Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

I would have been gutted at the prospect of being away from my 1yo for 3 weeks. That's a long time in the life of such a young child.

Btw, babies aren't completely free on flights- their seat is free but you still have to pay taxes, which can add up.

I agree Op taking all annual leave in one go isn't really an option for someone with kids and husband. So that's something that would change anyway.

But I do think Op should take the opportunity to visit family and friends while she can.

I think your DH is BU. Why doesn’t he save his holiday time and the money from his flight so you could do something as a family here? And you go with DD while your family are offering to pay?
My home country and family are on the other side of the world from where we live, I take my kids back sometimes without my DH. I also sometimes take our kids to stay with his parents during the holidays while he’s working. But then he sees the benefit to our kids for doing those things and having a connection to wider family.

Your update is a bit different from your OP (appreciate you were trying to keep things vague so as not to be too identifying). It changes my view somewhat.

I think you should go because you won’t have this time again. You should treat this as a one off exceptional opportunity, and you should present it to DH as such. DH will manage for a week or two without DD, as long as you keep in touch regularly. I don’t see the fuss about missing “firsts”. If he works long hours there’s every chance he’s missing them on a regular basis. There’s nothing special about a “first” flight.

I think it’s fair that you pay for your own flights if you think it would be more of a hardship for your family to subsidise you.

From next year you should go with DH’s plan of alternate years and a different family holiday between visits.

But OP, what comes across is your loneliness and yearning for your family and life overseas. Is there any chance your own family could emigrate?

I think you should take advantage of your maternity leave and go for two weeks.

I’m sorry OP but no one would stop me from taking time out to visit my family. Your DH is being selfish, controlling and ridiculous. It’s best to set the expected behaviours now, you go see your family, you aren’t joined at the hip just because you are married, and it doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. You are perfectly entitled to see your family, put your foot down now.

I think if travelling to see your family is really expensive going there every two year is perfectly acceptable. The other year they will have to make ends meet and come to see you. It's only fair. Also, if you go now,with your child you will spend a lot more money than if you stayed at home or did a more affordable holiday - so léss apsavings to go and see your family next year! I understand it's your parents that moved away to the other side of the world, so it's their responsability to make sure you can be together. Bit cheap isn't it, moving far away and expecting your daughter to drop everything to come and see you?

Yes, I'm inclined to think the same really. It does seem a bit one sided and DH feels a little left out.
DHs idea of alternate holidays feels fairer to me.

Hi,

i think you need to take care of the new formed family first and in front of your previous one.
Don’t get me wrong, in my opinion, you are absolutely allowed to go there whenever you want if you can afford it but borrowing (even if not to be reimbursed it is still borrowing) money from your family doesn’t just impact you now so you actually have to take DH’s opinion on board. And especially when it would « separate » you so just for you and not for both. It is just NOT ok to act like this with a couple. Parents or else, couples need to be treated as a unit. Otherwise it brings toxicity within.

so yes go. By all mean. But if that means you can’t have any other holidays, what is your DH meant to do? What about next time…that causes a serious precedent.
Plus him being in holiday with his dd is far more important than your parents do, plus if it was reversed? Would you be inclined to have him gone with dd for 10days very far away but only him because his parents can’t afford for you too?

good luck op,
i hear pressure from your family and I hear a dh that tries his best to not come in between your parents and yourself relationship. Be mindful 🌺👏🏼

If you going on your own means you can’t afford a family holiday this year then YABU.

I have a parent who moved abroad. I would not consider spending our money on just me going on holiday to visit her without DH.

If we had plenty of money and we could afford other holidays then I would thinking about it more.

I'll go against the grain and say that you and your family are totally U, so you expect your DH to spend a small fortune and spend his holiday every year visiting your family. Has it not occurred to you that he may rather go somewhere else on holiday and not be with your family, they have emigrated and should make some effort if they want to see you, l think every other year is more than sufficient. If you are so desperate and they are paying for your flight go for a few days but let your DH choose the destination next year.

OP you are being perfectly reasonable. If my parents were abroad, I would most certainly be taking my child to see them for some family time whilst on maternity leave. Yes your dh will miss you, and you him, but time spent with family, extended family and friends is important too. All the pp saying that they moved so tough, have not understood that they moved abroad a long time ago, so going to see them has to be an extended visit. My son lives in America and when we go to see him we really just hang out. We may occasionally go to an Airbnb for a couple of days otherwise we are just at his place spending time together as a family. If I were you I would go and don’t feel guilty. These days you can FaceTime so he can see your child every day, and you say he works long hours, so he won’t really be missing much. When my son was born my husband used to leave before he woke up and get home after he’d gone to bed, so really only saw him at weekends. Go and chill with your family and have a lovely time.

If it doesn’t cause financial stress to your family then I really don’t see the issue with not travelling together. I own a property in another country, not long haul, and have three kids. My husband and I have done all sorts of combos travelling out there - no biggie. I’m not really clear why your husband is against it…

Because he doesn't want to be separated from his child. It's been said loads and is perfectly understandable

Oh for goodness sake, it’s three weeks

If you wouldn't care, cool. This man does and should be given more respect than to be ignored as the op only praises him. I wouldn't leave my child for 3 weeks or 1 week either

Absolutely no need to be rude, who reads all of the comments to know that it’s been said ‘loads?!

It’s not that understandable - the child will be their mother, visiting family. Surely he could cope on his own for a while. Why doesn’t he want to be separated from his child, who is perfectly safe - that’s might be the more important question.

That is not rude in the slightest. What a weird take. Its a fact, it has been said loads.

'Who reads all the comments to know what's going on'...er, people who want the full story before replying in case their reply sounds silly/make sure things they say make sense/they know what they are talking about before replying to give a few examples but you've just summed up why loads of replies don't make sense on online forums 😂

And lastly, because he loves her as much as her mother does and wants to be with her. If op isn't fine with him taking her away for the same amount of time (the op literally said this in case you haven't read that post either - not sarcastic, factual) then doing the same to him isn't fair either

I would allow this when DC are older, but I wouldn't not want to go 2 weeks with an under 2 year old the other side of the world from me.

So reading between the lines it's something like this: you and family moved to Australia when you were a teenager, you went to college and first jobs there, you moved back to the UK but sisters stayed there? Pre-DC you'd go over once a year. Now with DC it's expensive and you can't afford all of you go.

I think your options are:

• don't go.
• Go all of you, but treat it as visiting family, no tourist trips
• you go alone and leave DD

It's hard but DD won't be little forever. I couldn't have been away from my 1 year old for all that time and distance, DP couldn't have either. It won't last forever. When she's older you'll probably find it feels better to take her alone (although of course you'll have to pay for her too). It's horrible but it's just part of transcontinent family.

What the actual FUCK are you on about??!!!
Why doesn’t he want to be separated from his child, who is perfectly safe - that’s might be the more important question.

😂 you were more direct than me

I wouldn't have wanted my under 1 year old to go to Australia for 2 weeks without me. I think it's too long and would have disrupted our bond. We would have missed each other loads. The upset wouldn't have justified what they got out of it. Does that answer your more important question?

I'm sorry to hear of your quandry; it seems a reasonable compromise, visit together every other year.

I understand your DHs pov. He isn't being unreasonable and hasn't been but doesn't want to spend all your money and leave visiting in laws on other side of the world. Every other year sounds like a good compromise to me.
I wouldn't want my child going away for weeks with my partner either. When they are little, that's a lifetime.
It's a hard one. You obviously miss your family but your DH will have his own family and friends that he will also want to spend time with.
Good luck with working through this with your guy.