To think the only fair way to leave your money is equally

[Runbunny]

Between your children. Plus any other legacies, but treat the children equally.

I understand people will have reasons for doing it differently, but you just leave behind a world of hurt and possible friction between siblings.

My Dad spends a lot of time thinking about his will and inheritance tax and occasionally floats various ideas past us. ATM as far as I know, it is to be split equally between SDsis and I . I often tell him I don't care, I wish he'd just spend it all, and I mean it.

However, his latest idea is that he'll leave the lion's share to me and my DC because I'm widowed and neither I or DC are likely to be left anything by DH's parents, whereas DSis's family stand to inherit well from her inlaws.

I'm horrified at the idea. It's probably true that DSis needs the help less than I do, but neither of us are broke and as I understand it there's a decent sum (care home requirements excepted) to split anyway. I think it's about more than the money, and DSis would be entitled to feel very hurt if our parents do anything unequal. Plus no one really knows what ILs will leave or who to.

My bro and SIL really struggle with money whereas dh and I don't. If my parents explained they wanted to leave it all to db for this reason, how could I be hurt? Of course I'd understand. But like you op, my preference would be for them to enjoy every penny themselves.

Part of the problem is that what seems equal is different to different people, as evidenced by the question of what to do about grandchildren. I think as fair as possible and make sure you have discussed it so no one gets a shock and they all have a chance to talk about why they feel it's unfair if they do.

Disinheritance is very common. I broadly agree default should be equal though which the vast majority of people do..

That said sometimes one child is massively successful and the other isn’t and decent parents tie themselves in knots over it as the successful child is often still helpful and kind and parent doesn’t want to upset them but for the poorer sibling the inheritance life changing.

Unfortunately not everyone sees it like that... You read about so many arguments over money when parents die.

I mean can you not all - you, dsis and your dad not just sit down and talk about it?
I can see why your dad might want to try and balance the scales for his grandchildren.

A dear friend of mine has an emotionally abusive brother. Her mother tried so hard for years to appease him and to include him in eg family celebrations but he finally went too far and she felt she had to cease contact with him. She has written him out of her will (as far as Scottish law allows) and hasn't told him.

He is going to go BALLISTIC when she dies and he realises what she's done. I'm certain that he will take this out entirely on my friend but ultimately it is his own vile actions that have got him to where he is now. And his grasping, treacherous wife.

It’s theirs to leave however they want.

Quite simple - equal to each child. Up to them if they want to help their own kids before they themselves inherit.

In a lot of these cases where there is some elaborate unequal split I'd hazard a guess that plenty of the wealth being controlled to the nth degree was, itself, inherited in the first place!

Our brother is getting the family home (in London so worth a lot) because he didn’t move out and boys are mollycoddled in our family.

I’m resigned to it and still provide care to parent.

DH is NC with his dad and will refuse to accept any inheritance.

So in our case we have no expectation of an inheritance from either side. We also did not get any parental help with house deposit etc so have never had any expectation.

Well in an ideal world yes but obviously it has to depend on the individual circumstances. If one child is disabled and will never have the opportunities that the other does for example.

One size can't fit all.

Any justification as to which child will benefit most is based on a snapshot in time. A better off sibling might lose everything due to illness or disability. A poorer child might end up marrying a millionaire or winning the lottery.

When my DH's grandma died she split her money evenly between her grandkids. My DH earned much more than the others so redistributed his share to everyone else.
My mother left her estate evenly between me and my siblings. One has disabled child. My other sister (childless) has told me she will leave all her assets to this child. Seems totally fair to me. I will be leaving my estate evenly between my kids.

I agree 100 percent to leaving money equally between DC. The only exception is if one DC is severely disabled and then I'd set aside some of their share of money to go into a trust to help provide for them once I'd gone with the rest being split equally between the DC.

I guess it depends on the individual family and the amount left, my husbands great grandma died two years ago, she left her house to him and her money to his little brother, fairly equal amounts if we look at what the house could be sold for.

We aren’t sure about ours at the moment, as it stands we’ve set up a trust so if we both die both children are looked after and their uncle is able to access funds to raise them. Once they’re adults it depends on their situation, our daughter has cerebal palsy, she’s only two, so at the moment we don’t know if she’ll be independent or not, she may require care, assisted living etc. If she does it is likely we would leave her a larger share to ensure her standard of living doesn’t decrease if we aren’t there to help fund it etc. If she is able to be independent, it would be shared equally. If either of them decide to have children one family may technically get more if their children inherit from us. Again, if one had a child with additional needs we may decide that actually they do require more help so may leave that child with a larger share to help pay for care needs etc.

DPs have said their estate, once both pass, is to be shared equally between the DCs. There will be more cash to some, as there will be property to others, but the value should be similar (ish). And DM has a list of specific items of jewellery that she wants split certain ways between DDs, DDILs and DGDs. But I have no doubt there will be plenty that gets argued about. And plenty of upset about the real value of some items and perceptions of favouritism (if anything - they are trying to look after those most in need to the detriment of others in their attempts at fairness, as not all items are the same value in reality).

I think the main thing is to communicate. It seems to me that the big issue with differing inheritances is that they so often come as a surprise.

I agree that equal should be the starting point. There are cases though where being “equal” really isn’t fair. If one child is severely disabled and cannot care for themselves, it would be churlish to deny the parents the right to leave them enough money to be cared for. I have no idea what my family member’s will states, but they’ve given one brother a house, a large plot of land, and funded lots of training for him to set up a successful business, the other brother hasn’t had any of that - so if they have split the inheritance equally I expect that’ll go down badly.

I have two DC. The youngest vanished over 4yrs ago and cut off the whole family including their sibling. We don't even know where they live.

I've re-written my will so they only get 10% with 90% to my eldest. If they want nothing to do with us, why would they want any inheritance?

I think inheritance chat brings out the worst in some people!

One of my siblings has had a much less fortunate life than the rest of us, and I suspect will receive the bulk of my mum's (not inconsiderable) estate when the time comes. I have no expectations, and would have no issue with this.

Sure there might be a lottery win or billionaire partner in the future, but statistically that is far less likely than life continuing on a similar trajectory, and surely all parents want their children to be comfortable and happy

@harmfulsweeties we are pretty much in that scenario - although we have a mortgage and can afford our bills/food/some extra curricular activities for our children, we don't have much left after that and rarely go on holiday/out to eat. My brother is married to a multimillionaire- their kids go to the most expensive private schools, they go on holiday 8 or so times a year and always having amazing experiences. My parents will (rightfully in my opinion) leave everything shared equally and have always treated us equally.

MIL has left her money to be shared among her grandchildren. I am surprised about how upset DH is about this - particularly as we have 2 children and his brother has 1, so as a family we are getting "more". However he sees it as his mother showing her (lack of) affection about him; it's not really to do with the money.

Not necessarily, unless you can leave 10’s of millions for whole life care. Otherwise leaving money will affect benefits, and once the money runs out you’re back to square one again , potentially reclaiming benefits and possibly changing care homes or whatever has been set up with inherited money.
We are in this position and have left some money in trust for siblings to administrate for her, but otherwise haven’t split equally as it just wouldn’t benefit our disabled daughter. With a trust the siblings will have some money for her but not the full inheritance, this makes us feel sad but the whole situation is sad to be honest.
Normally i think inheritances should be equal

Bloody hell, it was your choice to have kids! Pure greed.

My parents are leaving a token amount to my nieces and the rest split 50/50 with me and my sister.

My sister believes it should be divided in 4 between her, me and my nieces however my parents have said no.

My nieces will get it in a roundabout way as I will leave everything I have to them.

If it were to be done based on who needs it more it'd be my sister. I'm not rolling in it but have a house whereas she doesn't. Difference is I've worked from the age of 17 while she barely has worked while my parents raised her kids and she's a drug addict.

I'm always confused by posters who want their parents to spend it all on themselves and have fun. Surely the majority of inherited cash comes from property, not from liquid assets? My parents have modest sums in the bank, certainly not enough for cruises etc. But due to developments in the UK property market in my lifetime, they will all leave significant sums when their houses are sold.

My sibling has always been in highly paid work and married into a wealthy family. I know my parents have split their estate evenly between us. I've had help buying a house and apparently my sib would like to see this reflected in their will. Given that we have two kids with serious disabilities, the sib can bite me as I won't be giving them money we need and they do not.