Overly emotional at funerals

[busygirl8888]

I have always been on the slightly sentimental side but when it comes to funerals or very sad news I really struggle to cope and it's got to the stage where it's not appropriate and embarrassing and I dread them. I know it's good to express emotion but I go overboard: within minutes I am overcome with sadness and am a sobbing wreck with a streaming nose and unable to speak. And once I start I can't stop! The person who has passed may not necessarily have been a close family member or friend: I guess I just have quite a lot of empathy and get swept away with the moment and the sadness of the occasion.

I now have the situation where my DH's lovely dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and may only have a few months left. I want to offer support to my DH and family and to conduct myself with a bit more dignity and grace instead of bursting into tears so much. My DH and dad have been amazingly strong and positive are even finding times to laugh and see the funny side of things.

Does anyone have any tips for how to cope or pull myself together? I know I need to get a grip but I find it so difficult. I ought to mention I don't have any other issues with my mental health and am otherwise a generally upbeat person!

I'd honestly just go with it, as trying to fight it is only going to shine an internal spotlight for you and will probably make it worse.

As long as the sobbing is quiet and not loud, it's not something you can help and I'm sure everyone who knows you, will know that.

I am exactly the same and it seems as I get older the worse it becomes. When my Nan is was diagnosed with cancer and had days left to live all the family said no crying around her etc, I went to see her and I was the only one who couldn't stop crying and I mean hyperventilating crying. I had to walk out!

Another time last week I seen a patient who comes into the surgery I work in regularly, I seen her outside the shops and she was getting upset over her husband dying and how she was struggling etc, I burst out crying and then couldn't get my words out. I was so embarrassed.

I think some people like us have an overwhelming sense of empathy and emotion and we have no cut off. I think if you get it all out and then gradually when your around your fil it will become more easy and and "normal" way of living is with what he's got.

I also struggle with this op. One thing I find helpful is to try and distract myself, maybe making a grocery list in my head or that type of thing. I also try and remind myself (especially when it's not someone directly related to me who has passed) that this isn't my pain and hurt I'm just there to show support. I also try to remind myself that when others are upset at a funeral that it's a good thing and they are using this space to process their feelings and hopefully it will help to give them more closure. That what they're feeling is normal not bad.

It doesn't work every time- but someone gave me the tip of pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth to stop crying. I supported a friend at the end of her life recently - and although there were of course times where I cried fully, this tip really did help me through difficult consultations, bad news, and to a point, parts of the funeral. Also, if I've done lots of crying in the run up to a funeral, I sometimes cope better than when it's a funeral for someone I'm a bit more removed from - if that makes sense. Certainly that was true for my friend, I coped far better at her funeral than some others who I knew less well.

I think it's good you're looking at how to handle things better. Try framing sad occasions and the like as you having a role to play so remove your emotions from the situation. You can cry at home before and after but for that period of time you're in a supporting role to the primary mourners and you have to keep it together for them (ie you're 'helping' them). Think of other things at points you'd usually break down, the shopping list for the week, the next holiday you'll be booking, when the car is due for its mot etc, non emotional and slightly mundane stuff but still a distraction.

I think just accept that this will happen, but try to ensure that it doesn't impact on your ability to offer practical help and support. I think people who get overly emotional can be seen as "not worth bothering asking to help as they'll just get upset" when actually they are perfectly capable and want to help.

I am also a crier, my grandfathers funeral was my first as a grown up, and I was a mess. But since then, forcing myself to be useful to those around in need, has helped me get this slightly more under control. My immediate instinct now isn't upset but wanting to help, so my over emotional response can be suppressed and let out in private later.

I nearly always cry at funerals. I just try and do it quietly and bring plenty of tissues. I think it's natural for some people to get very emotional. It's meant to be the appropriate place and time to do it. As long as you're not disrupting the service or bawling the place down. Don't feel bad about it.

i had a particularly embarrassing experience where I cried so much at the funeral of a man I only superficially knew that members of his family were comforting me. I have never been to a funeral since. I now go to a cafe near the service and join in for the wake instead. That way I am still around to support my friends but not sobbing through a service.

I wonder if anything to make you less tired at a funeral may help, not stop crying altogether but make it less or shorter. If there is a distance to travel, doing so the previous day and staying overnight, as an example.

Sorry to read of your DH's father and I hope both your DH and you can cherish the moments that remain.

As a widow of 2.5 years I think your self awareness is admirable and will help you navigate this. At my DPs funeral I was pretty numb by that point (and drunk to be fair, yes, during the service) and I didn't care about those openly showing raw emotion. I did care about a few whose grief veered into the performative and took attention away from the proceedings. In short, wailing, breast beating or collapsing at the graveside if you're not one of the closest bereaved is an issue, but open crying is appropriate. Just my perspective. We are not robots after all. However discretion is the better part of valour. Sending strength to you and yours at this difficult time.

Please do try to control it.

I remember when my daughter died I got really pissed off at people at funeral who were carrying on. Felt like they were trying to make her death all about them.

I have to admit, I do think yo need to work on this. Don't get me wrong - expressing emotion is a normal, natural and healthy thing but this feels excessive and is a sign of emotional disregulation. @Meowzabubz I think sums it up well - some crying is normal and fine but hysterics just takes away from the grief of the family or other people's ability to process what's happening.

I would consider therapy with the express purpose of looking for tips and to try undertand why you react the way you do.

I'm the opposite. Despite feeling sorrow at the loss of the person whose funeral it is, I rarely cry at funerals. No idea why not. It's like there's an invisible buffer that just stops me.
Made my mother mad at my DGF's funeral. Told me I was cold and heartless. But then she's a performance crier. (Not saying you are OP, you sound very self aware)

I'm like you, anyone would think I'm the widow even if it's my friends Nans old neighbours funeral.
I've always been the same, just get overwhelmingly sad.
What I do now is suck on mints and think about what I'll have for tea, what I need to buy in Tesco, my next holiday.....basically anything to distract myself. Its the only way to get through it without becoming a hot mess and embarrassing myself.

I am the same OP- and hate it. I asked my therapist why I was doing in, even when I felt pretty calm beforehand and wasn’t always that close to the deceased. She said that I’m so buttoned up that it was basically an ‘approved’ outlet and once I started, basically couldn’t switch it off. Obviously she didn’t use that language- but essentially it’s like releasing a pressure valve of emotions and your brain feels like now is a good moment, given that you’re allowed to be overtly sad. Like I said- I hate it, and hate the feeling of it seeming performative/ott. I am really dreading the next occasion tbh and will use some of the tips from this thread, plus hopefully am less uptight with my emotions generally due to therapy.

Yes, it’s like ‘everyone was crying, but I was REALLY crying, I was more sad than anyone else!’

I use a mantra in the run up to difficult events where I need to hold it together..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HSuAAZp3WmM

I also lead and teach EFT (emotional freedom tevhnique) or tapping, which is really useful to regulate difficult emotions without feeling you are silencing or judging these feeling. It allows them to feel less intense.

Yes, this! OP, do you tend to bottle up your emotions usually? If so, maybe finding a way that you can let your feelings out on a regular basis would help with this. E.g. watching cathartic films?

I could have wrote your post. Lost my wonderful mum earlier this year and was really dreading making a show of myself. I always find any funeral difficult. And being Irish I attend my fair share.

Weirdly I was actually fine, upset but in check. I think the organising, the support around me and grief coated my nerves a little. It was a week after the funeral when something caught me off guard that I properly cried.

I have very sadly attended a friend's child funeral. Everyone just stood and cried, it was simply heartbreaking.

I think helped me realised it's not disrespectful nor is it embarrassing. It's just sometimes life is heartbreaking. And tears are appropriate.

One tip, make sure your tissues are not the aloe Vera ones.

I think the perspective given here is the best OP. @MistressoftheDarkSide , I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am terrible at funerals, but I would never lean into theatrics or loud cry. Tears just stream and I bite the inside of my cheek, and when there's an appropriate minute I quietly walk off by myself if it gets too much. There isn't always a best way to be when you're emotional at funerals, but I'm sure most people would rather someone who cried than laughed.

I'm usually very emotionally controlled and work in a high pressure environment. I've overheard myself being called "stony faced" by colleagues. Little do they know I sob at daft things in movies and adverts - I cried all the way through the old version of Pete's Dragon when I had a cold the other week! It all depends as well on your period cycle too - there'll be times of the month everything hits harder due to biology, or tiredness etc...

I think that saying - it's all our first times being alive - is apt to keep in mind. No one is perfect and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for being empathetic.

I empathise. I personally find it hard not to cry at funerals as it brings back memories of people I have lost in the past.

That's what I would think if I saw someone in floods of tears at a funeral who wasn't a close relative or friend of the deceased. That they were reliving their grief for their own mother/husband/best friend.

I find that grief lurks around and waits for an opportunity to get out instead of completely going away. I found myself crying when the queen died as well for that reason.

Totally understand how you feel OP. Your post and this thread has really made me think.

I remember breaking down at my adored sibling’s funeral as a teenager and being shushed rather than comforted. The strength of that grief - and that moment of being publicly told off at this most raw moment - was quite overwhelming and lonely. I then sadly didn’t attend my best friend’s funeral a year or so after that, because I was so afraid of crying in public again.

Every time I go to another funeral, or have to face something terminal / life changing, I struggle to function as my emotions are ‘right there’ and the feeling of loss is almost unbearable. I have got a lot better and always concentrate really, really hard not to lose it (outside of a few tears) because I know it can be unhelpful and distracting.

Lots of water and tissues at the ready (already removed from the packet in advance so there’s no rustling sound!), plenty of slow controlled breathing, remembering who is most important in the room, making sure there is someone near for a cuddle and knowing where to get fresh air if needed.

x

Don't go to the Sistine Chapel.

I am the same, buckets of tears at any funeral (even strangers) and God help me if they sing/play You’ll Never Walk Alone (I have to leave the church) or other funeral staples. I try not to go to the church part for any non-family funerals these days. I can cope a bit better at a removal (in Ireland) or those crematorium services as they are shorter and usually no hymns (Amazing Grace etc). I suppose in years gone by we could have made a living as professional mourners! I’m definitely going to check out the mantra and the EFT recommended above.

In some ways I think this is healthier than how I cope which is stiff upper lip until it’s over and deal with it and a much less appropriate time when the outpouring isn’t necessary.

it’s ok to be sad and to show it. As long as you aren’t detracting from what’s happening as others grieve in their own way then I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.