MIL says I'm excluding her

[Imtheproblemitsmeapparently]

I invited MIL round for dinner a few months ago. She'd been having a tough time so I felt it was a nice thing to do. She was rude as hell all evening, snappy, standoffish, judgemental etc but I ignored it thinking she's just in a bad place and that was likely it. The evening ended when she snapped at my 3 year old and I pulled her up on it. I was polite but firm. She burst into tears, i apologised for upsetting her but she immediately left without saying a word to us.

Since then, I've messaged her to apologise again and explained why i was cross at the time. She sent a pithy, childish response along the lines of 'it's ok I just won't speak to him anymore then', so i've not responded.

She's since called DH in tears and said it's not about this incident, but that she feels like I don't invite her to places, I don't contact her etc etc. She then apologised to DH. She has not contacted me since her pithy message.

I work 5 days a week. DH works one day at the weekend and sometimes two so we have exactly 1 day a week as a family about twice a month. On those days, we like to go out to places together and this appears to be what she wants to be invited to. She's also upset we see more of my parents than her - baring in mind my parents ask all the time to see DS, come over to help us out regularly etc. She has never once in 2 years offered proactively to have DS, we always ask her to see him.

Anyway, since then I've stopped reminding DH to contact her and stopped contact with her myself. I've made it clear to DH that his relationship with his mother is now his responsibility, and if he'd like to invite her round that's absolutely fine, I'll cook, I'll be completely polite and act like nothing has ever happened but I absolutely won't be organising it or taking responsibility for her relationship with our DS.

Predictably, DH has not invited her round, asked her how she is, contacted her or asked to take DS to see her a single time without me prompting him. She has now told the entire family I'm 'keeping her DS and DGS from her' because all contact has stopped. SHe still hasnt apologised to me for not accepting my apology, and also has not proactively contacted DH or myself.

WIBU to continue putting the responsibility for the relationship in DH's hands and not accept that this is in any way my doing? If MIL wants to see her DS and DGS she just has to ask - equally DH isnt reaching out to her because he never does without me asking him to. I don't see how that's me 'keeping them away from her'.

Answers on a postcard, I'm more than happy to be told I'm wrong here and I need to pick the reigns back up, but I'm genuinely not sure I am.

If it's causing you bother with the rest of the family, let them know you've decided to let dh and MiL take care of their own relationship and you're quite happy for them to organise times for her to see ds. They'll get the picture (or they'll think everything is all your fault and tou can happily ignore them from now on).

I've been where you are, always me arranging birthday cards etc for that side of the family then I got treated like shit so I left him to it.
I remember once having a shitty remark because I didn't wish her happy birthday on Facebook. So I replied with who do you think buys your birthday cards? Because it's not your son! Recently we got told it might be nice to send a card to her daughter who is getting married. They all met up before hand for a family meal we weren't invited and she hasn't sent any of my children her nephews a birthday card in years so I thought yeah, I'll pass.

It does seem to be a man thing. Women facilitate relationships and if they don’t, it doesn’t happen. Like another poster said, as a mother of a boy it’s very sad and I am very grateful to my DIL for her thoughtfulness. If she decided to step back from the wife work I doubt my son would bother much although we have never fallen out. Same with my DH, I facilitate family relationships even though it’s his side.

For clarity's sake. Her mil clearly thinks it's somehow OP's responsibility to arrange her visits. In cases like this where people are playing passive-aggressive games, the best thing to do is clearly state your boundaries, so people can't claim later they didn't know/understand. Then you just stick to your guns, as you suggest, by simply dropping the rope.

Yes, I've seen this time and time over. And god help you if your dil is difficult to get along with, you're basically screwed. I agree it's very sad, but impossible to fathom what the answer is.

My DH talks to his mum 2-3 times a week and has done for as long as I’ve known him (12 years) as does his brother (who lives in a different country) and my dad saw his mum several times a week up until her death (we lived 20 minutes away from them) so about all of his life as did several of his brothers but one.

There are many sons that do bother with their mums not mentioned on MN so don’t worry too much.

It’s always been do’s responsibility to deal with his family and mine mine and after the umpteenth time of mil being a crank he has now blocked her and has no contact with her but his mil still bad mouths me as the reason she can’t see her ds and dgc. Raise above it and continue to leave the ball in his court.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

Your husband knows the true story and that's all that matters.

At the end of the day he's a grown man and if he had a good relationship with his mother, he wouldn't need prompting to see her.

After all the phone works 2 ways and guessing she only phones when she wants drama and attention and not to see how the 3 of you are.

Why did you apologise??

Your child should not have been snapped at, they are just a little toddler.
This is not okay behaviour.

Stop running around her. The 'entire family' already know what she is like op!! They don't care that you are not calling etc - they are probably quietly thinking good on them, and if they aren't well so what!

Your dh doesn't want anything to do with her clearly, so why not support your dh who is trying to find some boundaries with his own mother and step back. It is not your job to make him call his mother like he is five years old. Would you want to deal with her? No.

She was completely out of order, and you need to say so. Or this will only get worse.

'You were invited for dinner, you were very rude, where do you suggest we go from here?'

Carry on as you are , people like this are exhausting to deal with as nothing you do will be right. Leave it with your DH to deal with knowing full well that he won’t bother.

I can’t see that you’ve done anything wrong here at all.
However, if she’s bed-mouthing you to family, I’d let DH know that you expect him to put that nastiness to bed, and admit that he’s choosing to ignore his mother.

Enjoy the respite from your MILs mind games. It’ll likely be back soon enough.

I think this safely falls into the realms of a casual shrug and a "oh whatever."

That being said, waiting for an apology for not accepting your apology is definitely getting into the realms of silly.
She told off your kid, you told her off and she had her feelings hurt and said something fairly immature back. But not, it's worth mentioning, anything else unpleasant or unkind either to your DS or you. I don't think she particularly owes you an apology there.

If she has since ignored your attempts to reach out, that's a her problem, and where/when the casual shrug and "oh whatever" is entirely appropriate.

Perfect! (Maybe drop the "love" 😁)

Haha brilliant!

I think she needs to be told that she is an adult and neither you, DH and most especially DS are responsible for how she feels. She was very rude when she was over at your house and you tried to make her feel better, and she treated you and DS appallingly. She has a phone and knows how to use it if she is feeling left out - but she also needs to acknowledge that she has to put some effort into her relationships with the three of you, because her behaviour alone does not entitle her to any special effort on your behalf.

You may or may not have an MIL problem but you definitely have a DH problem!

This is your husbands issue. Not yours.

Infuriating that the woman gets the blame, not the darling son.

I had an emotionally immature MIL too. You can’t say anything without them acting the victim and sulking. It’s so uncomfortable and weird when a grown woman is acting like a child.

You’re not doing anything wrong. I don’t do “wife work” either. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Does your DH remind you to speak to your mother or take the responsibility to organise seeing your parents?

The answer is no.

So why should it be your responsibility for his mother?

If the wider family mention it to you, you simply say they need to talk to DH and not engage further.

OP, have you considered that DH doesn't want the spiteful old harpy over?

If this is how she is, he had to see this every day of his childhood. He may not want a replay.

The only thing you could be doing wrong is not talking to him about it. Otherwise, continue as you are. Let her do her worst. Even more reason to let her be.

Does she ? The husband clearly doesn’t want a relationship with his mother, but the wife knew better and invited him over.

there’s no point in taking on a task n one has asked you to and then complaining about it

So many women prioritise their own mum and dad over their in laws and don't see how unfair it is. OP you have a little boy. How will you feel when he's an adult and a parent if his wife sees her own parents all the time and you never get a look in with the grandkids...

You mean many daughters choose to talk to their parents while many sons choose not to do the same when there is nothing stopping them from doing so. Nothing is stopping OP’s DH from contacting his own mum.

What is unfair is that wives/DILs get blamed for their husbands’ lack of care and thought to his own parents and expected to pick up the ball when the husbands can talk and go see their parents, but choose not to. The in-laws can also call and ask and set something up with their own adult child and grandchildren if they desire to instead of also trying to put it on their DIL to sort.

Perhaps, such in-laws should question their own parenting and ask themselves why their own adult child doesn’t think to call them or bring their children over themselves instead of putting all the responsibility on the mothers.

If it was really important to OP’s DH, he would make arrangements with his mum and if it was really important to the MIL she would do the same, but she rather play victim because she isn’t being chased after by her son so she rather blame OP than consider her son is the problem. If she wanted to see her grandson as much as she says she would be trying to organise something with her son than moaning to other family members.

She's since called DH in tears and said it's not about this incident, but that she feels like I don't invite her to places, I don't contact her etc

You are not responsible for inviting her anywhere!

How much does she invite you to places?