Do I have a DH problem or SIL problem?

[jugglesandspins]

Back story: I've been married to DH for 10 years.

Over the past 5 or so years, my relationship with SIL has deteriorated. She has said a number of inappropriate things to me, which I initially laughed off, but each time I see her she uses every opportunity to take a dig. These digs have mounted up and now I actively avoid her as much as possible and do not make contact with her. The best thing I've found is not to give her access to me to enable her to get her digs in.

The last time I saw her was a few months ago and after a number of acerbic comments made to me, I had a heart to heart with DH and told him how I felt just being around her. I have said that for him I will always be polite, but that is as far as things will go and I have no interest in meeting up with her socially or to go for drinks with her (she is usually worse when she's had a few to drink).

DH thinks I am blowing things out of proportion and each time she crops up in conversation it feels like he takes her side by telling me she doesn't have an issue with me and it's me that has the issue with her etc. Today a card arrived in the post, addressed to DD from her cousin. I didn't say anything, but DH immediately said don't worry there won't be any appropriate messages in it for DD (she has previously said things to DD that have been repeated back).

He didn't need to say anything and it immediately gets my back up. He doesn't seem to grasp why I feel the way I do and I am fed up of feeling as though she can do no wrong where he is concerned. It's causing problems in our marriage and I don't know how to handle this without getting emotional with him.

Is she jealous of your relationship? I’ve seen a number of posts on here where sisters are horrible to their brothers’ partners, they’ve been supplanted in their brothers’ lives as number one woman (quite rightly) and turns out they were jealous of the closeness 😱

It’s difficult to say if you’re being unreasonable or not: can you give examples? I think it may be a DH problem if he doesn’t empathise with why you are upset as he presumably knows what she’s said to you and your dd.

can you give us an example of the kind of comments so we know if you are being sensitive?

Agree with others: we need an example.

You have every right to distance yourself from whoever you want to if they make you uncomfortable regardless of what the relationship is. Have you ever called her out on her comments or told her how she makes you feel? You do also have a DH problem as he is dismissive of your feelings.

Examples include telling me I’ve put on weight, telling DD (5) that she was glad Mummy wasn’t visiting with DH, how useless my family are.

If the OP calls the SIL out and a row erupts whose side will her husband take? Imagine how she would feel if the husband defends his sister and how empowered the SIL would feel .

From the sounds of it you have a DH and a SIL problem. Is it the norm in their family that she gets to say and act however she wants and they make excuses for her? Since she has now started on your DD as well I would rip her a new arsehole and tell your DH that unless he puts her straight you will be going no contact with the nasty witch.

I’d try answering back. If she doubles down, then go low contact.

your partner should back you and stand up to her, hes letting you down.

He cant deny that telling your daughter shes glad mummy isnt visiting is a good thing to be saying.
If she dosent stop, go nc.
Whats the matter with sils.
Can they just be happy for their brothers?
What are they achieving?

This is my concern but it’s eating away at me.

What did he say in response to what she said? How does he justify these things? They are awful and I can't imagine how he is downplaying that?

That she has a few issues currently!

Omg I could have written similar!! I feel anything we do day trips, holidays, any gifts we've bought for our kids birthdays she feels entitled to come along or should have been invited or finds out from OH and buys or does the exact same!. She got mad we went strawberry picking with another couple and their kids..why would she come along to that?? She causes so much issues and I wish I could just stay away but OH takes her side or says he wants our son and hers to see eachother so she has to be there. Eye roll I know she'd much prefer if I weren't there but I go anyway she's not getting that satisfaction. She gets OH to run around for her doing errands even though her partner's around. When she had her first child she'd call OH and try find out info about my pregnancy instead of just asking me. Dunno what her problem is. She makes comments passive aggressively. I give as good as I get. They are not freezing me out .
You are not being unreasonable. Sil is jealous.

Both. He’s not standing up for you and she’s a bitch. He’s still facilitating contact between your child and someone who is being horrible about his wife/her mum. None of this is loyal or healthy.

Are they twins? What's mil like?
When I was married previously me and sil hated each other equally so we just navigated never being in the same house/place together. Worked well. Difference being dh didn't give a shit either way..
Your dh is a prize twat.

Sounds exactly like my SIL. I took it for the sake of the family for years but limited contact then finally had enough. I am no contact and sadly I now have no relationship with my brother or niece.

Ultimately you have to decide what's best for you and your wellbeing as being around someone like that is so stressful. But obviously be prepared for the damage to other relationships.

So she just takes the comments that she’s not happy about receiving all to keep peace? If a child is being bullied would you also suggest not reporting it to a teacher incase it gets worse? If her DH sides with her SIL then surely OP knows where she stands with him and it’s for her to decide if she is willing to put up with that or not

The problem with people like your SIL is that they don't cause one almighty row, or say something so utterly disgusting, that you can immediately say right that's it. The comments are lower level so that a third party (in this case DH) can minimise or excuse them and basically tell you to shut up and put up. But you know the cumulative effect these constant digs have.

Have you ever kept a list of things she's said over several visits? Presenting them all in one go might be one way for DH to understand how you're feeling, rather than reacting after each interaction. But if he won't stand up for you and you feel that if you brought it to a head he may just take his sister's side rather than yours, perhaps that's a bullet you have to bite. Ultimately if he sees her as a higher priority than you then it's possibly time to get out.

Yes it’s all low grade stuff on the whole and always when nobody else is around. I think that why DH doesn’t fully appreciate or understand how deep my dislike for her has actually become.

The next problem that will rear its head is Christmas. It is our turn to go to DHs family this year. They live 4 hours away. I just don’t want to spend my special Christmas time with DD with that woman. I feel anxious just being around her and it’s like waiting for the next comment. Problem is DH will want to see his family as he doesn’t see them that often.

No, not twins, although I would argue she has an unhealthy interest in DH.

Honestly I would much rather go NC but it will cause huge problems. She won’t ever have DD for a sleepover or be left alone with her given some of the things she’s dripped into DDs ears.

Your dh should be on your side so he's definitely part of the problem. I don't think you need to return fire as such but come up with a strategy to use like half smiling and saying thanks for your input or raising your eyebrows and saying what an odd thing to say to my face.

Can you covertly record with phone in pocket in all conversations then edit it to remarks made and show DH? Shouldn't have to do but if he hears actual evidence it may help

Tell DH you don't want to hear anything about her and not to make comments from now on. That gives him a bit of stress as he will have to watch his speech. Arrange a pre Christmas visit or post Christmas to iLs - you want to spend Xmas day with DD - too bad if they have an issue with that. You can do what you want. Or perhaps DH can visit with DD on their own and you can be busy preparing for Christmas.

Perhaps pick a grey rock phrase.

"Manners SIL, if you have nothing nice to say it good manners to say nothing"

When it's involving DD "we role model to DD kindness & good manners"