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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU telling friend the truth?

34 replies

WorthyPanda · 20/07/2024 11:27

I have a friend of the last 6-7 years. We originally met through our partners and have become closer as have youngest children the same age who get on very well. Friend is in a very abusive relationship with her partner who is a dependent drinker. He and my partner no longer speak or interact as partner does not like who he has become etc.

I have supported my friend numerous times - been there to help and advise and never judged her staying in the relationship as I get that it isn’t easy to walk away. However I have started to distance myself recently for my own mental health as she was relying on me so heavily. All her other friends have cut off contact completely as her partner is so abusive to them when they try to help etc. I arranged counselling with her for her children and herself and made safety plans with her, but have found it overwhelming so have gained back a bit of distance.

I have now received a party invitation to her child’s small tea party at their home for their birthday for my child. It is four friends to be dropped off for tea party and collected a couple hours later. I am not going to take my child and have them in the house where there have been multiple police call outs for DV and drinking from her partner. However I want to gently tell her the truth so that she gains some perspective of the situation. But my partner thinks I should save her feelings and say we are busy. This then means other invites could come our way and I will be constantly caught in a lie.

AIBU for telling her the truth? For context I would happily meet away or attend parties away from the house and was hoping to soften the party decline with saying I would take the children out to dinner for the birthday treat etc and still do presents etc.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 20/07/2024 11:31

Tell her the truth, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my child in this situation.

Meowzabubz · 20/07/2024 11:33

Why? What's the point? What do you hope to achieve?

She already knows he's abusive and she will probably already know why you won't let ds around.

Maria1979 · 20/07/2024 11:34

I would tell her the truth. But also say that I love her and that you would trust her if she was in a safe place with your child : without her abusive partner.

cupcaske123 · 20/07/2024 11:39

I'm assuming social services have been involved if there have been numerous police call outs. Is the partner going to be at the party? If not then I don't see the problem, if he is then I wouldn't want my children to witness drunken abuse

Your friend is aware she is in an abusive relationship so I don't see the point in telling her anything. Say you have other plans.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/07/2024 11:45

I think telling her the truth will result in some upset at their home and draw you back into the situation, which you don't want.

Just make an excuse.

Original poster
WorthyPanda · 20/07/2024 11:45

There have been childrens service involvement - however she tells him to leave and he goes to stay with his mum a while and then when children’s services close the referral (as he isn’t in the home) he moves back.
There is no guarantee whether he will be there or not as in the past she has asked him to be out for events and he has come home midway through intoxicated.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorthyPanda · 20/07/2024 11:46

OriginalUsername2 · 20/07/2024 11:45

I think telling her the truth will result in some upset at their home and draw you back into the situation, which you don't want.

Just make an excuse.

Yes I think you might be right and I don’t want to do anything to upset her further. An excuse would probably be kindest.

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 20/07/2024 11:47

I would ask if there is ANY chance that her husband is likely to put in an appearance, and if she asks why, just tell her that in that case your child won't be going, as while you have complete trust in her, you don't in her husband. As she knows that you're aware of the situation, then hopefully she will understand and re-think the party.

PandaPeacock · 20/07/2024 11:50

If you decide to tell her the truth she may react negatively and it may end the friendship. Yours and the kids. I wouldn't drop off my child either so know exactly how you feel. I'm a bit of a wuss in situations like these so I would probably just say we're busy.

RedHelenB · 20/07/2024 11:51

As she's your friend could you not stay for the party and then you can leave when drunken dh gets back.

cupcaske123 · 20/07/2024 11:52

WorthyPanda · 20/07/2024 11:45

There have been childrens service involvement - however she tells him to leave and he goes to stay with his mum a while and then when children’s services close the referral (as he isn’t in the home) he moves back.
There is no guarantee whether he will be there or not as in the past she has asked him to be out for events and he has come home midway through intoxicated.

That sounds like a horrendous situation for the children. They have an abusive drunken father staggering in and out of their lives. Can you speak to social services yourself and explain what's going on? Someone needs to safeguard those children. Can you inform the school safeguarding as well, if you know where they go.

I don't think I could remain friends with someone bringing their children up with an abusive drunk.

TheHuntSyndicate · 20/07/2024 11:59

The friendship is doomed.

Use this as an opportunity to cut ties with altogether.

Redhil · 20/07/2024 12:01

However I want to gently tell her the truth so that she gains some perspective of the situation.

Op do you really want her to gain perspective or do you think you want to tell her because you want to vent about what YOU think about the situation? You can't honestly think telling her this will open her mind the way you're hoping for. Most likely you will humiliate her at a time she probably already feels low and on top of that she will feel awful for the child's party she is trying to plan. Be a real friend and save your clarity talk for when its just you two alone and let her have some peace for this party. Either go and stay with your child or make your excuses and do something else with her at a later time. I definitely understand the need to speak up and not turn a blind eye to abuse but you need to consider your own motives for wanting to speak to her and make sure what you're telling her is for her good rather then telling her about all her failings.

Willmafrockfit · 20/07/2024 12:01

for her own sake, tell her and tell her why, help her face reality

Plumpribbon · 20/07/2024 12:05

So you want to ruin the tiny bit of joy she and her kids might have with the party- by telling her the truth in order to make yourself feel better

Dont go but say you’re busy and send a card and present.

You adding further negativity and embarassing the woman is callous and unkind. Your words of ‘truth’ about not attending a birthday party isn’t going to change the trajectory of her and the kids life now is it?

Workaholic99 · 20/07/2024 12:06

Is there a third option where you stay at the house for the duration? Offer to help out with setting up the party or something. I completely understand your predicament but also just thinking about the poor child whose party it is having no one turn up possibly!

Maddy70 · 20/07/2024 12:10

I would explain. But also stay with your child for the party

Original poster
WorthyPanda · 20/07/2024 12:15

Thank you for all your comments - it’s definitely given me a reality check as to whether it’s for my benefit or hers to be honest. I think more than likely mine but I couldn’t see it.
I will offer to stay for the party and help out.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 20/07/2024 12:16

she may say no to your staying @WorthyPanda

Strangerthanfictions · 20/07/2024 12:26

Meowzabubz · 20/07/2024 11:33

Why? What's the point? What do you hope to achieve?

She already knows he's abusive and she will probably already know why you won't let ds around.

The point: she perhaps doesn't realise the full consequences of the DV and implications on her and DC lives or is avoiding and being coerced. I understand that the OP doesn't want to lie and disguise a truth here, that the DV situation is impacting everything and people don't want to enable it or engage with it . I think it's brave to give gentle honesty if you can, but coupled with support and alternatives, you're not cutting her out, you're just setting your own boundaries OP which you have every right to do. Perhaps say, we're not comfortable coming to the house but would love to meet elsewhere for a birthday catch up when you are free. If you play along by saying you are busy and avoiding the real reasons, you are colluding in the pretence that everyone and everything is ok, it's not!! and you're not helping the friend by pretending that it is and validating the normalizing of DV.

Dery · 20/07/2024 12:28

I think offering to stay at the party is a good compromise. If she is opposed to that, I don’t think it’s wrong to gently tell her the truth. As you note, it can take multiple attempts for someone to leave an abusive relationship but if she understands that it is starting to cause her children to become isolated, that might be an additional motivation for her to properly end the relationship.

Meowzabubz · 20/07/2024 12:28

Strangerthanfictions · 20/07/2024 12:26

The point: she perhaps doesn't realise the full consequences of the DV and implications on her and DC lives or is avoiding and being coerced. I understand that the OP doesn't want to lie and disguise a truth here, that the DV situation is impacting everything and people don't want to enable it or engage with it . I think it's brave to give gentle honesty if you can, but coupled with support and alternatives, you're not cutting her out, you're just setting your own boundaries OP which you have every right to do. Perhaps say, we're not comfortable coming to the house but would love to meet elsewhere for a birthday catch up when you are free. If you play along by saying you are busy and avoiding the real reasons, you are colluding in the pretence that everyone and everything is ok, it's not!! and you're not helping the friend by pretending that it is and validating the normalizing of DV.

Show quote history

Of course she fucking does. Better than you ever could. Pointing it out does nothing but rub it in her face.

Createausername1970 · 20/07/2024 12:38

I think that as you have helped her with counselling and safety plans, you are probably ideal placed to say something.

Just be honest and say that with everything that's gone on, you aren't happy with your child being there and maybe a different venue - picnic in a local park?

If you were still closer, I would have said could you let her host it at yours as it's only a small party, but if you are trying to distance yourself a bit, then maybe not

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2024 12:39

I really disagree with all the posters urging you to continue avoiding the gaping hole in the floor: her abusive relationship. You have tried helping, counseling, supporting—and you are not removing thise offers. But if you were to let your children go over there you would be, in a psychological term, colluding in her fantasy that there are safe times and normal relationships for her children.

Your friend chooses to live on the efge of an unstable volcano. Of course she wants to hold a kid’s party there . But its a volcano!

Would you think it a good idea to protect her from the knowledge that this is a terrible idea?

The bottom line is the children—her children—are not safe in that house. She needs to recognize that and stop papering over the horror with balloons snd cake.

HellsBells67 · 20/07/2024 12:41

i've been in this situation almost exactly and I told my friend the truth. Yes there was a little upset but long run it helped her see that staying was not sustainable if she wanted any semblance of a normal life. Lying and going along with the happy life facade only prolongs things.