Sister dislikes kids

[Britishsummertime22]

My sister really dislikes her kids and it makes me so sad. She calls them vile all the time. I think she really regrets having them. She has said this before. I don't enjoy spending time with her and them together anymore because its such a tense horrible atmosphere.

Is she a single parent? Is she struggling to cope?

Not a single parent. Yes struggling to cope, one has additional needs. I help as much as I can but she often refuses my help.

Can you speak to her father regarding her behaviour? It sounds like she needs more support than she currently has. How about your parents, can they speak to her and help in some way? She can't carry on treating her children like that.

Sorry I meant she calls them vile not to their faces just when talking about them

Our dad died when we were kids. Our mum offers help and does help but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

How old are the kids?

That’s really sad. It sounds like she’s struggling to cope but still it’s not nice to call your own children vile, no matter how hard you’re finding parenting.

5 and 3

I've called dd vile behing her back when quite frankly she was being vile ( rude teen). Love her to bits though.
Sounds like your dsis is very depressed though.

Yeah I think she is really depressed but won't go to gp, won't go on anti depressants and won't have counselling.

Well she could be storing up problems for the future as an uncaring mother - I hope she fakes an interest when with them.

Is the fact she’s struggling to cope and possibly depressed not something you’re sad about then?

All you can do is support the children. Take them out for the day, to the park, to the fair and try to give them a sense of love, belonging and safety. It is very hard being the child of someone that is clinically depressed, they will be irreparably damaged by it eventually. If you can be the one person they can rely on, and come to - you will be doing something very meaningful for those children.

Such lovely ages, and what a shame your sister is missing out on so much with them. It is very sad she won't get help. Do they have a father?

Children know it is fake, but I understand your point that she really needs to make an effort, she is harming her children.

yep, i think a bit of sisterly love, empathy and a shoulder to cry on would probably go a long way here.

FWIW: i hated the relentless grind of life with small children, really really hated it right up until they were about 7. and then i just disliked it. I Never said it to them, never really said it to anyone except where i could be anonymous. Add special needs in and i would have been a basket case.

so, OP, have you spoken to BIL? he needs to address this as a matter of urgency.

It's hard to deal with. My sister hated motherhood. She was openly hostile about her child in front of her at an age where she was too young to understand but still.

She would be obsessed with naps to get time to herself without the child awake. She would get really irate and actually rattle and shake the buggy with frustration if she wasn't getting kid to sleep. As if rattling the pram would help. She threw tantrums on day trips as a famil as the child found it harder to sleep in a buggy and she once screamed at her husband "take me home now you fucking wanker" just so she could get the kid in bed for the full afternoon nap. She created such a scene a museum official actually intervened and found a quiet room for her to try and get her kid to sleep. It was so embarrassing. She used to say oh thank god when the kid napped as she had an hour of being herself again. She was visibly annoyed when the nap was over.

She used to slag her kid off to me and how much she hated being a mum which I found so hard to take as I really wanted to children but was single..

Now the kid is older, she's divorced, no surprise that her husband ended it. But she acts very inappropriately towards her child as if she is a mini adult rather than a child. She tells her inappropriate things which are repeated to me from the child and it just goes to prove that my sister doesn't want a child but an adult around to share the load and talk to.

Not sure what the solution is but to just ignore it.

Um yes obviously?? What a strange question.

The assumptions people make are mad. I didn't know I had to explicitly spell out that I am there for her, provide childcare, hours of conversations, often offer to take them for her, cancel plans to help her. She is constantly messaging me and I am all there.

Also I've been there with my sister.

Sorry but they are HER children. It's as if people here assume that you don't have a life.

I got the same. I work very long hours in a professional career, and quite frankly I didnt have time to be a constant sounding board, babysitter and therapist for someone who's regretting having a child. It got too intense and there has to come a time that you try and come to terms with it and own the decision you've made to become a parent.

There's surely a limit to what you can do and the pile on here for not doing enough to support is mad. These children have 2 parents. That's where the responsibility lies.

What do you actually want from this thread OP?

She is obviously struggling but if she refuses help there is nothing you can do. Does her DP carry his share of the load?

Not to be told she has to become a quasi parent.

Advice on how to handle all the bile from her sister. Things to say. It's intense to be bombarded by someone who hates their life and uses you as a sounding board.

She needs extra support. It looks like from one of your posts you do offer some support and have suggested outside help but she isn’t taking any.

If she were my sister I’d be sitting her down and talking to her, telling her it’s upsetting seeing her depressed and struggling and it makes you so sad seeing the way she is about the kids. Then tell her to write down everything she is struggling with and tackle them.

Is her DH helping enough?
Do the children go to school/nursery
Does she work?
Are you able to offer a couple of hours a week to look after her DC?
Does she have any friends that can offer to have DC?
Can she afford a cleaner to help with housework?

She needs to go to GP or a health visitor as well regarding her mental health.

Just following on from my comment. She has a partner so is he helping enough?

She needs more support with child with additional needs. From outside people too.

I had to pull my DD up. Once you start going down that way of speaking, you start thinking like that and it all becomes habit forming. She'll be in a different place in a couple of years. You need to keep reminding her that this isn't forever and they are just little, while agreeing that it is hard going.