Am/Was I doing too much for my Stepchildren?

[StrugglingSM28]

Hi everyone

I’ve been with my SO for just over 2 years. He has 2 children aged 5 and 10 and they visit EOW. I do not have any children of my own.

Admittedly, our relationship moved pretty quickly and we began living together after 6 months. Please please don’t attack me with “well you knew he had kids”. I totally underestimated it and I hold my hands up to that. But I love this man more than anything in the world.

In the early days I felt little pressure (other for them to like me). On the weekends they were with us I would spend some days with them and others out with friends/doing my own thing and the balance was nice. But as time moved on I began to feel more and more pressure to spend the entire time with them and I began to feel suffocated.

Plans (often with other family members) began to be made without asking me. It was just assumed I would come along unless I was out of town and if I said I was tired then I was met with resistance and told “but the kids will miss you/ they haven’t seen you yet” by my SO. His family would also question where I was.

I’d then make a conscious effort to pop out for some “me time” during their stay, only to be asked what time I will be back and “We can wait for you before we leave for x” etc. And I should add that this kind of behaviour doesn’t happen when we don’t have the children.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive. And one last thing to paint the picture… I’ve always taken a step back when it comes to the parenting/discipling side of things but SO has said he would expect me to be doing more of that by now…

Anyway, this was affecting me A LOT. I ignored the disciplining thing and a I started pulling back / “quietly quitting” in some areas as I didn’t feel appreciated and it’s helped my sanity a little but I still feel like a maid in my own home most of the time.

So I’m curious…

AIBU for just wanting/needing my own space at times when they are here? Or is this expected given we don’t have them full time?

Well yes and no. My DH kids were older, it one moved in full time about a year after we married.
Of course I cooked for them and got food in, as that's what I did for the family as a whole - I didn't distinguish between me and DH and step kids. Laundry I did but as I say they were older and they did start doing their own.
Basically you are their step mother with all the responsibilities that entails. Which means discipline too. And it's nice that everyone sees you as a family unit.
But sure you are entitled to 'you time'. Take one of the weekend days and go off and do whatever. But the kids are just there every other weekend - seems you do have plenty of 'you time' anyway.

But I love this man more than anything in the world.

Why?

Sounds like a lazy twat to me.

I still feel like a maid in my own home most of the time.

This is wrong. Have your told your bf this? He should be doing all the prep work and all the practical stuff for his kids. They're HIS responsibility, not yours.

And he should be listening to you when you tell him how you feel. If he doesn't, it doesn't bode well for the relationship.

And his relatives need to back off and stop interfering.

And did your bf move into your house?? That changes things too.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive.

^^ this is the bit you really shouldn’t be doing - esp the washing and additional shopping. Taking turns to make the meals is probably fine but not you doing most of it.

Why on earth would it be your job to do their washing?

Asking you to “step up” re the discipline is also concerning - it’s his job and if you do step in, I bet he then takes issue with it if you do it “wrong”.

Spending time together as a family I think is the least worst bit - but he should be consulting you re plans made with other people / general plans, not just assuming you’ll keep the whole weekend free for him. Nothing wrong with you also doing some things alone but I think spending time together is nice if done in the right way.

He wants someone else to do his jobs and take on his responsibilities. He sees his kids EOW and is trying to outsource them. He's a grown man and can cook, clean and look after his children. This is very unattractive and would give me the 🤢

Do you want to have kids? I imagine he was doing the same ahit with the kids mum.

What some people don’t seem to realise is that the kids need time on their own with their father. I know this from experience

It does very much sound like he is mainly interested in what you can do for him.

If "his" objective here is for you to lean in a bit with spending time as a family, then he should be prepared to take on the laundry, cooking, food planning & buying etc so you get some time out then and you have more left over for #familytime. Put it to him - see what he says.

Think of this not only in terms of you loving him but are you respected in your relationship, does he care about what you want out of life and put your wishes ahead of his own? The stepparenting adds masses of complication of course, but is never valid excuse for treating your partner like a servant. Focus on the relationship between you and your partner, not the relationship between you and the stepchildren.

Of course he moved in with you after 6 months. So many men do this- get a woman to move in quickly so they can do the parenting for them. Why on earth are you doing the washing, cooking and stuff? How do you it attractive for a man to expect you to do all this? At least it's a warning not to have kids with him yourself.

Well he's got a cushy support human situation hasn't he!