To ask for a handhold? Child going on hols with abusive ex

[libertybonds]

My little 7 year old daughter is going on holiday with her abusive dad and nutty (also abusive) stepmum tomorrow, to a place with sand and sun.

She wanted to go, but has also been super clingy and anxious today, as well as quite mean and shouty towards me.

I'm terrified that they will neglect to watch her and she will drown or get hit by a car.

They are very chaotic and fight constantly. They also have other children to look after. My LO is the eldest of the bunch.

If you want something to vote on:

YABU: she'll be fine. Even total idiots can keep a child safe

YANBU: it's tough sending your child off with horrible people

Yanbu. I will.be thinking of you. I have been through this. I have no idea why the voices of women and children aren't being listened to.

My children voted with their feet once they were old enough and don't really see their dad any more. I feel so sad I couldn't protect them from him.

libertybonds , I'm afraid I wouldn't let her go without information on her whereabouts.

For a little bit of piece of mind on whereabouts why don’t you get an AirTag and tell her to try and take a little backpack with her when she’s out, you could sew it into the back or something

This sounds so stressful I can’t even imagine

@Petitchat I did manage to sleep some, but it was quite restive. Thanks 😊

She doesn't leave until later, and I have now been given address details.

I have gotten her a phone and we spent time yesterday and today practising with it. Things look a bit less bleak today.

And yes, I have been in this position. In fact worse, because I didn't see my son for a whole year when he was nine years old. This is horrific. Well done for getting through this - just awful.

Yes. I recently found out how little anyone cares about child abuse. Because there wasn't 100% proof and it was just my daughter's word (which everyone views as my word, because my ex claimed parental alienation), it's all been brushed under the rug.

The wife has been doing things that are obviously emotionally abusive including in front of me, but I have been made to understand that this doesn't matter. If I don't positively encourage the relationship, I will be viewed as the problem.

Hope you're ok OP.

Here's a handhold
Keep hour chin up lass

That's good you have an address, OP. And that you'll be able to call each other.

Why the hell did you agree to this in the first place?

@JellyWellyBoots I did not really have a choice. After abusing my child, he put me in the more vulnerable position by saying that I have alienated her from him and this is why she said these things. As she is very small, no one believes her. It is viewed as my word against his. As there is no proof other than 'my' word, legally it is as if the abuse did not happen and that the real offense has been my effort to ruin their relationship

@Petitchat I apologise. I hope things are better now x

Really sorry to hear this. It’s a common problem. The inability to advocate for the child you know best because you don’t have the ‘rights’ to properly advocate for them, in the current legal structure in the UK. Every piece of legislation around the child, is supposed to put the child at the centre. From experience, this is almost never the case. It is about protecting parental rights. In my humble opinion, parental rights should be assessed on who is actually ‘parenting’. I don’t mean to give non resident parents/fathers less rights if they just happen to have the child less (in the majority of cases) but still are very active and supportive, and child centred. Where there is proof that the non resident parent takes very little to do with the day to day care, the logistics, the emotional and financial responsibilities of bringing up that child. They should not have the same rights and say over that child. That is putting the child at the centre and ultimately keeping them safe. I feel for you.

Thank you.

He picks and chooses what he does for her care, always has. I ended up packing everything for her trip, and he obviously criticised what I had done.

He also literally collected her on the way to the airport, after pushing off the day to collect her because it was inconvenient for him to have his child around. What am I but a babysitting service for him. Of course I cannot appear to be annoyed because this would demonstrate what a bad alienator I am. (And also of course, I was more than happy to have her longer to minimise her time with them because they treat her badly).

It's also like the system really, really wants me to be abused by him still, even though I escaped several years ago.

@libertybonds I'm sorry but you absolutely do have a choice. You've let your child go away with 2 people who you know in the past have been abusive towards her.

I'm speaking from experience, for years I felt I didn't have a choice, he doesn't give a shit about your DD, please for the love of god get in contact with womens aid, if not for your sake for your child at least.

He still has his claws dug so deep into you, I pray you find the strength to say no to that horrible waste of oxygen, & get him out of your lives so you can start living. Your DD needs a happy healthy mummy, not one who's afraid & depressed.

Yes it is, you must have it and your daughter must feel free to contact you whenever she wants to. She is only seven.

I am glad it is only a week, hopefully all will be calm for that short period of time. However, if at any stage your girl becomes stressed about going and doesn't want to, get her out of it.

Good luck.

@JellyWellyBoots I have spent tens of thousands of pounds in legal fees over the past couple of months and I think I have a clear picture of the options available to me.

The clear, resounding message from Child Services, my expensive and experienced solicitors, and a very well-trained mediator is that I have to do all I can to facilitate contact or I am vulnerable to parental alienation charges. No. One. Believes. My. Daughter. We would have to go a a useless and expensive fact finding hearing as the next step (to create a factual record that it happened) but there's no clear evidence either way, so this could easily fail. My ex WILL bring the full force of the law against me.

Ex structured this holiday in such a way that I couldn't say no. It also happens to be the safest option IMO because at least she isn't being left alone with her father as may be likely with different summer holiday scenarios.

Ex and his wife also convinced my daughter that she won't be part of their family if she doesn't go on this holiday, so she didn't want to miss it. I had no real choice.

We just had a video chat and she seemed unhappy. She was crying about missing me. But she also ended the call early. Not sure what to make of it.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

Can you call her back?

Longer term, I wonder if this organisation may be able to offer advice/support:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

@libertybonds Jesus fucking Christ.

Do you mind me asking; are you in the UK? I thought domestic abuse and child abuse were meant to be taken incredibly seriously, I don't understand any of it. Why aren't they supporting you? Why are they forcing you to allow contact between an abuser and your child?

Can you record him or save any messages? Literally anything to back you up.

@JellyWellyBoots I am in the UK. Recording others is frowned upon by the family courts and Social Services.

I have also been very surprised. Maybe this is why things like Baby Arthur happen?

Sending you love and strength along with the handhold. It shouldn’t be this way.

That's horrible OP. I hope she'll be alright, that's the last thing you need.
Is he humane enough that you could ask him if she's ok?

As for the family court and SS, I know what you mean.
We didn't know this sort of thing went on until it happened to us.

Have you got anyone for support at this time, friends or family?
Hope you're ok x