made an absolute fool of myself trying to stay friends with an ex

[youwerealwaysonmymind12345]

I just want to die of embarrassment.
He ended it, to be fair it was only 3 months. Said he really wanted to be friends as we got on so well and so much in common, I said I might need a bit of time/space first. Then I thought I would be happy to have him in my life as a friend.

Eventually I started talking to him again. I know people say empty platitudes like this after a break up but it seemed like he genuinely meant it.

However it was all on his terms. He would reply to me, but never started the conversation first. So I stopped talking as much. Then started forgetting to reply to certain messages.

Never made time for me. Tried to invite him to a group outing, he said he'd come but then never came as he'd made plans with another friend.

Would never initiate a meetup.
Then I tried to talk to him and he insisted he did want to be friends, didn't mean to ignore me etc.

We caught up once and it was great, never mentioned the relationship etc.
He's not seeing anyone else.

Then he ghosted me, just stopped replying. Saw him out one time and he acted friendly. Sent one more texting thinking we were on good terms, ghosted.

I feel so desperate and pathetic. I don't know why he tried to insist he really wanted to be friends, I guess he didn't mean it. I should've politely declined or just ignored.

I for some reason hung on, believing that we had this great connection and we could be good friends.

I keep beating myself up for being so desperate. I never asked him for another chance, I treated him like a friend.

I know I'll get told 'He owes you nothing ' and similar.

You meant what you said, he was just saying the ‘right’ thing. Maybe he meant it at the time but lost interest.

Don't feel bad or embarrassed! Just shrug and move on. You’ve done nothing wrong at all.

He knows you will chase him so try to stop and if you see him just say hello and walk on
If he interested he will wonder why your doing this, but to be honest I don't think he is anymore ( sorry).
Maybe best to get out there again and meet new people.

I’m sorry you are going through this but remember, people only treat us as badly as we let them.

He has shown you that he doesn’t want to stay friends with you, so you need to believe his actions and not his words.

I feel so sick with embarrassment. I'm someone who means what I say and says what I mean but many people aren't sadly.

Now I'm gonna get told I'm 'harassing him' and to leave him alone, I imagine.
Harassing would be sending constant messages, asking why he ended it, asking for a second chance all the time etc.

I tried to treat him like a friend, but he doesn't want to know me in any capacity and would rather I just fuck off.

Oh gosh I was expecting a totally different story!

You’ve been utterly cool. He said he wanted to be friends, so you were friendly. Not clingy - when he didn’t reciprocate, you tailed it off too. You made a few friendly genuine overtures - inviting him to a couple of things. You saw him and were pleasant. That’s it.

When looks back at your texts, all he’ll see is a friendly and pleasant tone, which gives the message - I’m secure, I’m being nice because it doesn’t actually bother me all that much, I can afford to give you some time and make some effort… but if you aren’t bothered, I’ll move on. The opposite of ghosting, which says - this bothers me, there’s something I can’t handle here, I’m flouncing or being a drama Queen.

You should be the opposite of embarrassed. You’ve been cool and laid back.

I said to him that I got the impression he didn't really want this and that I hardly heard from him (big mistake!!) and he was insisting no I do I just keep forgetting to reply etc and I'm losing track of time these days (omg, why didn't i see things for what they were!!)

He's leaving you on the hook....expect a booty call when he is bored. It's likely he's interested in someone else which is why he's ghosted you.

Don't feel embarrassed at all!! He doesn't deserve you. But please block and ignore any bollocks cause he WILL try to suck you in later if he's feeling like an ego boost

I know this sounds naive but how can people do this to others?

Let’s be friends is usually code for , I don’t want to cut you off completely in case I end up needing a booty call …..

occasionally it’s just someone saying what they think you want to hear … either way , delete and block . Youve done nothing wrong x

He's found somebody else. Just block him now and move on x.

You don't need to feel mortified op.
Just move on. You're fine.

Cause people are selfish pricks.

He hasn't got your standards and you're clearly incompatible. That's fine. But don't think about why is he like that cause you'll never get closure

What… let’s be friends is a platitude. It simply means he didn’t want to be with you any more. People rarely mean let’s actually be friends. He’s ghosting you because he’s not interested. It’s no deeper than that.

I’m sorry. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s rubbish when you like him and it doesn’t work out. Chin up, onwards.

I think your reaction to this is a bit extreme. You dated someone for a few weeks, it didn’t work out and it also didn’t work out as a friendship. I think the usual reaction to this would be ‘Oh well - that’s a shame’ rather than ‘feeling sick’ and talking about him wanting you to fuck off. I guess I’m just wondering why your reaction is so intense. You’d only known him three months - why did the possibility of his friendship mean so much to you?

There are all sorts of things he might have meant by “I want to stay friends”. Being friends means different things to different people. To you perhaps it means regularly staying in touch, meeting up etc. maybe to him it means “We’re not compatible, but you’re a nice person and I wish you well and don’t want to be on bad terms with you” or “I’ll keep you on my social media and like your posts occasionally” or just “I hope we can end this amicably because I’d hate it to be one of those situations where people have to blank each other in the street” or whatever. For what it’s worth, I have plenty of people I’d consider friends that I maybe speak to twice a year at most. I think you just had different expectations to his and it really isn’t the massive deal that you’ve built it up into.

Easily! There are a lot of very selfish, silly, self-absorbed people out there.

You absolutely have NOT played this wrong. You’ve basically been friendly.

However what I’d do now - definitely don’t get sucked in to making him feel better about himself, yet again. If he messages you again- leave it a good few days. Then send a ‘friendly’ message along the lines of -

‘Ah hi X. Hope all’s ok with you. Hope this doesn’t come across badly but I’m not sure it’s doing you much good to keep starting these conversations back up when it clearly doesn’t really work for you? Feel free however to just come along for a night out if you need some cheering up! Regards. ‘

That will piss him off 🤣

or just totally ignore him.

Right maybe I am overreacting.

But like I said people say the generic 'lets stay friends ' and I would've taken that with a pinch of salt.
But he was being really insistent and saying he doesn't want to lose me as a friend because we get on so well etc etc.

I shouldn't have taken it seriously.

To be charitable to him, he possibly has a different idea of 'friends' than you do. To him it probably means someone you're on good terms with, who you'll chat to if you bump into them and maybe meet up or message now and again. To you, it means regular messaging, doing things together and your invitations being prioritised.
In all honesty, I don't think friends of either type is right for you as you seem more invested than most people would be with a mate. Analysing message instigation and frequency, taking it hard when he chooses something else over your group event, worrying about seeming 'desperate' are not features of typical platonic friendships so it's best if you let this one go.

I have different levels of friends, yes.
I didn't say he has to prioritise every invite, it was just that he would never initiate anything.
Prior to the 3 months of dating, I was friends with him and we did do these things regularly.
However if this happens again in the future I will be sure to leave it to them. If they want to be friends they'll reach out, otherwise I'll see them as a causal acquaintance.

You sound nice, OP. But you also seem a little…intense. That can be off putting.

Genuinely, can you explain how?

I wasn't messaging him daily or anything.

I feel embarrassed about being ghosted, because who exactly enjoys that?

I don't think that's quite right either. You don't have to sit around passively letting a man decide whether to be friends with you or not. Its something that's mutual. So no harm at all in reaching out to people, and nothing to be embarrassed by. In this case you wanted different things is all, you've recognised that and backed off. For what it's worth I think its difficult to be friends with an ex until quite a long time has passed at least.

Aww man OP, i feel cringe for you. Tbh you sound like a very needy friend! He probably did mean let's stay friends as in let's keep things civil and be friendly if we bump into each other or happen to be in the same company, not let's be besties messaging each other all the time and meeting up

I get it OP. It's horrible when people aren't honest. Don't feel an idiot. He's clearly a bloody liar and you're better off without him.