Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

A or E makes perfect sense to me. Or F you split the cost of your fare with your family.
I'm assuming you grew up in the country you want to visit and it's not a wildly long flight

There is also a limit to the number of touristy things to do in any area. Doing tourist stuff with a baby isn't necessarily fun (depending on what is available).

I have family overseas and when they visit it can just be a chill out time - the odd meal out and generally catching up. Other visits are more holidays visiting NT and Historic places.

Something to remind DH his family probably see your LO frequently. Babies grow so fast it would be nice to go and visit the other GPs. And see your extended family.

The child is younger than that - just under 1.

If you go to visit family will you and DH be able to have a UK holiday in September once the schools are back and prices drop?

This, and Ops already been over with the baby recently, am less thinking its Oz and more UAE?

So op gets all the lovely abroad hols, and dh gets Grimsby?

That makes it even worse, they have a baby then, not even a toddler.
So op is supposed to take a BABY on a long haul flight and all of the stress and exhaustion of that, but her family can't be bothered to visit any longer. Seriously. Is this a wind up??

"I'm assuming you grew up in the country you want to visit and it's not a wildly long flight"

The OP says "my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world".

So she didn't grow up in that country and it is likely a wildly long flight. I would guess that it's likely Australia or New Zealand that her sibling emigrated to.

So you wouldn't like it if it were him going away so how then can you do it to him? Seeing family who moves to the other side of the world is rarely an annual event unless your rich surely your family knew this? I think they are wrong to keep pushing it.
If it were a man taking a child away like this everyone would be saying keep the passport hidden how can anyone separate a mother from a child it's cruel etc. but few care about the child's needs to see the dad or the dads needs.

I usually always back the op on these threads and support everyone to enjoy their dreams, independence and travelling when they can, but this feels selfish and one sided and I feel sorry for op's dh and hope she has apologised to him.

I’m on your DH’s side. My family would expect us as a family, or not at all. They would say “we will pay for one ticket if you can fund the other”, not “well if you can afford his ticket, you can pay for yourself and come without him”.

I think we’d been feeling really rejected if that was me or my DH in your DH’s position.

To add - my DH would have no issue me going and I wouldn’t have with him but the principle of them asking for one of you and not the other is harsh.

Then op should go on her own as she sees no issue with a parent not seeing their child for this amount of time she shouldn't have a problem doing it.

Would you send your baby away for 3 weeks?

That doesn't leave a lot after you take off time when baby is sick and things like religious holidays

Where does op say he's a selfish prick? How does not wanting to miss your very young child and partner for 3 weeks possibly missing first steps etc equate to being selfish when large chunks of this site are filled with mums saying the same thing and nobody says it's selfish?

' My impression from the OP’s first post is that it’s more the cost of entertaining her DH while they’re visiting that’s the issue. She says that she’s happy just to hang out at home, whereas he gets bored and they spent ££££ doing touristy things last time.

Perhaps it was also expensive for her family and they can’t afford to do that again? It’s not entirely clear, but money’s the issue, not dislike.'
Who knows? Its all rather unclear and tbf I no longer care. Have a good weekend

She absolutely has. She's planning to arrange with work to take the years a/l in a block so it will all be spent with her family.
As an adult any job I’d interview for I’d ask if I could take my AL together for me to go over once a year.
Who cares about the dh or as they get older her dc, as long as she and her family are happy!

How is not seeing and cuddling your baby not putting you out? Why is it only material shit that is important to you not his emotions? Yet ops emotional need is fine?

Don't miss out because he tells you not to go. You need to go and you need to insist.

Your DD will change so much, you've got a freebie opportunity to spend time together and for them to see her. Have the argument and go.

(I've done similar and don't regret it)

This thread is crazy. Ops family move abroad to a place she calls 'home' despite never having lived there. She's on mat leave and her and dh have already spent £3k to visit recently, but she wants to do this long haul again, her family will pay for her to go, but only if the dh doesn't come, and her thinking she's being kind and caring to her dh is she only goes for 10 days?! 😆 plus she's already planning to arrange with work to take her years a/l in a lump each year so it's all spent with her family. And he's the controlling one!

I'd absolutely be going - no question.

You're on maternity leave, baby is very young so airfare is free, easy to travel with a baby. You can go for very cheap on your own.

Seeing your family only every other year on your husband's say so is not on.

I don't understand why he gets to emotionally blackmail make the decisions on whether you go or not.

When I was on mat leave, I went to visit my family in another country twice, for 2-3 weeks each time. Husband was more than happy to have my family spend quality time with our baby. Because he's a good, supportive husband and father, who understands the importance of spending time with wider family.

No emotional blackmail from my husband, no controlling or limiting my visits back home with our children. In fact, he encourages us to go at least twice per year because my family won't be alive forever and he wants us all to enjoy quality time together. That's a decent husband.

@Expatfamily go and enjoy your trip.

@jannier I actually had to travel with my DD when she was 3 months old for a month! Granted it was a family emergency and I’m sure it was hard for DH. Longterm it hasn’t affected their bond at all though.

I can see that it’s hard for both the OP and her DH, it’s always difficult when families are so scattered. There’s really no ideal solution. I can also see that if you’re not in this situation, this type of travel might seem insane!

She's on mat leave, moneys tight. If she didn't have family abroad then she wouldn't be going either.

She's happy to go and hang out with family. If he goes he wants to see places and do stuff that just becomes pricey. Which also changes the dynamic is it a proper holiday or a hang out chill time with family?

Sorry I have lived there. I wasn’t born there but I have lived, studied and worked there. Like a lot of threads I have tried to just stick to relevant information to try to not be too identifying.

The last time we went over was over a year ago. My family visited me when DD was born. We’re planning on going over next year but we’ll be ttc next year which may delay us going over. Once DD is 2, it will become really difficult for us to go. Once we’ve got two kids I doubt we’ll be going at all.

I would like to some of my friends to meet DD. I miss my family terribly. I want to take DD to a place that I love, and that I somewhat still call home. My family miss me and DD. They’re not loaded and would scrimp to pay for me if that’s what was stopping me from going over. Tbh I think it’s kinda low to accept charity when you’ve got the money to pay. DH pays more on his hobbies every year than the cost of my flight/spending money.

But hey, as this thread spells out, they abandoned me. Sooner than later I’ll just need to accept that. Hard pill to swallow.

Op I honestly think you should go while you can.
I think it's quite off that he's discouraging you from visiting your family and friends.

It seems a lot of people don’t actually givea a shit about their own children, so they can’t comprehend that some people actually love their children and want to be with them as much as possible.