Do I have a DH problem or SIL problem?

[jugglesandspins]

Back story: I've been married to DH for 10 years.

Over the past 5 or so years, my relationship with SIL has deteriorated. She has said a number of inappropriate things to me, which I initially laughed off, but each time I see her she uses every opportunity to take a dig. These digs have mounted up and now I actively avoid her as much as possible and do not make contact with her. The best thing I've found is not to give her access to me to enable her to get her digs in.

The last time I saw her was a few months ago and after a number of acerbic comments made to me, I had a heart to heart with DH and told him how I felt just being around her. I have said that for him I will always be polite, but that is as far as things will go and I have no interest in meeting up with her socially or to go for drinks with her (she is usually worse when she's had a few to drink).

DH thinks I am blowing things out of proportion and each time she crops up in conversation it feels like he takes her side by telling me she doesn't have an issue with me and it's me that has the issue with her etc. Today a card arrived in the post, addressed to DD from her cousin. I didn't say anything, but DH immediately said don't worry there won't be any appropriate messages in it for DD (she has previously said things to DD that have been repeated back).

He didn't need to say anything and it immediately gets my back up. He doesn't seem to grasp why I feel the way I do and I am fed up of feeling as though she can do no wrong where he is concerned. It's causing problems in our marriage and I don't know how to handle this without getting emotional with him.

Time to change Christmas traditions?

Christmas at home just guys and then a family visit for new year that is shorter/you don't go to?

She is probably working on alienating you so that you will want to spend less time with her, making you the bad guy. You need to toughen up and don't rise to it. Easier said than done, I know. If she says " you have put on weight' reply " yes, DH loves it" if she says "your family are silly" respond with " it's all part of the fun". Her fun is getting a rise out of you and she is winning. Take her power away and she will look silly. Tell your DD that her aunty often says silly things and can be mean and then make sure they aren't alone together. If your DH isn't going to stand up for you and NC isn't an option, you are going to have to stand up for yourself and turn it into a game!

Have a notebook and pen and jot the digs down at the time and if possible, in front of her. Put down date and time etc. You could even grade them out of 10. Perhaps even try to use humour to take the sting out of them, you could say “Ooh, that was a good one SiL! I’m scoring you an 8 for that one.“ Or play ‘insult bingo’ in your notebook.
I'm not trying to minimise what you’re going through with her but just trying to suggest a way to reframe the way it affects you at the moment. 💐

I would perhaps start reiterating the same comments DIL says to you to your DH and see if he finds them acceptable? My guess would be not. Your husband is allowing a member of his family to hugely disrespect you. I would leave someone if they allowed their family member to besmirch my character and attempt to intimidate and bully me but that’s just me. At the end of the day if you can’t trust your husband not to be feckless and to defend you and treat you properly even through an extension of how his family treat you then what redeeming features he may have in my mind become irrelevant. You could always try sticking up for yourself and telling her to go fuck herself. If DH cared about good relations between his DW and DSis he would have stepped in long before now.

I like the bingo idea. I have stalled contact with her - she's not messaged me for a few months and nor have I to her. I have added her to my restricted list on FB as I don't want her to see what we are up to (sounds petty, I know, but gives me a feeling of being in control and what I want her to know and see).

Men never seem to notice this stuff, do they? My dh is the same.

No they don’t or they think you’re blowing things out of context

I had a problem with my SIL in that she constantly seemed to snidely criticise and belittle me (i had 4 small daughters), whilst being "honest" (but constantly faintly critical) when she was round my house. My husband was subsequently diagnosed with brain cancer and she was forever on our doorstep. I didn't want her there but my husband said "I know she's not very likeable, but she's my sister and i love her," and i! was kind of humbled. He died and i still actually really hate her (my bad)

Some men do.

One of my brothers has with one of my sisters. Oddly we are both LC with her. He did try but gave up as she wouldn't stop. Eventually her shitty behaviour extended to other relatives.

@Marosanne you aren't bad you can't get on with everyone especially if they are a horrible person to you.

Next time he tells you that you are 'blowing things up out of proportion', try using this phrase 'YOU may think I'm blowing it out of proportion, but it's the way she makes ME feel, and if you can't see it, and defend me, then it looks like I'll just have to do it myself!'

My DH used to frequently tell me I was 'being unreasonable', so one day, rather than having a row, I told him what had upset me, and out comes the 'you're being unreasonable' comment, I looked him in the eye and said 'YOU may think I'm being unreasonable, but it's the way I feel, and if you don't like it, that's tough!' It really took him aback, as there was nothing he could say to argue with the the way that I felt, I'm ME, and I'm entitled to feel however I want about things, just as he is, so he now knows that telling me I'm being unreasonable isn't going to wash anymore. Don't let this bitch push your buttons OP, and if your DH won't support you, then stand up for yourself, if him and the rest of his family don't like it, then that's tough, he should have supported you in the first place if he wanted to avoid a blow up.

Its definitely a husband problem I'm afraid. He's the one you married and owes you support. Of course he's down playing it, because its happening to you and not him.

I would be finding 2 positive Covid tests for you and dd. He can go visit the ils for Christmas..
Next snipe sil says repeat it when dh comes back into earshot... I would be leaving every time. Dh can hang out with her if he wants to. As a grown up you really don't have to do as you are told /expected anymore..

Is your husband just pretending not to hear these comments!? That’s bloody awful! I certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with her and absolutely your husband should have your back!

I don’t know whether this is a practical or even helpful suggestion (certainly doesn’t help with DH) but people like this seem to hate it if you get a notebook or small diary out and start writing in it as they’re getting their jibe in or asap after (within their sight) my mum was like this and would wait until we were alone to get some sneering in - sometimes I would just say oh you’ve just reminded me rummage it out of my handbag and write in sthing like buy toilet paper but she could never be sure what I’d written down and it would wind her up/ unbalance her enough to wind her neck in until I realised she didn’t want to be alone with me to do it anymore. She did once attempt to tell a room full of people I was writing horrible things about her in my diary and I was able to show my shopping list and look a bit puzzled at her paranoia. The sad thing is I know her mum used to do the same to her so she was trapped in a cycle but after I had my DS I wasn’t interested in getting caught up in that myself. Could just use your phone to take a few notes instead while nodding along.

It’s his job to protect you from his family

Ask him who is he married to? To be honest if she made inappropriate comments I would wait until she has finished then say. Do you feel better for saying that? Do you realise how nasty and inappropriate you sound? Then walk away. Wouldn't involve DH leave it to her to say something. When he brings up what you said to her then tell him what she said yo you. Would give a different aspect to it.

What has your husband actually said about the situation? I think, she needs to see that you and he are a team. She may back off.

Yup, can relate to this. It’s the insidious stuff that can hurt the most.

My DH doesn’t get along that well with his DSis, but if I say anything about her, he gets really defensive and says I have an issue with her, so now I don’t say anything.

In the 30 years I’ve known her, she’s never had the guts to say anything to my face, instead slagging me off behind my back, or dripping passive aggressive comments when she feels safe with her enabling mum and dad around her. She also made sure my PIL didn’t accept me as family. DH’s family thrive on drama and politics and they are always falling out with extended family.

It’s sort of backfired on her. My DH doesn’t notice her behaviour or comments so he thinks IABU. This isn’t all bad though, because equally he hasn’t noticed what I’m doing. He’s oblivious. 😂

My SIL is married with Step kids. I know their routine of Christmas, Easter, EOW’s. I’ve rigged it my end so that when we are free, she isn’t. I haven’t seen her for 8 months (bliss). She’s invited us over 3 times, but we’ve always been booked out. I’m not inviting them, after all, I’m not family. My DH just thinks it’s coincidental, and I always assume a sad face when I say “oh no, we are doing X that day”.

I never tell them (MIL, SIl) what we are doing, when our holidays are, and I never ask after SIL when I see PIL. She once threw a tantrum because we went to Disneyland with our DC and didn’t invite her, a then 40+ woman. She thinks she’s entitled to graft herself onto my family holidays. When I do have to see her, I just act bright and breezy, like my life is so great. I don’t give her the satisfaction.

I think it's weird when sisters are jealous of their brother's OH, does she not have her own family husband kids?
OH's sister blocked me on Facebook a while ago so I removed her number and blocked her on every outlet including WhatsApp so she cannot see any of my pictures or posts. She used to always have MY child's picture up on her WhatsApp profile! And she had a problem that I dared to have a problem with that. That's weird.
@TheIronicWoman is right that's what I do, they're not even close but all of a sudden SIL wants to do 'Happy Family Christmas' she's not even hosting it's held at their mum's house! OH is never bothered but because my side of the family always do nice things together for Christmas he wants to see his family now. I try arrange it before or after Christmas I don't want to ruin my precious time with the kids and family being around her. Or OH pops by to see them on his own.