Should I tell my friend what her husband has been saying about her?

[alicenotwonderland]

This isn't really an aibu as such but could still apply. Basically I have a friend I've known quite a while now, she's a good person and very kind. I am in a running group that her husband goes to. I've gotten to know him and to say he is misogynistic and awful would be an understatement. He is constantly flirting with another woman years younger than him and pestering her to have an affair with him and he will go on with all the usual rubbish like his wife "doesn't understand him".

The things he says about her kinda make my skin crawl, one of the latest being "It's not easy waking up next to a swamp donkey every morning".

It's difficult to know what to do. He knows I'm friends with his wife but still comes out with this kinda stuff, then all over Facebook he has gushing photos of both of them and everyone thinks they are an amazingly happy couple.

Would I be right to just stay out of things or should I tell her what he has been saying?

I wouldn't tell her, no.

I would make an idiot of him in front of the running group and inform him that his misogynistic comments are offensive and disrespectful and that you're not quite sure who he thinks is impressed by that, because it's awful.

If she had heard this from your husband are you close enough friends that you would want her to tell you?
Be prepared to lose your friend as often the messenger is shot.
Personally I'd be trying to record the conversation next time so I could just play it to her. I'm not sharing anything if it's only his word against mine. I like evidence to back myself if I'm going to share anything so earth shattering, or other witnesses who are willing to back me up. Because the husband will just say you're lying, he's never going to own up.

What he is doing is wrong, 100%.

I'd be tempted to loudly say at the running group something to put him in his place so everyone hears

You should speak to him first.
going to his wife (your friend) could cause more problems for you - I’d approach him and ask him why he’s such an a*hole… and say you’re not comfortable with him speaking about your friend like this - how would she feel if she knew? You could threaten to tell her, see if he changes.
bjt on the other hand, i would wanna know if my husband was disrespectful about me behind my back.
hard one.
approach him first.

Yes this. And mention how it’s funny he posts all this lovey dovey stuff on Facebook but here at running club says such shitty things!

Call him out in front of people next time.
I wouldn’t tell her - how humiliating for her the poor lady.

My sister bf is awful to her, but it's painted on social media that they are the best couple ever. I have tried to defend her and got ostracised from the family cuz my mum and dad have both passed and his family rule the roost now.

I don't really have a family because his are so involved and he really is awful to my sister.

So it depends. I'd want to know... but my personality is different and there are consequences for doing the right thing.

Why are you letting him talk about your friend like that in front of people??

If I heard that I'd say 'excuse me, why the fuck are you talking about your wife that way?'

Maybe say you'll tell his wife and see what he says. If he is like this in public whats poor wife's life behind closed doors...

I would do exactly this.

Well, hypothetically - because I do understand how hard it must be to follow through on this sort of advice!

But I completely agree with this. It will be way more effective to show him up for who he is in front of the running group, who he presumably is trying to impress, rather than you reporting back what you’ve heard to his wife. The second option risks you being targeted as the messenger, your friendship with her ending as she deals with what she’s found out and him denying everything and wriggling out of it. It will lead you and her to suffer, and leave him sitting pretty - which would be awful.

Why are a whole group of people tolerating this disgusting disrespectful chat? Are they all arseholes too? Are people giving social cues that it's unacceptable and he's just completely self unaware?

Call him out. Stand up for your friend when he talks shit about her. You don’t need to speak to her, at least until you’ve tried addressing it with him.

If she's a close friend, there is no way I'd be able to listen to a man speak about his wife (my friend) like this and be able to stay quiet. I would have said something to him and called him out for his behaviour. It's completely disrespectful.

I wouldn't tell her but I would definitely call him out for his behaviour in front of everyone in the group. You could say very loudly that you know his wife and she's a very attractive and lovely woman, it's just a shame she's married to such a vile disgusting pig.

I don't understand why you haven't said anything when you hear him? Even if it's just "Oi, that's your wife and my friend you are taking about"

@peepsypops
Sorry I tagged you by mistake and couldn't untag you :) thanks everyone for your input. Thing is I have stood up for my friend and told him he is behaving in a disgusting way. What surprises me is that there are so many women in the group who just laugh along with him and the whole thing

I’d tell her.

So the women in the group laugh along when he calls his wife disgusting names? I'd tell the whole lot of them what you think of them and find another running group. I couldn't be around people like that.

@Noseybookworm I'm going to call it quits this week, I can't be around it anymore either and sadly he isn't the only misogynistic person in the group.

Does somebody run this group?

I have to say my experience of running groups is they can be a bit lechy. Men trying to impress the independent active women who want to keep coming to the group so may not speak out as its not the reason they are there. It's always made me feel a bit wierd. Anyway back to your post what completely awful behaviour.

Stay out of it. Messenger always gets shot.

I’d maybe hint that he makes a lot of jokes and things, sort of get her thinking and maybe see how she reacts. It’s very upsetting.

@beebopdoobop there's another guy who runs the group who seems to share the same dire humour and misogyny, it's really only me and one other women who have called them out on the stuff they have been saying

Tell him he comes across as insecure. Whether true or not i find its the one thing arrogant assholes absolutely cannot cope with, it might shut him up.

I don't think I'd tell her but maybe if she confided that they had other issues you could say he doesn't speak respectfully and give a mild example. I wouldn't repeat specifics. Poor woman married to an awful man like that.

I wouldn't tell her - as if she does believe you and confronts him - he will lie and say he was joking and you misunderstood, or you fancy him, are jealous of her or some other bullshit and unless she is prepared to do something about it - it will definitely be a shoot the messenger falling out.
Next time he says something I would loudly say - god, you're really disgusting about your lovely wife - who are you trying to impress with this shit?

Ugh. It must be deeply unpleasant for the woman he's harassing, too.