To wonder if they're two faced

[sensitivesarah]

I'm weary of manipulative and two faced people. As a classic people pleaser, I've had my fair share of 'friends' walk all over me in the past.

There are two women at work, who are very close and seemingly have always been friendly to me. I would describe them (and me) as classic gossips, talking down about other people's performance and sharing information we have.

I've noted though on instagram they both stopped liking my posts completely. They both reply to my stories but won't interact with me publicly. They like each others and other people's, in fact they don't miss a beat. I don't think I ever scroll past a mutual colleagues post and don't see they've left their mark. However they both must have 'missed' by new home post just last week.

I'm aware this might sound immature and I'm not that young (34) but we've all worked together for several years and I'm weary of them because of their negativity and toxic behaviour (which I also engage in) but it feels like perhaps deep down, I am competition for them also and they are nice to my face but behind my back I'm another person therm criticise, hence they won't interact with me online. I can't think of why otherwise.

Be kinder? Coming from someone desperate to fit in they behave in ways they’re now on the receiving end of and don’t like.

to answer your question, they probably think you’re a two faced bitchy person and they’re right. You’re trying to make out you’re a people pleaser but then actively bitching.

take your own advice, be kinder

I have some genuine advice for you - surround yourself with people who will bring you up, you’ll always rise to the lowest level of who you surround yourself with people who are not the kindest as you’ve admitted you’ll fall the lowest level amongst the circle.

Tbh I think you're kidding yourself, and engaging in gossip about who you see as underperforming, not liked as much etc ain't becoming for anyone. You don't and won't make any meaningful friends or work colleagues like that. You're not a people pleaser, you're just taking the easy route of passive aggressive bullying with the other two. Your obsession of seeing who's liked or commented on what on social media and reading too much into it is ridiculous and immature.

Don't you understand how chat threads work?

where are my bitchy and toxic behaviour?

Calking someone who freely admits that are a gossip and engage in poor behaviour, toxic behaviour and bitching…. exactly how they describe themself and essentially saying… that is shit and stop… is not “bitchy and toxic”

Yes you do. We all do. It's the nature of mumsnet.

You keep coming back to this thread to remind OP she sucks and you're glad she's infertile. That's bitchy.

A little self awareness wouldn't hurt you.

it is chat

we don’t have to specifically answer anything

we are… chatting 🤷

Quite surprised at the tone of some of the responses here. Quite harsh. OP has confirmed they go for after work drinks once a month and after a few drinks, the trio share frustrations about their manager. It’s hardly an anything unusual at that rate, there must be a lot of love for your own managers to be so up in arms about it.

Agree that @courgettes4eva has won the hypocrisy award. OP mentioned the then half a dozen comments which had been posted, but it must almost be at a dozen by now, even after saying they would happily vacate the thread. Borderline trolling.

i will bow out

Addressing the many comments about me being a gossip, toxic, bitchy, talking about people behind their backs and not being a people pleaser - I probably didn't paraphrase every well in my OP.

I did correct this but appreciate that at first it came across like we do nothing else but talk about people. It's not the case, it's mainly our manager who doesn't help resolve challenges for us and is quite relaxed, whilst picking up a pay check based on our performance.

To be ultra specific, there is also someone in billing who we can only imagine is checking out, who holds the keys to our commission and causes untold delays. No reason, just clearly not on top of things. It's really menial things. My point was that these women don't engage with me on public platforms and I wonder if they talk about me. I don't know what changed as they used to a year ago and slowly stopped.

This week I've not deleted social media, something I did a few years ago and was happier for it. I reactivated my account only when I got married. When we had our fertility challenges, I took comfort from women in the same boat from around the globe sharing their stories. At one point a few of us were talking about lobbying in schools for reproduction health checks as part of Sex-Ed, after all, if I'd known about my low egg count at 19 I could have saved them :( it was too late at 31, they were gone.

I've grieved that part of my life and now my house move is done, I'm going to have a fresh start. No social media. No more drinks with those women.. who btw are more senior and older than me despite being in the same team. I think they might see me as competition somehow but I'm not sure. In reality, I can be a bit of a push over and I have very low confidence so I'm going to protect myself. I won't ever truly know what is going but I know something isn't right.

Thanks to those who replied and were not hostile, I appreciated the responses.

*now deleted my social media

So you are complaining about them possibly being the sort of people who talk about others behind their backs - like you do?

🤷 They may be. But they are just people you work with. Does it really matter if they don't admire your social media posts or talk about you like you talk about others? Just interact with them professionally, stop talking about people behind their backs and get on with your life. It's not as big a deal as you're making it.

'a somewhat about turn it would seem'

@courgettes4eva didn't you happy say you would remove yourself from this thread, then again yesterday say you would 'bow out'.

A somewhat about turn it would seem indeed.

I think that’s a good call removing yourself from social media. It was obviously giving them power to hurt and snub you
and now you have taken that power off them hurting you and stopping causing you the waste in time thinking about the whys?
you need to think who cares now and try make some real and genuine connections. You don’t need to waste any more head space on this or them

I was genuinely shocked to read the Op was 34.

I can’t imagine what you would have been like at 14 OP.

Hmm, as an outsider., and as someone who has worked for 50 plus years , the best advice is to stop the gossiping yourself, the other people have made it plain to you that you have crossed a line somewhere without saying a word , and now , you are gossiping about them, on an international thread .That's what we see, you are also sharing far too much personal information about your fertility problems, because someone bit you, learn to ignore it, you came here for opinions and don't like the answers, which is understandable, you are feeling defensive and hurt .
My advice is to either change your job or learn diplomacy. I'm not being harsh , we have to work for a very long time , make it as happy as possible and if you can't, move on.
Not everyone gossips!