Should you check your order with the host first?

[Fan85]

Please help me settle a discussion with my mum. If you go out to lunch or dinner and the other person is treating you, should you first check if it’s okay to order something with the person who is paying?

My mum regularly brings up an incident from 15 years ago. She took me and my cousin (both adults) out to lunch, and my cousin at one stage asked the waiter if she could have another coke. Apparently this was very rude and she should have first asked my mum if she could order it.

I feel that I don’t really see what the issue is. If I tell someone I am treating them to lunch, then I accept they can order another drink etc.

YABU = Your cousin was very rude
YANBU = I don’t see what the issue is.

I would ask. But I don't think It's 'very rude' not to, for something like a coke.

If it was a glass of champagne, a bottle of wine or the most expensive steak on the menu, or lobster thermidor when everyone else was ordering a burger or something such as that I would probably feel that was rude.

I'd tell her, next time she brings it up...

'Well when you are the host, it is extremely rude of you to let your guests glass run so low they need to order another drink in the first place. You should have offered much sooner!'

I must be out of touch...

I always let the host order first, so I can gauge the level.

If they order a steak, I can have a steak... if they order a £20 main and everything else is £50, I order a £20 main. If they order another drink, I can order another drink.

Am I the only person who mirrors?

I know someone who behaves like this but she is narcissistic and toxic and that behaviour is the norm for her. Perceived slights, generational grudges, fixating on small details of other peoples behaviour/dress/appearance/physical attributes. I have as little as possible to do with her. The refusing to discuss it in a rational way is also a familiar trait with this person.

Based on what you have posted, there's no point telling her any of it. She won't listen, believe it or accept it either way, as she is never wrong.

I don’t think you need to ask the host, but don’t order the most expensive food or drink item either. A second drink is pretty standard.

Also, I would ask if we were having starters, or just mains/deserts, before ordering a starter.

My dad, who would have been about the same age now, absolutely hated ordering a second drink with a meal. He refused point blank to order drinks while looking at the menu “because that’s how they get you!” Maybe it’s a generational thing or maybe he was just a likeminded cheapskate…

(I’m in my forties and still feel mildly rebellious ordering drinks before I’ve decided on food 🤣)

The most unreasonable part of this is the fact that she’s still banging on about it 15 years later!

(Saying that, Mum still brings up the drink she offered to buy my cousin when our uncle got married in 2001 - he asked for a Pimms and it was quite expensive, but the difference is she did offer him a drink. She also doesn’t bring it up in front of him. It’s more rants about how expensive that venue was than about him.)

I wish people who don't want to be generous, didn't pretend. I'd much rather never be paid for than be paid for churlishly and judged. For a host to be this obsessed 15 years later, she should never offer.

I swear some people only do it to judge people.

My kids at boarding school know to order low range priced dishes when invited out by friends' parents.
Out with their grandparents? Seafood all the way, baby! 😂
(The grandparents are very delighted to oblige.)

This is what I do too.

years ago we told one of our kids friends that he needed to go home as we were going out for dinner. He asked where we were going. Out for pizza. He asked if he could come too. We agreed. Went to the restaurant, everyone ordered. When the food came out we all had 7 Euro pizzas, friend had ordered a 25 Euro steak. When asked why he replied he didn’t like pizza…

Actually that was probably 15 years ago too.

🤣🤣

Yabu to start a thread about a third party's gripe from 15 years ago. Literally no one cares.

I can barely remember what little things I did 15 years ago, I'm surpised she can still remember that!

I would order a drink but pay for it myself. I'm not going to go thirsty or deny myself something I want out of politeness but I wouldn't expect someone else to pay for it.

When our dc were little we did eat out on a budget and our rule was that they could have one "nice" drink, then we'd get a jug of water for second drinks. So I would have felt it was pretty rude to just order without checking first - partially because then we'd have been in the awkward position of all the children wanting a second drink, which would have added up. Cokes aren't that cheap either; definitely cheaper to buy a 2 litre bottle from the supermarket than get a small glass in a restaurant.
But I wouldn't have remembered beyond the end of the week.

So yes, I'd agree it was rude, but not worth remembering.

A coke - 15 years later 😅. I thought it was going to be someone having the most expensive meal on someone else's dime.

And Nando's

I think the “cheaper to buy much more of the thing in the supermarket than a small bit of the thing in a restaurant” applies pretty much across the board 😂😂😂

Yes it’s batshit of your mother to a) remember it after all this time b)bring it up c) but her fingers in her ears when challenged.

My teen / young adult kids ask me if they can have another alcoholic or soft drink when we are eating out as I’m paying the bill. Anytime we have their friends with us (esp other uni students who are just so grateful to be treated by someone else’s parents) they are very polite and only order more drinks when I offer them - as of course I do more than if it was just my kids and I. So your cousin was probably very mildly impolite I’d say but not that it warrants remembering after 15 years.

Although a refill glass in the Harvester is almost £4 now!

@C1N1C : no, me too:
If someone else is paying I always follow their lead : if they order just a main and a dessert then I do the same, and our family only ever has one soft drink with a meal out. It's neither healthy or necessary to have a second coke: we always ask for water to be provided, no matter what else anyone is drinking (beer, wine:). And I was really annoyed on one occasion when the waiter asked the ten year olds if they'd like another soft drink without checking with the parents first.

I have a family member who can hold a grudge for 20 years, so bringing it up repeatedly doesn't really surprise me, but in this case I agree with the PP who suggested it might also be a symptom of advancing age and memory issues.

This.

I haven't voted, as I do think the cousin was rude to just order themselves another drink, but I think I would have let it go by now.

If someone else is paying I avoid the pricier options but I think having the same meal as them is a bit odd.

I do this as well.

OP- your mother sounds like a very difficult and slightly unpleasant person.

But I would have asked the host first probably.