Should I tell my friend what her husband has been saying about her?

[alicenotwonderland]

This isn't really an aibu as such but could still apply. Basically I have a friend I've known quite a while now, she's a good person and very kind. I am in a running group that her husband goes to. I've gotten to know him and to say he is misogynistic and awful would be an understatement. He is constantly flirting with another woman years younger than him and pestering her to have an affair with him and he will go on with all the usual rubbish like his wife "doesn't understand him".

The things he says about her kinda make my skin crawl, one of the latest being "It's not easy waking up next to a swamp donkey every morning".

It's difficult to know what to do. He knows I'm friends with his wife but still comes out with this kinda stuff, then all over Facebook he has gushing photos of both of them and everyone thinks they are an amazingly happy couple.

Would I be right to just stay out of things or should I tell her what he has been saying?

I would definitely tell your friend. If roles were reversed, I would want to know. I’d be upset if a friend witnessed this and didn’t tell me, so I’d know what sort of man I was with.
if it was me, I’d call him out in the running group if I heard comments like that, tell my friend what was said and if I thought a large section of the running group were being tolerant of his behaviour I would either leave it or of someone was in charge of the running group I would talk to them about the behaviour from everyone. If they were proactive in stomping it out - I’d stay. But if they were dismissive - I’d leave.

i admit though, it’s easy for all of us to give our opinions when we aren’t in your situation.
if you’re worried if your friend would believe you, then I agree with others re- get a voice/video recording of him to back you up.

Before you quit the group (which I think you should as most of them sound awful), please point out his disgusting comments are the complete opposite of the gushing ones he posts online. And then ask him which ones are true: the swampy donkey or the love of his life, because you know his wife and she is lovely. Also - I agree with some PP: record his behavior and share with your friend. She deserves to know.

I think as you've already tried to call it out I would have a go at recording him before you leave the group OP. I would struggle with how much hearing it was going to upset his wife, but not as much as I would struggle with not telling her and letting her continue to live with (and trust!) a man who could speak like that about her. I would be utterly devastated in her shoes though, poor woman

I thought you were going to say that he didn't know you were friends with her. It's surprising he says all this in front of you as her friend. He obviously doesn't give a crap. Difficult situation

The idea to record him is a great one and something I would never even have thought of, I'll go back to the group just to do that. @AlpiniPraline I think he just has absolutely self awareness or empathy , how he speaks about women is vile

A colleague I worked with a few years ago told me his wife was awful and they weren't really together. He kept pestering me fir a date. I checked his FB and loads of gushing romantic posts. I wasn't interested anyway but it made me angry for her. Some men are like this.

Difficult @alicenotwonderland as well because what if he decides to tell your friend a bunch of lies, even you were trying it on with him and are now making trouble because he refused you. As someone else said, you almost need a recording of him. Or somehow engineer your friend hearing him.

I would stand up for her in front of the others.

On reflection I think I would tell her because how else is she going to get the opportunity to know what he's like?

He sounds awful. Your friend needs to know what he's been saying about her. Once she's got that knowledge it's up to her what she does with it. I agree recording him is a good idea in case your friend doesn't believe you. My friend told me my ex was cheating on me and I was grateful to her. I kicked my exh out. Without that knowledge I'd just have plodded along not really happy but not unhappy either.

I'd flounce and take the nice people with you. "I'm not really suited to the group's 'humour' and I don't want to hear my friend referred to the way she is so I'm planning to run alone. Anyone wants to join me, let me know".

You can include or exclude the crossed out bit as you will. My running group is run by a woman and it's brilliant. So supportive and lovely.

Brave, I hope you pull it off and let us know how it goes!

Yes, this happened…….i guess the summer holidays are upon us.

I think I'd be inclined to call him out on FB. Next time he posts a gushy photo of him and his wife doing something together, I'd probably write something like 'oh, and this is the wife who 'doesn't understand you', is it? Or 'I'd never have realised you were so together, when I hear the way you refer to your wife as a 'swamp donkey'. If that's a phrase he uses in normal life, she'll know that it's true. What an absolute pig!!

Absolutely this - I would shout - 'if you carry on speaking about your wife, my friend, I will record it and send it to her'

How does the younger woman he is flirting with react when he saying such awful things about his wife?

@Kitkatcatflap she just tries to avoid him but it's obvious how embarassed she actually is because he constantly makes lewd comments on her. Said one day that he would love to "devour her like fish and chips", he doesn't even try to hide what a pig he actually is the majority of the time

Absolutely tell her. She has a right to know he's trying to have an affair and blackening her name.

Don’t get involved.

Is there a group admin? Could he be reported to the group admin. He shouldn't be allowed to make a young woman uncomfortable. He is sexually harassing her.

I'd literally say stop showing off in front of your friends. That's exactly what he's doing, what a prick.

Do t get involved.You really don't know the dynamics of their relationship.

Leave and start up your own group with the nice woman and the one he is flirting with, if they ask just say you all find their behaviour pathetic and childish. If your friend asks you why you've left you can say it's full of sexist, rude bullies who slag off and laugh about their partners behind their backs.

That was my thought too but not sure how viable it is in reality, if you do it I’d send anonymously.

I think I'm just going to record him and try and think of a way of sending the whole thing anonymously. I'd feel too bad just telling her outright the stuff he has been saying. The fact he is so brazen about it all, knowing me and and a few of the others know his wife just makes me see the lack of respect he actually has for her.

Definitely going to set up my own group aswell just for women, kinda had it with the misogyny with some of the others in the group