Should I tell him?

[whattodo22222]

I've got a male friend who supported me through the break up of my relationship with my son's father. We've known each other for 2-3 years. Recently we've slept together a couple of times and I've just found out I'm pregnant (very early). I'm 100% sure I don't want to keep the baby, I'm finding single motherhood challenging as it is and it's not the right thing for my son and I. I'm torn over whether to tell him or not, I know he's currently under a lot of stress and particularly busy today as he told me when I saw him yesterday. Do I need to burden him with this? I don't think I need him to come with me to have a termination, I'm okay to handle it on my own.

AIBU not to tell him?

He shouldn’t have a say because he isn’t the one who’s pregnant. This is the OP’s decision about her own body.

To answer a couple of things, I do think our relationship could go somewhere but that wouldn't change my mind about the situation. I'm involved in a legal battle with my son's father to get our house sold (he cheated on me but is making every stage difficult). So I just couldn't cope with a pregnancy and new baby right now. I'm taking the mini pill so wasn't being careless :(

I see no reason to tell him especially if you are certain you wish to terminate. I hope all goes well with you, Op. 💐

This exactly

I wouldn’t tell him unless you either want his input on the decision, or you plan to keep it. If neither applies I would not involve him.

And what would 'having a say' look like to you?

Insisting the OP goes through 9 months of pregnancy, subsequent childbirth and then a postnatal period of time, just so he can have his baby?

Nope.

I personally wouldn't tell him OP. No need for justifications, he's a mate and a casual lover and who knows what life will look like with him further down the road. Do what's right for you and the child you've got here and now.

And a big hug to you too; life's a kick in the dick at times, isn't it?

No, I think you’re reasonable to make a solo decision on this.

However, please sort reliable birth control if you haven’t already.

I don't think telling him would add anything to this situation, unless you feel having his support would help you. You seem to know what is the best decision for yourself and your DS, at the moment, and you can't be sure how your friend would react.

I voted that YABU to not tell him because is is currently stressed.

If you don't want to tell him, then don't. But the motivation for not telling him should be what is best for you. Not what is best for him.

Thank you all so much for your replies btw. I'm in bed right now and don't feel like I can tell anyone in real life about this, but you've all helped a lot x

Would your feelings/decision change if you told him & he begged you to keep it & promised emotional & financial support throughout?
If the honest answer is that it wouldn’t make any difference & you’d still terminate, then it’s kindest to both of you to not tell him… ever.

If his reaction might make you rethink, then you should tell him and allow him some input.

ultimately… your body, your choice.

I really can’t think of a reason to tell him. Irrespective of whether the relationship has legs, you’ve made the hard decision that this is not the right time for you to have another child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, I can’t imagine it’s been an easy decision to come to.

I wouldn't tell him OP. I helped a friend go through something similar and she regretted telling the man as he was highly stressed and not helpful. It may be tricky in the future for you to keep it a secret but I wish you the best of luck with the termination x

There's your answer ❤️ xx

I would tell him but make sure you frame it that you have already made your decision.

If you think you might end up in a relationship with him, you wouldn't want to always have that secret from him would you?

I had an abortion at 30 with a 3 year old at home ( was married for 10 to DD father, he cheated and left us both while she was under a year old)
After 2 years single I went on my first date in 10+ years, booked a doctors appointment to get a coil. While waiting for the coil fit I fell pregnant. My own fault for not taking more precautions.

My brain was how do I tell my toddler that there will be a new baby who has a different dad to her who neither of us barley know when I was living with my mum and struggling as a single mum anyway!

I've never regretted it, and my DD had not been the easiest child over the years to care for

If you see this relationship going somewhere in the future, I think I'd be inclined to tell him for the sake of honesty.
It's your body and your decision what you do but I'd want to be honest with someone I potentially saw as a partner because telling him at a later date would be difficult, as would keeping it from him.

I did actually tell the new partner, I was pregnant and planning to get an abortion. We went out for 3 years after I fell pregnant before knowing him a month.
It wasn't an issue in our relationship as we both knew it was for the best. We never mentioned it after a couple months had passed

If you want to continue wit this relationship I would tell him and I would tell him I’m not keeping it.

I wouldn't tell him personally if you're 100% you won't be having the child x

You are absolutely right to prioritise your son in all this. This is not a good time for you in terms of stability, emotional wellbeing etc etc - and I would also worry that your ex sounds the type to use this as another way to complicate things or paint you as the bad guy.

Just get the house sold, create a new normal for your child. Don't tell this new guy about the pregnancy if you don't want to. It's your choice to make and it's really clear what you need to do. I know it's a crap situation but you are being a really good mum right now.

@Scousefab

Can you explain why you think he should have a day?

OP wants a termination. , do you think he should be able to prevent that?

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I've just called him and told him, he supports my decision. Feels like a weight off my shoulders

Enjoying all these presumptive comments he should be there to support her!! Wow love all these comments being horrible it is merely a suggestion. Yes it’s her body her decision but why should she face it alone with no support!