Overly emotional at funerals

[busygirl8888]

I have always been on the slightly sentimental side but when it comes to funerals or very sad news I really struggle to cope and it's got to the stage where it's not appropriate and embarrassing and I dread them. I know it's good to express emotion but I go overboard: within minutes I am overcome with sadness and am a sobbing wreck with a streaming nose and unable to speak. And once I start I can't stop! The person who has passed may not necessarily have been a close family member or friend: I guess I just have quite a lot of empathy and get swept away with the moment and the sadness of the occasion.

I now have the situation where my DH's lovely dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and may only have a few months left. I want to offer support to my DH and family and to conduct myself with a bit more dignity and grace instead of bursting into tears so much. My DH and dad have been amazingly strong and positive are even finding times to laugh and see the funny side of things.

Does anyone have any tips for how to cope or pull myself together? I know I need to get a grip but I find it so difficult. I ought to mention I don't have any other issues with my mental health and am otherwise a generally upbeat person!

I am the same and I absolutely hate it. Not only at funerals, but also saying goodbyes (when people are leaving work, moving away etc). Also, practically any kind of music that involves singing sets me off. It's bloody awful and there's absolutely nothing I can do to control it, so no matter how much people think I should pull myself together, that's irrelevant. To make matters worse, I am an ugly cryer. My eyes get swollen for ages, my nose is bright for ages. I have always been like this, but it has got worse with age, I think. It affects my life, because I definitely avoid things that I'd like to, or feel I should, attend, in an attempt to avoid being inappropriately emotional.

I'm the same OP and find it mortifying if I'm honest.

I think given you will be amongst the closest mourners you may find yourself occupied looking out for them so less headspace to "think" iyswim.

My main tip though - is counting. I count almost the whole time. Means I'm not always paying the closest attention to what is being said but I can usually do both to a degree. If I find myself starting to go then I focus on the numbers again until it passes.
I wish your family a peaceful time ahead

I find with every funeral they just compound all the people I've loved and lost before, in one great big sad fest. So regardless of how close I was to the latest death, I mourn them all at once. I was never much of a crier before I lost my best mate (very young) and dog (also too young) in rapid succession. Now the tears come easily.

No such thing as being overly emotional at a funeral. It's a place to process grief and love. 💚

Of course there is such a thing as being too emotional at a funeral. If you were not close to the deceased it just comes across as attention seeking.

We have an expression in Ireland that would be used to describe someone who exhibits that type of OTT emotional behaviour. They are the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

The op is aware her behaviour of not always appropriate and is looking for ways to avoid it happening. That's half the battle and she will hopefully reach a balance where she can mourn he fill while still providing support to her dh.

I'm like this at funerals. I also cry at the theatre, cinema and lots of things with my DC involved.

I managed to get through a funeral once by digging my fingernails into my palm.

But my FIL's funeral earlier this year, I got most of the way through and then I think the eulogy set me off and there wasn't really anything I could do. As family we had to walk up the middle of the church before everyone else left and that was mortifying. But I just thought about what I would think if I was one of the other people there and I figured they'd understand.

It's probably harder when it isn't a close family funeral as I don't think I have the right to be crying.

Im fine until hymns. I can’t even try and sing. As soon as I have to think about the words I’m gone. So it might look bad but I never even open the service book 🫣

Iv mastered the silent cry I was always a real ugly cryer gasping for air but now I can have tears roll down my face in absolute silence. Keep your mouth closed and hold your breath just breathing through your nose it not about controlling your crying it's about controlling your breathing

You beat me to it.

OP, this sounds very trying and tiring for you.
I'm afraid the only suggestion I have may seem ignorant, so apologies.
I would suggest watching a film, or putting yourself in a situation, that you know makes you sad and emotional.
Sort of try to channel the emotions just before the event?
Good luck

I can relate to this and find that little mindfulness or vagus nerve exercises can really help to regulate emotions in the moment.

Thinking about where you sit may also help you feel this is managed.

Being away from close family if the deceased, will mean that you know you are not upsetting them.

Oh op, I could have written this post myself! I really struggle with this too. I went to both of my grandparents on my DM’s side’s wakes. Tried to go to my DDad’s mum’s funeral, lasted about 20 seconds and then went and watched it on a screen in the lobby (which was absolutely fine). I did manage a friend’s funeral but stood right near the door in case I needed to dash out, and another friend’s funeral a couple of years ago but it took an awful lot of effort to keep controlled enough not to make a spectacle of myself. I can really relate to what another poster said about feeling all the sadness of all deaths and sad events all at once when someone dies- that’s exactly what I have too.

I have avoided memorials of 2 others more recently, one quite close to me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s awful. The fear of dominating the event with my own hysteria is such a worry. I’ve got no idea how I’ll manage when it’s people even closer to me.

I have done the counting, sipping water, self distraction with shopping lists etc as others have said. Beyond that, just know you’re not alone.

I was like this during the time that my mother was terminally ill, and that was for 5 years. When my mother actually died, I was much calmer at her funeral and have been at other funerals since.

I realise now that I was crying for her and my prospective loss but somehow when my loss was real, my grief had a focus and also I had a practical outlet because there are so many things that needed to be done.

I am not sure if this is relevant to you but we are all complicated!

If you find your reaction embarrassing and over the top, you could see if some light tranquillisers from your GP help at all.

I'm the same and I'm not even normally a crier. So I think @Bibbetybobbity 's post probably rings true for me. It just all come out at funerals.

Hi everyone, just a quick note to say thank you for all your wise words and tips. I think it's not an easy problem to overcome but I'm definitely going to try different things and do my best as it causes me quite a lot of worry. And as posters have said the last thing I want in these situations is to create a scene or become the centre of attention when there are others far more deserving of support. It's very reassuring to know I'm not alone so thanks again for all the advice which is much appreciated.