To think the only fair way to leave your money is equally

[Runbunny]

Between your children. Plus any other legacies, but treat the children equally.

I understand people will have reasons for doing it differently, but you just leave behind a world of hurt and possible friction between siblings.

My Dad spends a lot of time thinking about his will and inheritance tax and occasionally floats various ideas past us. ATM as far as I know, it is to be split equally between SDsis and I . I often tell him I don't care, I wish he'd just spend it all, and I mean it.

However, his latest idea is that he'll leave the lion's share to me and my DC because I'm widowed and neither I or DC are likely to be left anything by DH's parents, whereas DSis's family stand to inherit well from her inlaws.

I'm horrified at the idea. It's probably true that DSis needs the help less than I do, but neither of us are broke and as I understand it there's a decent sum (care home requirements excepted) to split anyway. I think it's about more than the money, and DSis would be entitled to feel very hurt if our parents do anything unequal. Plus no one really knows what ILs will leave or who to.

Yes to be left equally.

In our case equally means making up the difference to other DC’s. One DC has loaned money from us over time and has stopped repayments. We can't afford to give the other DC’s the same money now. ( in fact if the money had been related we would have shared that between all DC’s) but can make up the difference in our will.

In practice that leaves one DC without anything in the will, because that money has already been gifted.

I agree with you, always equal. SIL was given no money when her grandfather died, it was shared between her siblings instead- reason being that she and my brother are "well off" and have no children, they have good jobs yes but are by no means rich just have done better than her siblings, and they would love kids it just hasn't happened yet. I know it caused a lot of upset for her not really about the money just being treated differently, and it took time for her to feel ok with her family again.

Mostly I’d agree, but IMO sometimes there are genuine grounds for leaving someone out, or treating them differently.

I do know someone who’s disinherited an adult dc, but they have every very valid reason for doing so.

I completely agree.

Having favourites and leaving more to one than the other is just vile.

How can a parent last gesture to one child mean they don't actually like them very much, or they are punishing them to do "too well"? I could not do that to my own children, it's horrible.

@BigDahliaFan if funds are placed in trust, it may be set up in a way that means assets belong to the trust, not the grandson, in which case it might not affect his benefit entitlement

Exactly this.

Definitely should be equal. You can never assume that anyone will inherit well from in-laws either, as all the money could go to care costs as they age. Inheritance is not a guarantee for anyone.

Yes should definitely be split evenly between DCs IMO.

Slightly hi-jacking this post but interested in people’s views on my situ- I have one sibling. Sib had godparents (I had none due to getting christened in a different denomination church due to where we lived in UK in infancy- not a particularly good reason for lack of independent adult support in your life IMO). When sib’s GP1 died, they left a not insignificant amount to sib (I’ve been indicated from DM that it was about £25k but could be more as no one will confirm amount) plus sib got a decent cash wedding gift from another GP. When I expressed unfairness re lack of equality of opportunity for GP inheritance (ie by my not having any GPs) I was just told that life was unfair! This has now been compounded with DMs wishes to leave GC dispersement from her estate (she won’t say exactly how much but lead to believe fairly substantial) then split the rest between sib and me. Issue is sib has 3 DCs and I have 2 DCs so already “my side” is getting less vs sib’s. I agree with PP who had said about DCs getting even split and if they want to give any money to their own DCs (DGCs) they can do that from their own half (else just give a token amount to each GC given uneven split eg <£5k). I feel I shouldn’t be penalised for having less children plus, I think if it were me, I’d even up for GP inheritance if that happened to my DCs- thoughts?

Fair or unfair, it isn't your money so not wasting energy on something that you can't change.

People are entitled to make their own decisions about their own money and property.

If it is not equal there should be a very good reason. Though anyone's will should always be their decision and theirs alone.

Most MNers agree it should be equal but I don't. If you have two kids and one is married to a city law firm partner and living in the Surrey Hills in a £3 million house and the other is a teacher and struggling to make ends meet, I'd give the teacher more. Even if they split up, the rich one is going to get half the rich lawyer's money.

But then if I had wealth I wouldn't hoard it until I died and would give my struggling teacher child some money when they needed it, rather than making them wait maybe 30 years for it!

If circumstances change you can change your will, anyway.

I have a friend with 2 DSis. Friend never married or had kids and stayed in family home with DPs. Both DSis left home at 18 for Uni and settled in other parts of the country, both married with children.

Friend cared for both DPs, now deceased. DSis didn’t really get involved. The house fell into disrepair over the last few years. The Estate is split equally between the 3, but DSis 1 holds the purse strings over repairs and is reluctant to spend. The house needs a lot doing to it. Friend can’t sell as her third wouldn’t be enough for her to buy anything (NW England).

I can’t help think that she should have got half, not because her sisters are better off, as they both own their own property, but because the house is her actual home and her nieces/nephews will more than likely inherit it anyway. Plus she did all the care.

P.S. I am an only child myself so haven’t said this to her as not sure if it’s appropriate. It’s hard to judge sibling related matters.

If I have anything left after I've burned through my savings on cruises, face lifts and cream teas, and if my house hasn't been sold to pay a few weeks of care costs, I plan to divide it equally between my children and grandchildren. Same amount per person.

I agree it should always be split equally - anything otherwise smacks of favouritism which has reached the point of being reinforced publicly with money, and risks destroying the sibling relationship.

In the millionaire sibling/poor sibling examples, don't forget that the millionaire sibling can always give their half to the poorer sibling. There's no rule that says you have to keep an inheritance.

Even the examples where the parent has given more (eg a house deposit to one child and not the other), should be corrected by a specific bequest of the same amount to the other sibling and then there should be an equal split of everything else.

The only exception might be the disabled grandchild example at the top of the thread, but again, the parents of the child (or the child themselves if they have legal capacity and reach adulthood) can make a will that returns what's left of the money to the other grandchildren after the disabled child's death.

I'm the DC with 1 child who hasn't requested and required loads of extras, but am aware the intent is to leave equally to DC and GC. When DC have different numbers of children, and when you have helped some of them far more than others with childcare and money - then scross the various bits of support it tots up to a lot of money being given to the other sibling families and that can feel unfair. I wouldn't dream of complaining, it is a parent's choice who they give preference to, but I do feel it is unkind of them.

Whilst of course it's up to the individual who they leave their estate too in many (most) cases the estate itself will be made up by things other than money the individual has earned themselves.

I cringe when people who I know are wealthy largely due to inheritance and house price inflation talk about blowing it all on cruises so their kids shouldn't expect anything. Of course it's their money so they can do whatever but it's not a great look imo.

Mm. I'm not sure giving someone a chunk of money they haven't earned often falls into the category of 'unkind'. It's extremely generous to leave money to others that you could have spent on enjoying your own life, whatever the sum. If bequests are used to make some sort of posthumous statement of favouritism, then that's clearly not good. However there's nothing to stop the beneficiaries equalising it between themselves if they feel the deceased got it wrong.

Actually no - what your dc do, your relationship matters too. If you have 3 kids and one puts their life on hold for 5+ years, moves in as a live in carer etc whilst the others barely bother to phone, I think the sibling who provided care should have that taken into consideration - what's minimum wage for 69 hours a week for however many years!!!

If there are disabilities then it's essential to get professional advice, we have had this issue and it was resolved by the solicitor but could have affected benefits, and it's not the money per se, its needing to reapply for everything after just a few months as it was not that much over the threshold and her annual care package costs tens of thousands a year.

It seems fair to leave the house to one DC and money to the other but what happens if all the money gets spent on care fees. Is it fair for one DC to get a house and the other one nothing?

In an ideal world, yeah it should be but in reality it doesn’t always work like that.

my mums will isn’t equal, due to Low contact with one child , drugs, alcohol, manipulation and abusive behaviour and previous money loaned and never paid back.

i set to inherit the majority with the grandchildren getting a share too, we are talking less than 30k in total.

This is exactly what happened to a friend. His DSis was given money towards a house deposit, and friend was due to receive same amount to enable them to have double glazing. The DM died suddenly and the Will split everything 50/50. When friend pointed out the inequity to DSis, it was "tough, that's not my fault". Friend never went out of the way to help DSis again.