Sister dislikes kids

[Britishsummertime22]

My sister really dislikes her kids and it makes me so sad. She calls them vile all the time. I think she really regrets having them. She has said this before. I don't enjoy spending time with her and them together anymore because its such a tense horrible atmosphere.

it would be helpful. So many people here are utter wankers to and about their families.

like this pp

She used to slag her kid off to me and how much she hated being a mum which I found so hard to take as I really wanted to children but was single..

sure, it is hard to hear someone struggle with the very thing you want. Some empathy in the sister's direction would have gone a long way. the way that pp talks about her sister it is clear (from the post) that her sisters mental/health came way below any other "considerations"

Also, OP, you don't mention what your BIL is doing, how is he coping with this?

it is really hard to live with someone who is so relentlessly negative, or depressed or not able to cope.

Assuming that he's not switched off from everything, since you and he both care about her, have you thought of an actual intervention? where she can safely takl to you about how she is feeling, and you can all work out how to move forward? She sounds as though therapy might help.

In your place I would be doing some hard talking.
Unless she gets help SS will get involved.
She needs to do this for her kids, and for herself.
It is not okay to let her children suffer.

Wanker?!

You know NOTHING!

My sister was abusive to me from the day I existed.

My sisters husband divorced her for adultery and assault. My sister has a criminal record for repeatedly beating her husband. she's nearly had her kid taken away because of her ongoing behaviour with unsuitable men around her child.

But I'm the wanker for not being empathetic enough to this woman?

You think you know do you?!

No amount of empathy to my sister would have stopped her behaviour and she still hasn't stopped it!

Just go away if you've got nothing to do but berate me for I haven't done for a grown woman who doesn't want the child she chose to have.

OPs sister sounds like a dick too. There comes a time as a grown adult that you own the decisions you made and not put your family and siblings under pressure to support you.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your sister and then, if nothing improves, your BIL and both sets of grandparents. Whatever you do don’t ignore it, it’s a cry for help from her and must be horrible for the kids.

What has she, or your BIL said before? Have you discussed it? Like others I think she needs some kind of medical help, maybe anti-depressants or CBT. But I think the important thing from your side is guiding her towards recognising that there is a problem here which won’t get better unless she gets help. If she’s the main care giver could BIL take a sabbatical for a couple of months and she goes back to work? Or could get get a nanny/ childminder for some of the time- just to remove some of the pressure?

not talking to or about you you, merely using your comment to emphasise what wankers might say. I can see it might offend you. Sorry about that but i can only go off what you wrote on account of this being an anonymous forum., HTH

I will say again: some family members can be absolute wankers.
Some are lovely. If OP is worried, as she seems to be from subsequent posts, i think it would be of greater benefit to speak to BIL first, and then possibly their parents.

"She needs support", "she's struggling to cope", "she's depressed"....
None of this is an excuse to demean your children in such a vicious way behind their backs. She's had (I presume) at least a couple of decades of life to learn to be careful with her words. Her children have only been on this planet a few years, it's the parent's job to be the bigger person. It's one thing to share with someone that your struggling with your kids' behaviour, but nursing this bitterness and hatred against your own children is just horrible.

Doesn't the child want to live with dad 😟

Why do people make all these excuses for women which they would never make for men? If a father spoke about his children like this, people would be telling the mother to leave him.

I agree.

None if these children asked to be born and they sure as hell don't deserve to be spoken to or treated badly.

I'd be surprised if the sister's thoughts aren't seeping into the way she acts towards them.

Absolutely dreadful. Hopefully her partner is supporting the children and will remove then from this environment if she doesn't get help to improve how she's coping

Just possibly because women generally spend more time with their children than men, and therefore qualify for a bit more sympathy.

Child is still very young. Don't think she'd want to be without mum. When she's a teen who knows.

Ah, hopefully things improve. It must be dreadful to watch and awful for the child to experience.

I give her plenty of sisterly love. I'm not sure why people jump to the conclusion that I don't.
I just find it hard the way she speaks about them.
How could my brother in law address this though

I don't know what to do, I don't know if this is something other people have experienced and I am finding it really hard.

Trying to support someone who doesn’t seem to be helping themselves will always be difficult. Have you discussed it with your parents? Have they seen similar behaviour from you sister?What do they think?

@Britishsummertime22
"How could my brother in law address this though"

As another poster says, he could try to change things so your sister can spend less time doing childcare.
E.g. if he did more or bought in more childcare and sister got a job.
It might involve financial sacrifices but that's what he needs to consider.

When there's two parents and one isn't coping the first person I'd be speaking to is the other parent. Does he have any insight here?

When men are depressed and struggling with their kids the general advice on here is that, along with counselling/support, they need to do MORE with the children, not less, so that the bond can strengthen.

Does your sister work op? How are workloads like housework, child drop offs/pick ups, bed times split, if you know?

This won't be a popular opinion but I know lots of mum who say awful things about their kids, are obsessed with naps to get a break etc. I genuinely think too much is now expected of mum's and we're starting to see the affects... So many work demanding jobs then come home and still do all house stuff, most of the day to day parenting, appointments, planning etc and it's just too much. Downtime is mostly spent scrolling rectangles of anxiety that companies have spent billions making us all addicted to. People are burning out and just don't have the capacity.

You see it all the time on here, thread after thread of how people hate parenting, countdown to bed time, are more shouty than they want to be, dread weekends with their children. And it all gets fed with people agreeing how shitty everything is, how little kids are just knobs and to just hang on until they're older. Which I get because people make those threads when they're already feeling down and people relate and want to offer solidarity, but I'm just not sure the relentless negativity helps in the long run.

I hope your sister agrees to get the help and support she needs op. You sound like a lovely, caring person.

@Fivebyfive2

But also one can say that it's because parenting is much more child centred nowadays. E.g. 50-70 years ago parents would spend less time say at bedtimes and children would be expected to obey much more quickly. Or children were left in the pram in the garden for hours.
While people will say that was bad for the children, this is now bad for parents/mothers who are now completely exhausted and have little life of their own, despite being people themselves.
Hence the desperation for naps, to get the smallest bit of time from themselves.

My sister works part time and my BIL does loads tbh. He barely ever goes out, maybe once a year. They tend to split bedtime and one puts a kid each to bed. He never stops with the kids he's always playing with them, tidying, making food, doing diy etc