friend is very flaky, sick of it.

[weirdwasp]

Started to not reply to about 50% of messages so I stopped bothering.
Stopped initiating first anymore even though she used to.
She then apologised in person and suggested we have a coffee next week to catch up.
So a week later, I text her on WhatsApp asking what date is best, giving her a list of dates I can do.
She read it (has the blue ticks) and never replied, that was a fortnight ago.
She was the one who suggested it.
She's done this before, I did feel like she was trying to distance herself, which was fair enough if that's what she wanted, but then she'd come back.
I know the best thing is to just ignore.
The coffee incident made me feel stupid, I don't know why but I felt embarrassed she read it and didn't reply.

Exactly this.

Do those of you who are feeling mentally frail just leave messages from friends unread when you have initiated a meeting, or do you apologise and say that you don't feel up to it?

I dislike that the mental health card gets played every time someone is flakey or behaves inconsiderately.

Don't send her any more messages. Don't block, but take 2 big steps back.

If she ever gets back in touch, wants to meet for coffee etc, reply ..... "Sure, let me know where and when . ...." And leave it at that. Balls in her court and let her do the chasing, even though she probably won't, but it won't be you chasing her.

I have a friend like this. She has ADHD and no matter how much she intends to stay in touch she just cannot. Because she's an old friend I accept it and do about 75% of the work around staying in touch and I don't take it personally.

I had another friend similar who was newer and I admit that I just let that friendship slide because I didn't have the capacity to be the one keeping it afloat. I didn't take it personally or think badly of her but I also didn't try hard.

I had one other friend with whom I brought it up, asked if she was ok (she was and hadn't realised it was a problem) and I set out my boundaries, I said what I need from my friends and how I behave in return. She understood and made more effort

Yes i have a friend like this, I honestly think it's a very narcissistic trait. Basically she's not really interested in making any effort or being friends with you because you're not useful enough to her (the other friends she does have coffee with are higher value) - but if you're not making the effort with her then it feels like a rejection to her and narcissists can't stand rejection so she gets back in touch and says whatever it takes to get your attention (and supply from you) again. But because she's not really interested and has better offers it never actually comes to anything.

Thanks for all your replies.
It's like she saw I was a bit upset, offered the coffee out of guilt but actually had no intention of following it through.
At least now I know I can move on and focus on more genuine friends.

I have a friend like this. I tend to leave all arrangements to her now. If your friend suggested meeting up but didn't give dates I would leave it and just carry on with your life. The friendship may die but that is on her if she can't make a decision.

Bang on, OP.

Then you need to say I'd love to see you soon but I'm really busy at the moment so let me get back to you on dates. It's really not that hard not to be flaky. It boils my piss.

Is she not just really busy? She probably does want to see you or why would she have bothered? More likely she just can’t cope with everything. It’s not nice for you though so can see why you’d just leave it. I wouldn’t be embarrassed though. Blocking is a bit ridiculous.

When did 'overwhelm' become a noun?

I agree. It is inconsiderate not to say that you don't feel able to. It isn't difficult to message someone to say so.

This new lingo is all so irritating. ‘I was dysregulated’ etc.

I have a friend like this, we were very close for probably 8 years while the kids were in primary. As a SAHM I did all the organising for us; camping holidays together, cinema, Panto, etc - really close stuff. As the DC’s have got older there’s been some natural distancing but I also found myself being the only one to make contact and her only accepting invites if there was some thing to gain, at least that’s what it felt like. I took a big step back and now I’m much more in the rhythm of taking it in turns to make contact. It’s taken 2 years for me to feel comfortable and not feel taken advantage of. I think that’s the key, reduce your input and thoughts and see what’s returned.

Everyone has mental health issues. Everyone has things they find hard to deal with. OP herself has said she has mh problems - if you are friends with someone you don't treat them like shit because you are feeling overwhelmed. What about your friend? Think about them? Just send a message saying "sorry, I would absolutely love to see you but I'm out of sorts right now, I can't do social stuff. Please bear with, love you xx". It takes seconds.

Don't do a final message. Don't block.
Delete her number maybe, so you don't reach out / initiate again.
Just distance yourself and if she eventually does contact you, reply if you want or don't.
Don't make it dramatic everyone has their own stuff going on.

How long has the reducing contact been going on?

I'm in vaguely similar situation and feel like cutting her off completely but there's an element of arrogance about the constant flaking, arranging calls and meetings then cancelling, then if I'm annoyed she'll think because I need too much from her.

I really don't. Im very happy to have a very free range friendship.

Ive decided not to reply until she does then say something like 'i haven't got the time at the minute but hope all is well' and leave it there.

That way the door isn't shut if there's something going on (I don't expect there is, she's on the phone hours when she has a problem) but that way I've said a clear, not particularly over friendly 'no' for now.

Maybe something like that?

Lots of people are like this if their MH is poor or they are struggling themselves. The idea of plans sounds good but the reality of carrying them out is too hard. I know that people I’ve know who struggle tend to do a “head in the sand” and ignore and isolate because it seems easier than reaching out to friends and admitting they need help. I am generally a fan of personal boundaries but I always wonder in situations like this how many MH breakdowns and suicides could be avoided by people not ditching and blocking “flaky” friends but instead being a kind ear when required. I know it won’t apply to all and some people are just flaky and annoying and don’t treat people well, but I couldn’t take the risk if it was me, I’d keep checking in every so often.

The thing that annoys me is that she implied she has some sort of amnesia/memory problems.
I just don't think she has them with friends she actually wants to see.. and it's an insult to people who do have them.

I think you’re annoyed with her OP and that’s perfectly understandable.
you are allowed to pick who YOU want as your friend too! This doesn’t just apply to her.
her flakiness and rudeness is obviously not acceptable to you so go with that.
Spend your time thinking about other friends or whatever else is going on with your life, this one isn’t worth it if you’ve tried multiple times (I think I’ve understood that correctly). She will just think her behaviour is ok if you allow it to continue.

She's like a bloke who breadcrumbs

If you were a new friend or someone she really wanted to impress, she wouldn’t do this. It’s time to move on.

A friend is someone who you enjoy spending time with and who makes you feel good about yourself. This person doesn’t make you feel good, she makes you feel lousy.

Agree and that's why people have low tolerance and understanding for MH. She can't take a few seconds to respond? Treating friends like this is now ok because you know MH? Social battery low? 🙄

Exactly. I mean I totally understand OP being fed up of this, but I wondered if the friend was in a bad place too. I hate this trend of blocking people over the slightest infraction and I think blocking someone over something like this would be childish and pathetic tbh.

This. Don't waste time on flakers.