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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why is he nice to others but not me.

71 replies

PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 21:27

I don’t understand why my partner is so vile to me.
He calls me names, swears at me, just today I’ve been told to shut the fuck up about 14 times. He calls me a dickhead, a rat, a bitch.

Yet he’s nice to people. Nice to people that have been horrible to me. I could be stabbed to death in front of him and he’d still blame me. He blames me for everything
We have just got back from a day out, I thought it was a nice time, but because he got caught in traffic and my phone had no signal he’s told me I’ve ruined the day, I spoil everything and I make every day of his life a misery. I don’t understand what I’ve done.

OP posts:
Whitesapphire · 20/07/2024 21:49

You make every day of his life a misery yet he’s still with you? Tell him to get some self respect and leave. Or you can get some self respect and leave.

Rosesanddaffs · 20/07/2024 21:56

@PineappleSand please leave him, he sounds like an absolute arsehole and clearly gets his kicks by being mean to you

You are not the issue, he is xx

Cobswaffle · 20/07/2024 22:13

Street angel home devil isn’t he. These men are always the same. It’ll make you feel insane and the reason he does it it because if you decide to leave , it’ll be extra difficult because everyone will tell you how nice he is. But if he decides to leave he will tell everyone it’s all your fault, and you’ll be isolated.
But don’t worry because none of it is true.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) there are enough wonderful women in the world who’ve encountered this exact situation that they’ll scoop you up to support you when you find the strength to say you’ve had enough. and trust me, you’ll be believed.
oh and it’ll be quite the revelation to live a peaceful life free from abuse , and you’ll discover you’re actually amazing. AND you might be surprised when you learn others find you amazing too! After so much abuse it’ll be hard to believe at first but trust me, people will fall at your feet because you’ve had the strength to respect your own boundaries and see the truth when everyone around him has the wool pulled over their eyes.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 20/07/2024 22:15

Leave him. Your self worth will improve massively.

GingerPirate · 20/07/2024 22:17

Nasty little piece of 💩
"Partner" 😡

XChrome · 20/07/2024 22:26

This is what domestic abusers do, OP. They know they can't go around abusing everyone, because then they will lose jobs, friends etcetera.
So they just abuse their spouses and children.
Please get rid of this abusive POS.

XChrome · 20/07/2024 22:30

PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 21:30

We’ve been together 7 years. I don’t have anyone else. My self worth is in the toilet. He’s managed to convince me I’m everything that’s wrong in the world and more.

Then you have to unconvince yourself. You know he's full of shit, right?
Start getting your ducks in a row to be able to leave. He will not change for the better, he will only get worse.

peepsypops · 20/07/2024 22:34

You feel like you do because he is an abuser and the purpose of his actions is to drive your confidence and self-worth down.
If you have any friends and family to confide in please do, and you can make a way out of this.
Please note that not telling people about his behaviour is really a pathway to self-destruction. If you want a better life for yourself, you need to face the horrible notion of outing him for what he is. I have been there OP so I know. I would have saved myself two years had I been honest but I knew if I said it out loud there was no way back. I did eventually, and I'm now happily married to someone who respects and values me and would never speak to me like that. There is life after this!

loobylou10 · 20/07/2024 22:42

StopGo · 20/07/2024 21:29

Because you let him. Up your standards. I

This

dutysuite · 20/07/2024 22:45

PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 21:27

I don’t understand why my partner is so vile to me.
He calls me names, swears at me, just today I’ve been told to shut the fuck up about 14 times. He calls me a dickhead, a rat, a bitch.

Yet he’s nice to people. Nice to people that have been horrible to me. I could be stabbed to death in front of him and he’d still blame me. He blames me for everything
We have just got back from a day out, I thought it was a nice time, but because he got caught in traffic and my phone had no signal he’s told me I’ve ruined the day, I spoil everything and I make every day of his life a misery. I don’t understand what I’ve done.

What would you say to a friend or relative who was going through this?

loobylou10 · 20/07/2024 22:46

Sorry op that came across as dismissive and harsh and I didn't mean it to. He's a cunt and an abuser and you don't have to put up with it. Make plans to leave - PLEASE

diktat · 20/07/2024 22:48

YABU to stay with him, he’s an abusive arsehole.

starsinthegutter · 20/07/2024 22:49

Leave him. Start planning it now.

DecafDodger · 20/07/2024 22:51

Because he doesn't like you. And being nasty to you doesn't have any negative consequences.

Moonshiners · 20/07/2024 22:52

It is much better to be on your own than with this abusive cruel man.
Just be careful as he will either get worse when he realised you will leave or start being alright to win you back for a little bit.
I hope you find the strength soon.

Cobswaffle · 20/07/2024 22:53

FWIW I don’t think it’s ‘because you let him’ .The reasons women stay with abusive men are abusive and complex. It’s very common for a woman to feel she has nobody when she wants to leave, precisely because life with an abuser is a diminishing existence.
You can go into the relationship with everything in the world, high self esteem , a huge family , a great career, glorious friends and the abuse eats it all over the years until you have no access to money, no friends , etc etc. It’s nearly impossible to retain these things when you’re being abused , because you’re in permanent firefighting/ crisis mode.
The good news is it can all be rebuilt , and built back better.

Mrsgreen100 · 20/07/2024 22:55

Sounds like you have a narcissist, in tow
do some research,
I put up with one for 26 years
so wish I’d seen the light earlier
it’s not you … it’s him
get rid and rebuild your self esteem
takes time but you will be so pleased to be free
read covert narcissist by Debbie Mizana
good luck
get free

Agapornis · 20/07/2024 22:56

He's isolated you from everyone, right? You might think you have no one now, but I bet the people you knew before him will be very happy to hear from you.

Original poster
PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 22:58

Idk whether he’s isolated me or whether I’ve done it to myself. He thinks I have autism. I don’t have any friends and I don’t actually know how to socialise with people. I speak to my parents but that’s it. I work but from home so that doesn’t really require much interaction anyway. I’m not sure how to approach leaving or even telling anyone. I don’t know what I’d even say. All this feels normal, like I’m coasting through.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 20/07/2024 22:58

My self worth is in the toilet. He’s managed to convince me I’m everything that’s wrong in the world and more.

If you parted company your life would be so much better.
He is the reason you have no self worth.

He is a nasty, manipulative, abusive bully. Surely, it is far better to be on your own than to live this kind of life?

Keep posting on here. You will get loads of support.

Abigaillovesholidays · 20/07/2024 22:59

Right now you might that think you are the problem or that you can change him.
But it is him who is the problem and absolutely nothing you can do will change him.
It will only get worse if you stay.
Dig deep, use whatever strength you have left and get out. The future you will be thankful you did.

Original poster
PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 22:59

I used to have friends and acquaintances. But I don’t even know how I’d make friends. Do you ever actually feel like the old you again? How do you talk to people in person without worrying you’re annoying, that people dislike you etc.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 20/07/2024 23:02

Reading your post all I could think is why are you staying with someone who speaks to you like that 😢 you need to leave him, he is an arsehole. You are better off alone than with an abusive partner. Please don't put up with this for even one more day - you owe it to yourself to get away and have a happier life. No one deserves to be treated like this. If a friend told you her partner behaved like yours, wouldn't you tell her to leave?

Saintmariesleuth · 20/07/2024 23:02

I'm not surprised you have no confidence living with that idiot. He sounds awful.

Please look at how you can safely leave- can your parents help you? Could you stay there?

I'm not sure after a big trauma we ever 'go back' to how we were, but we can rebuild and become happier in our own skin.

I agree with the posters recommending women's aid for some help and advice.

peepsypops · 20/07/2024 23:02

PineappleSand · 20/07/2024 22:58

Idk whether he’s isolated me or whether I’ve done it to myself. He thinks I have autism. I don’t have any friends and I don’t actually know how to socialise with people. I speak to my parents but that’s it. I work but from home so that doesn’t really require much interaction anyway. I’m not sure how to approach leaving or even telling anyone. I don’t know what I’d even say. All this feels normal, like I’m coasting through.

Would you be able to move home to your parents if need be?