1 drink, anything else is on you” 🤣

Rude would be deciding to order the most expensive items just because you anit paying and getting sides and starters you wouldn’t. Not a second soft drink.

Depends- to order a very expensive item off the menu- yes I would check (although I wouldn't even order it tbh if someone else was paying as I wouldn't want to put them in that position.
A coke- no.

Yes, I would ask. But 15 yo later? Come on.

Bloody hell your mom can't half hold a grudge😅 and yes, out of courtesy I would ask the host

Two drinks with lunch is not an extra. Ordering a second drink is totally normal.

OP, what’s wrong with your mum that she stills brings it up after 15 years. Is something going on with her?

I’m laughing thinking how much cheaper a Coke was 15 years ago. She’d probably take a heart attack if that happened today.

It depends on context - but - in the one you describe, I don’t think your cousin did anything wrong. It’s generally polite to defer to the host (ie don’t order a bottle of vintage champagne, or the lobster, without being expressly invited to do so). But, equally, it can also look very rude to refuse anything other than tap water and the very cheapest dish on the menu! So I think your mum is unreasonable here, especially as a) it was a Coke, b) it was family and c) it was 15 years ago!

I also recommended your mother dines out at harvester or Toby carvery. They both have the unlimited refills for soft drinks 😅

If I am hosting I would always say ‘another Coke?’ Or whatever as soon as the waiter is near.

And if being taken out I wouldn’t go ordering stuff with abandon , e.g calling the waiter over and ordering extra sides, brandies, etc

I would definitely ask, but I wouldn’t hold a grudge 15 years later!

But how mortifying would it have been for your mum to turn round and refuse her a second coke?! It's not like she was ordering Methuselahs of top champagne! It just makes her sound tight, and frankly a bit deranged to remember and repeat the story for fifteen years!
If I was going out for a meal I would always assume I was paying for my own food and drink. So would order what I wanted and could afford. Then of course would offer to pay for myself when the bill came. If I was treated then that would be great. But I wouldn't want to restrict what I was ordering.

Actually I think she should have asked first. As a guest you may not know how tight (or not) your host's budget is.

A second Coke? Fifteen years ago?

If you’re that uptight and/or the extra couple of pounds is an issue for you then you shouldn’t be treating people in restaurants. Your mother is very unreasonable to be even thinking about this piece of ancient history much less talking about it. If your cousin had ordered a second steak dinner your mother might have had a point but even then she needs to stop bringing it up!

As a guest I take my lead from the hosts - if they’re ordering a starter then I will, if they order tap water then I wouldn’t order expensive cocktails. I know my parents and my aunts and uncles well enough to know they wouldn’t care if I ordered a second drink so I wouldn’t ask.

If your budget is that tight that an extra glass of cola will tip you over the edge then please, do not invite people out to a restaurant. Have them over for lunch at home or something.

I'd wait for the host to offer another drink or I'd check it's OK or offer to buy a round. But to holding a grudge for 15 years is a bit much.

I'd ask before ordering a bottle of champagne, a cocktail or anything at the top end of the price range.

But a 2nd coke is a perfectly reasonable part of a normal lunch and holding a grudge about it for 15 years is nasty and scroogey.

If I was been "hosted" I.e. paid for I wouldn't dream of asking for another drink unless it was offered. As host I'd make sure it was offered as soon as a glass was nearing empty.

@BobbyBiscuits thanks for the new word: Methuselah. I had to have a quick Google but love it! Now I just need a conversation in which to use it 😁

Has your mum being going on about this for 15 years, or is she just focussed on repeating this story more recently?

I know this is one of those things someone will always come up with here on Mumsnet and I’m going to be that poster - but with hindsight this was one of the several early signs of my mum having Alzheimer’s - she’d become obsessed with some imagined slight by my uncle 25 years ago which really was something of nothing.

@Papayasx haga, thank you! Yeah, I think you need to win the lottery before you'd ever have any cause to say it or see one?! It's probably what Liz Taylor ordered from room service for breakfast. And a catering tray of caviar! 🤣

She should have asked yes but it’s mad to hold a grudge over this for 15 years 🤣 A glass of coke 🤣

She’s 79 and I have heard it a few times over the past year or so. She does hold onto perceived slights for a very long time though. She misinterprets things as slights when they’re not and then will forever repeat the incident as she perceived it happened, even when she’s been put right!

She is quite contrary. She has a rigid world view of how things were when she were younger and why you try to explain or give a reason why things are different now it’s as though she finds it difficult to assimilate this information.

When she brought it up again today, I said I didn’t really see the issue of it being as rude and wondered if perhaps it was a generational thing. She stuck her fingers in the ears and said exasperated, “I don’t want to discuss it!” We were in a cafe so heavens knows what others thought.

I shan’t tell her 91% of MN agree with me 😁