Am/Was I doing too much for my Stepchildren?

[StrugglingSM28]

Hi everyone

I’ve been with my SO for just over 2 years. He has 2 children aged 5 and 10 and they visit EOW. I do not have any children of my own.

Admittedly, our relationship moved pretty quickly and we began living together after 6 months. Please please don’t attack me with “well you knew he had kids”. I totally underestimated it and I hold my hands up to that. But I love this man more than anything in the world.

In the early days I felt little pressure (other for them to like me). On the weekends they were with us I would spend some days with them and others out with friends/doing my own thing and the balance was nice. But as time moved on I began to feel more and more pressure to spend the entire time with them and I began to feel suffocated.

Plans (often with other family members) began to be made without asking me. It was just assumed I would come along unless I was out of town and if I said I was tired then I was met with resistance and told “but the kids will miss you/ they haven’t seen you yet” by my SO. His family would also question where I was.

I’d then make a conscious effort to pop out for some “me time” during their stay, only to be asked what time I will be back and “We can wait for you before we leave for x” etc. And I should add that this kind of behaviour doesn’t happen when we don’t have the children.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive. And one last thing to paint the picture… I’ve always taken a step back when it comes to the parenting/discipling side of things but SO has said he would expect me to be doing more of that by now…

Anyway, this was affecting me A LOT. I ignored the disciplining thing and a I started pulling back / “quietly quitting” in some areas as I didn’t feel appreciated and it’s helped my sanity a little but I still feel like a maid in my own home most of the time.

So I’m curious…

AIBU for just wanting/needing my own space at times when they are here? Or is this expected given we don’t have them full time?

Why don't he takes care of laundry, shopping and cooking?

I would insist on me-time.

They are there to spend time with their dad, not you. He needs to back off.

His children’s washing and food are his responsibility too. Looks to me like he’s installing you as auxiliary parent to make his life easy.

Another man who thinks his DP should do everything for his DC. Tell him he needs to do their washing and cook for them, his DC, his job.

as a step mother of two for the past 15 years I empathise with the range of emotions you are feeling. It is not easy and actually can get harder as the children get older. Being a stepmom is also incredibly rewarding but resentment can and may build if not addressed.

My advice is this… really ask yourself if you are in this for the long haul. The kids and your partner come as a deal. This is something you really have to reflect on. Having your own children with step children around also brings with it another whole set of emotions as post-partum hormones kick in.

If you do decide you are fully committed, then you need to talk to your partner about your feelings. It sounds like he is wanting to create a more nuclear family and is actively encouraging your involvement which is great .you also sound a good step mum and very thoughtful about the needs of your stepchildren. Resentment though is not good in these situations.

If you feel you are not ready for the commitment of children, maybe he is not the man for you, or you need to step your relationship back a bit.

being a maid in your own home is how most of us mums feel. As you haven’t yet got your own children, you are instead expeeriencing this early when your step children visit.

ultimately only you can decide if this is what you want! Good luck x

…. Just to add that your husband should absolutely be stepping up as the primary caregiver when the children stay!

@Squidlydoo I really appreciate your response so thank you. During your early years as a stepmum did you need to get away (sounds awful) from time to time and just take time for yourself? Did you ever feel guilty/ were made to feel guilty for doing so?

Yanbu but I’ve read my fair share of stories on here over the years and a lot of men expect the new partner to take over from where their ex wife left off. I think that the two of you have very different images of what a blended family looks like - he wants you to pretend that you’re ex wife parent wise and already has you doing stuff that he should be doing like cooking, cleaning and shopping for the kids.

I still do have some away time (hours rather than days) when they come to visit. I go and watch tv in another room or go out for a bit to allow them to spend some one on one or alone time with their dad. That is so important.

having said that, I did embrace the step mum role fully pretty much straight away and I love my step children as much as I love my husband. Not saying it’s always been easy (they are now older teens) but ultimately it is a decision I made and embraced from an early point

I will add though my husband is incredibly domesticated so I have never felt housework resentment as he always steps up whether the stepkids are visiting or not!

I suspect you need to decide is the issue your role as step mum (the relationship with the children and the commitment this brings) or the expectations of your partner to carry most of the burden?

sadly if you are not committed to the children, it will only get harder with time.

At least let him know you’ll only be doing your own washing from here on.

A man who moves you in with his children after only a few months and has already stepped back and let you take over the shopping, cooking and washing for them is not a good partner or father.

How did this happen? How did he just stop doing all the things he'd obviously been fine doing before you came on the scene, and how did you just take up all that extra work for HIS kids without discussion or complaint?

I think he's asking way to much of you. When I was a child I wouldn't have expected my Dad's partner to do all that for me, or even be around. I was there to see my Dad. They have a Mother so they aren't missing out on one. No way should you be doing all the wife work for them. It's his job. Do what you want at the weekend. I would say aim to be a benevolent figure in their life who they see sometimes. Also no to the discipline. When I was a kid it was definitely NOT the partners job to discipline. I think you need word s with your SO.

YANBU.

Even mothers get time away from their kids and not always expected to be accompanying their husbands with the children when they visit the in-laws.

On the discipline front, you are actually doing right because it isn’t just his decision but his ex as well and it should be an agreement between them both what you can and can’t do.

I think you need to talk to both him and the ex and see what kind of relationship they want you to have with their kids before you choose to settle down with him so you know what is expected of you and can decide if this is what you really want.

seriously? If your relationship means you feel like a maid in your own home, then address that with your partner. The op does not have to. ‘Dh, mums get time out too. If you want us to be more of a nuclear family we will need to be the type where the dad is at least an equal partner. You Start doing the food prep shopping and cleaning for your kids and maybe then I’ll be happier to be roped into everything, when you’re pulling your weight rather than expecting me to for your children.

This. I think it's great that you spend time with his children, you are also a family unit. But it doesn't make sense that you're doing all the housework for them, your DH sounds like a bit of a pig tbh.

Why have you made yourself the maid and cleaner and cook and housekeeper?!

It reads like he wants a replacement mum for when he has them. You shouldn't be doing their washing shopping etc. nor should you have to come along to outings. I'd be concerned by how quickly you have been nominated as a parent and with what sounds like no discussion to see if you are comfortable with it and some pressure to conform.

I wouldn't stay with this person because I would be concerned about their parenting (the fact that they have moved someone else in quickly to do the hard slog for them) and the fact that he pressures you to be a parent. I would predict this will only get worse especially if you chose to have kids yourselves.

Work on healthy boundaries for all of you and what you are willing/ want to to do in this role. It is nice he wants to involve you but sounds like you feel suffocated so set some ground rules eg, ‘I love to spend time with your children but I also need some time to myself, so I would like to spend one morning/ a few hours doing X while they are staying’. In terms of doing domestic tasks, this needs to be worked out between you. Just because you are à woman obviously doesn’t mean you should have to do his children’s washing etc… but you may decide between you, that he will do the cooking for example, and you don’t mind taking on the washing but this should not be an expectation.
Decide whether you do want to stay in this relationship and if so talk to your partner about how it will work going forwards. Remember as a partner, you have no legal recourse in the relationship and you are not legally the children’s stepmum. I am not sure if this makes a difference to you but it would a bit to me. This could be a highly positive situation and relationships for everyone but some ground rules need to be established.

Sorry but you’re going to have to have a very firm talk about boundaries with your DH, who sounds like he moved you in in record time because he wanted someone to take over his parenting and household responsibilities.

I’m not a stepmum, but I think you need to set up some ground rules for your partner so that there are clear expectations for when the kids visit. Saturday mornings, until lunchtime say, is your time every week, without question. This is time for your partner and his kids to hang out together, go do an activity whatever it is. Then you’re doing something that you want whether it’s going to bed, meeting friends, a swim whatever.

I also think you and DP need a chat about household jobs. Who does the cooking and cleaning when the kids are at their mums? Why have you taken on all of this work?

Out of interesting, when you moved in together, did you get a new place to move into? A previous poster suggested he has moved into your home.
If it's the latter it changes my thoughts on the situation.

It sounds like he is trying to take a step back from his responsibilities. By having you there all of the time, he is hoping that you will share the workload. This is unfair. They are his children and his responsibility. By any chance, was he shirking his duties when he was with their mother? He wants you to feel guilty whenever you have time to yourself. Set boundaries now OP or before you know it, you'll be looking after the children and he'll be off out doing his hobbies ie cycling!

I had a similar journey to you, but I didn’t move in properly for about 3 years, which helped. And kept my own place to retreat to….

I was doing a lot of the cooking , organising etc after I moved in. Frankly I should have done less as DH was happy to let me do whatever and it was all fairly thankless.

I stepped back again and that was fine, after a bit of adjustment, I never disciplined the kids, they had a perfectly competent set of parents to do that.

I still, 20 years in, step out of family stuff when it all gets too much….but I have a good relationship with the kids, dh’s ex, etc. so stepping back doesn’t mean that won’t happen. But I wasn’t going to be a nanny and a maid.

Is he looking for a replacement so he does exactly the same amount of parenting as when he was married….because it doesn't Work like that. He might need reminded of that. Also if that’s really the only kind of relationship he’s known….and you are used to datung….that’s a learning curve too.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive.

This is too much and is their father's responsibility and he is wrong to expect you to discipline his dc.

Why is he using you as his dcs’ maid? Stop doing the shopping/washing/cleaning for them, that’s his job, surely, especially given he’s a weekend dad.