To ask for a handhold? Child going on hols with abusive ex

[libertybonds]

My little 7 year old daughter is going on holiday with her abusive dad and nutty (also abusive) stepmum tomorrow, to a place with sand and sun.

She wanted to go, but has also been super clingy and anxious today, as well as quite mean and shouty towards me.

I'm terrified that they will neglect to watch her and she will drown or get hit by a car.

They are very chaotic and fight constantly. They also have other children to look after. My LO is the eldest of the bunch.

If you want something to vote on:

YABU: she'll be fine. Even total idiots can keep a child safe

YANBU: it's tough sending your child off with horrible people

I want to tell you try not to worry but obviously that's not possible, is it?
How long are they going for?

@Petitchat they will be gone for one week

It’s so tough, I know exactly how you feel. My 2 (age 7 and 10) are going abroad next week with ex for over 2 weeks and I’m terrified. We’ve had incidents before on holidays and that was only in the UK.

In all likelihood everything will be absolutely fine, of course, but you’ll be worried sick and counting the hours until she’s home.

One week? I suppose it could be worse.
Are you able to keep in touch with her (them)?

It is tough for you but you never know, she could have a wonderful time and come home wanting to tell you all about it.

@Petitchat yes, we will have regularly scheduled video calls. My ex has a history of not keeping promises, though.

Such a shame you can't relax due to concerns. It would be nice if you could just enjoy the break and "me time".

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight OP.
Hopefully you will feel less worried after contact with her tomorrow (if ex keeps to his word)

@Petitchat thank you!

Her father isn't even giving me the name or address of the hotel. Surely this should be information that I can reasonably request?

Sending you a big hand hold. Potentially an unpopular opinion, but we have veered far too much away from the resident parent having any ‘rights’ in advocating for the welfare of their child. If the non resident parent is truly trying to co parent and put the child/children first then there would be no issue (of course there will be a minority who use the child/children as weapons) and vice versa. However if we are truly taking a child centred approach, the starting point should be, who knows the child best, who is aware of their capabilities/vulnerabilities through consistent contact and care. Who should be best placed to advocate for them? I have one child who is extremely vulnerable because of her inability to recognise danger. I know this because of my consistent care with her. I am tuned in to all of her needs. This understanding of her needs is only evident through consistent care, and would be the case if her other parent was living with her. Having a few nights a month overnight and no other parental responsibility does not qualify you to take a child abroad in my humble opinion. Despite my child’s age, she is not neurotypical or capable in the same way as another child of the same age. It’s a not a diagnosed condition but a nuance of her personality (at this stage, without a diagnosis). It does make her vulnerable and it is not something that would be understood or managed by a non resident parent that does not communicate or coparent. It makes situations like this extremely stressful and terrifying for the safety of your child. I strongly believe resident parents should have more rights in being able to advocate for their children. Sorry, OP, I know that doesn’t help you right now. I just wanted to say that I understand your worries and frustration. I don’t believe for a minute that it’s because you don’t want your child to have a good relationship with their father, or go on holiday, it’s because you are genuinely worried for their safety and welfare. It’s really shit, but try and get some counselling to help you cope with the whole situation/manage the time over the week. It shouldn’t be this way.

Just saw that, your other option is you refuse to give consent to let her go and get a Lawyer involved. I honestly think I would have at that young age, because I was genuinely worried about safety.

I strongly believe resident parents should have more rights in being able to advocate for their children

Totally agree with this.

OP, can't believe you don't know where she us !!
He sounds disgusting.
Do you even know which area or city she is in?

If you don't hear anything, try to get some legal advice

@ChloeR81 thank you. Hope that you and your children get through those 2 weeks ok!

@Theemeperorsnewclothes I totally agree that the system is messed up and favours fathers' rights to the detriment of children. I find it bizarre that it's controversial that the protective, closer parent should have more decision-making power when it comes to a tiny and vulnerable life.

@Petitchat he may tell me in the end. It's possible/ likely that he's enjoying messing me about. I do know the general region at least, yes!

Omg, some of the ex's we hear about on mumsnet. I wonder why they even bother to have children?

Sorry you have this worry OP. Must be awful. Wouldn't be so bad if the stepmom was a good 'un that you could rely on.

I hope DD will be ok.

I completely agree with you and emphasise and sympathise. The patriarchy is strong in this country and is evident in the media, political systems, and the CMS. It’s also widely supported by other women. It’s utterly shameful that innocent little children are not protected in this disgraceful system. It shouldn’t be this difficult. Put the CHILD at the centre.

*empathise

I know it must be difficult, but try to keep positive OP.
I'm sure everything will be fine and DD will have a lovely time.
Try to get some sleep if you can.

@Petitchat do you have children? Are you a single parent? Have you ever been in this position? That was a lovely message, and I know from that message you are trying to be supportive and kind. The thought of someone taking your child abroad (who really doesn’t know them that well) is utterly terrifying. The argument of… but it’s their dad, is absolutely fair enough, if they are fully coparenting. This nonsense of an NRP having exactly the same rights as a RP is something that needs to be addressed, for the sake of, and the welfare of ALL children.

Don't assume that just because someone is posting kind messages means they don't have children or fully understand.

My aim was to try and help OP relax for tonight then tackle the issues that may arise tomorrow (today)

And yes, I have been in this position. In fact worse, because I didn't see my son for a whole year when he was nine years old.

He is now adult and I have never got over it, still receiving therapy.

OP, did you manage to sleep and what time are you expecting video call or don't you know?

Handhold, OP.

OP, if you are still reading this thread, my ex and I do not give each other consent for overseas travel unless we know outward and return flight details and the address where the children are staying. It's possible he could make it up if he's a complete arse of course. The other option, which I've never done and some would consider too much, is to pop an AirTag in a pocket in her luggage. Mine are older and have mobiles so I can see where they are if I need to.
Hope the week goes by quickly.

Thanks OP, hope everything goes ok today. Handhold

Are they abusive to your daughter?