Am I in the wrong?

[paulhollywoodshairgel]

My dd is about to go into year 10. She is friends with a boy in year above. I think they might be headed towards more than friends. Husband has freaked out as he's a year older. Wants to put a stop to it. My opinion is that she will just go behind our backs if that happens. I'd much rather her be open and honest and that we have more chance of keeping an eye on things?? She's a sensible girl and very open and I'd like to keep it that way!! Am I wrong?

A year ahead isn't much. If he was born in August and her in Sept, there would be a month between them.

Agreed, you can't stop her seeing him especially if they will see each other at school, which you can have no control of.

You are quite right but it’s also understandable that DH is freaking out about it. First relationships are different for everyone. Obviously he shouldn’t’put a stop to it, but you are going to need to explain that to him, and show him why that’s a bad idea. DH had a similar reaction when eldest stepdaughter started dating. He said it was because he knew what he was like as a boy of that age!

I just don't want her to clam up! She's so open and honest anyway I really think she will tell me everything! I get where he's coming from but he doesn't need to be like a bull in a china shop!! God these teenage years are hard!!

Am I missing something? This sounds normal to me.

Fucking hell, is your husband always so controlling and ridiculous? "Put a stop to it?" A stop to what, exactly? The boy is just a year older, and in terms of emotional maturity, your daughter is probably three years older than he is.

Your husband is going to destroy his relationship with his daughter if he doesn't get a fucking grip. Remind him that he doesn't own her.

Your husband is being absolutely ridiculous, and if he gets his way he will be setting things up for a lifetime of her sneaking around behind your backs.

How does he plan to put a stop to it? Intrigued as to how he would go about that.

This^

You’re definitely not wrong.

So she’s finishing yr 10 (15-16) and he’s finishing yr 11 (16-17), and next year they will both be 6th form and doing A levels, and both over the age of consent, and both appear to like each other, and your husband thinks there is something wrong with this as a possible relationship?

is he hoping for someone born on the same day as her so their horoscopes are favourable?

Nothing wrong at all with one year. 5 years or something then I'd be uncomfortable but it sounds like it's fairly innocent from what you've said.

Definitely don't do something that may stop her confiding in you in the future, he needs to calm down a bit!

Year 10 is 14-15 and year 11 is 15-16 and they are starting those years not finishing so they are 1/2 years away from the legal age of consent. It's normal to be worried about your young teen having their first relationship. It's normal to be concerned about age gaps when it's a difference between perhaps just 14 and nearly 16.

Nothing wrong with one year BUT she might be young in the year and he might be old which could put 18 months to almost 2 years between them at most, and when you're talking a just 14 year old with a nearly 16 year old it's fair to be concerned. My DS is going into year 11 and he will be 16 in September. If he started dating a 14 year old year 10 I would be concerned. Actually he himself would see that as too young.
Or it could be the other way around and there may be a matter of a couple of months between them.

1. Girls are more mature than boys.
2. there may be only a few months between them
3. boys aren’t automatically predators
4. you’re right
5. your husband’s daft

YANBU your DH is being ridiculous.

It’s perfectly normal. Why the hell would you risk the relationship and trust with your daughter for that?

i agree.

Totally normal and has always been this way.

Totally normal, boys mature later than girls
keep your door open to her boyfriends etc
better to keep her in your orbit
your DH is wrong!
speaking from experience my daughter shares her experiences with me , I didn’t try to control her choices , difficult yes ,but now she’s 21
im so glad I went down the open honest route
it means that when they need your support
they know you are there,
good luck OP
most importantly keep the channels of communication open

Just remind him that a) your job as parents is to guide them to adulthood so that they can fully participate in all areas of life (and that includes relationships) and b) he doesn't own her or her vagina.

My husband and I met at these ages more or less. Still together now 18 years later, promise I'm not traumatised.

Honestly any attempts to "put a stop to it" are going to result in them sneaking around behind your back anyway. Young love is boundless, and making them feel like Romeo and Juliet is not going to dampen it.

Far better to keep her open and honest by speaking to her about it from the perspective of being safe, and helping her understand healthy boundaries in a relationship. If you have an open and communicative relationship with your daughter, ballsing that up now during the teenage years by being overbearing about her first relationship would be a huge mistake!

Your husband is being an absolute plonker. So there is a year between them (or probably just a few months depending on where birthdays fall) what exactly is his issue with that?

Is he just weirdly controlling and would likely still have a problem if the boy was in the same year as her?

Tell him to keep his mouth shut. Trust your daughter and make sure she always knows she can come to you for anything.

This

Your husband is projecting. He remembers what a horrible shit he was as a teen and thinks every boy that age is the same as he was.

Tell him not all boys are the same as he was and he needs to trust your daughter's judgement.

He sounds like a wanker.

You're not wrong. Teens are gonna teen and it's better - if legal - with your knowledge and consent than sneaking behind your back.