made an absolute fool of myself trying to stay friends with an ex

[youwerealwaysonmymind12345]

I just want to die of embarrassment.
He ended it, to be fair it was only 3 months. Said he really wanted to be friends as we got on so well and so much in common, I said I might need a bit of time/space first. Then I thought I would be happy to have him in my life as a friend.

Eventually I started talking to him again. I know people say empty platitudes like this after a break up but it seemed like he genuinely meant it.

However it was all on his terms. He would reply to me, but never started the conversation first. So I stopped talking as much. Then started forgetting to reply to certain messages.

Never made time for me. Tried to invite him to a group outing, he said he'd come but then never came as he'd made plans with another friend.

Would never initiate a meetup.
Then I tried to talk to him and he insisted he did want to be friends, didn't mean to ignore me etc.

We caught up once and it was great, never mentioned the relationship etc.
He's not seeing anyone else.

Then he ghosted me, just stopped replying. Saw him out one time and he acted friendly. Sent one more texting thinking we were on good terms, ghosted.

I feel so desperate and pathetic. I don't know why he tried to insist he really wanted to be friends, I guess he didn't mean it. I should've politely declined or just ignored.

Like I said, I wasn't messaging all the time. He said he still wanted us to hang out too. But call me needy, that's fine.

Let’s be friends softens the blow, that’s ahy he was so adamant, really you should have let him reach out. I’m sorry this happened,just dust yourself off op.

I won't likely hear from him again now and I've no intention of reaching out further so that's the main thing. Of course if I see him I'll be friendly but that's all.

I'm kinda ready for a new start anyway, meet new people.

It might be that he at the time felt that being friends was what he wanted but has since realised that the three month relationship has changed what you had and you might not be able to get back to that. He might also feel guilty for breaking up with you and he might be worried that seeming keen to be friends now might get your hopes up that something more will happen.

i really don’t think you have done anything wrong, you have worked with the information he has given you, but I think something has made him change his mind. Maybe he’s met someone else too and he thinks you’d be hurt by that.

Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

You have no reason to be embarrassed, he was obviously not being straightforward with you. Maybe saying let's stay friends was his way of trying to let you down gently when he ended the relationship? Either way, he has given you mixed messages and left you feeling upset and hurt. My advice would be to block his number and move on. You don't need 'friends' like him in your life.

His loss. Upwards and onwards.

I have ADHD and sometimes struggle with emotional regulation. Not saying it's an excuse but sometimes I maybe take things more to heart or more literally that others don't, I feel a bit like a freak and wish I didn't. Might look into therapy for it, I already take anti depressants.

Do you have women friends OP? Because ime it's invariably easier to focus on those friendships in terms of emotional investment. That's not to say don't enjoy the company of men, but it can be better not to get too invested. Especially when the lines are already blurry because they are an ex, or possibly someone who wants more or you maybe you want more. A good set of women friends can also help you get perspective and be a sense check on these sorts of situations with men.

Yes I do, luckily I have some good female friends and no major issues in these relationships.

Being blunt, a lot of men pretend that they want friendship, but they are hoping for sex, some might want a relationship. You were together for a short time. As said he meant that you stay friendly enough to be in each other's company, if necessary. He might have been hoping for the odd booty call. You haven't made a fool of yourself, you've mistaken him for someone decent. He's another one who can't be honest and needs to game play.

OP he sounds like my ex. He kept all his 'short term' exes as 'friends' on social media and it really was just a case of needing a supply to go back to when he needed attention or a shag basically. You are far better off away from him and you do deserve better. I also have adhd and the emotional distress from being treated like this hits so hard. Go easy on yourself x

I think he might just have mean't that he hoped you were on good terms. Even if he did sincerely mean it at the time he hasn't followed through so forget it.

When you, or he meets a new partner it's more straight forward not to be friends with an ex. Look forward not back.

I think it's one of those where I was supposed to read between the lines but took it at face value. But onwards and upwards, lesson learned.

How rude.

cringe for yourself

@youwerealwaysonmymind12345

great song. Can't get it out of my mind now though!

I wish more people were as straight forward as people who have ADHD, life would be much simpler!!

who knows what he really meant or what his motivation was, but he's not worth any more of your time.

just make the most of your fresh start!!

You thought he was sincere. He wasn't. He was insincere or, to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he had good intentions but is a bit flaky.

Either way, you were true to yourself. You gave a considered, sincere, truthful reply to him and followed through. That is not something to be embarrassed about at all. It takes courage to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Stay true to yourself and just mark this one up to experience. Much better to know than always be wondering.

The right person will value your honesty and straightforwardness. They are great qualities.

The fact you harangued him about not being friendly enough. I don't do that with my friends. As others have said, friends can still be friends even if they don't see or speak to each other often.

Don't feel embarrassed at all. I have known people do exactly this. Here are my theories..

Staying friends means they don't feel bad about breaking it off. They make you feel valued (and maybe they do value you, and you have so much value regardless of whether they see it) but they just don't want a relationship.

It also makes you think you have a great connection, so any time they feel lonely or find themselves needing attention, they have a security blanket to go back to. When they don't need one, they ghost!

I would also have taken them wanting to stay friends at face value. Especially with someone being insistent. But then it's in their interest to keep you warm, as if you think there's no connection anymore, you're more likely to go and meet someone else. And then you won't be an option for them should they need one.

Classic action of someone who can't be alone and needs people on standby to stroke their ego when they need it.

Don't feel bad about this at all because this is someone who's actions and words don't align and you've had a lucky escape! If they come back with some reason as to why they've not been in touch, from experience I'd strongly recommend not dignifying it with a reply!

Either way, this really isn't you! And in time, you won't care. You'll see them for what they are and you'll laugh. I could be wrong but sounds to me like someone very disingenuous!