AIBU telling friend the truth?

[WorthyPanda]

I have a friend of the last 6-7 years. We originally met through our partners and have become closer as have youngest children the same age who get on very well. Friend is in a very abusive relationship with her partner who is a dependent drinker. He and my partner no longer speak or interact as partner does not like who he has become etc.

I have supported my friend numerous times - been there to help and advise and never judged her staying in the relationship as I get that it isn’t easy to walk away. However I have started to distance myself recently for my own mental health as she was relying on me so heavily. All her other friends have cut off contact completely as her partner is so abusive to them when they try to help etc. I arranged counselling with her for her children and herself and made safety plans with her, but have found it overwhelming so have gained back a bit of distance.

I have now received a party invitation to her child’s small tea party at their home for their birthday for my child. It is four friends to be dropped off for tea party and collected a couple hours later. I am not going to take my child and have them in the house where there have been multiple police call outs for DV and drinking from her partner. However I want to gently tell her the truth so that she gains some perspective of the situation. But my partner thinks I should save her feelings and say we are busy. This then means other invites could come our way and I will be constantly caught in a lie.

AIBU for telling her the truth? For context I would happily meet away or attend parties away from the house and was hoping to soften the party decline with saying I would take the children out to dinner for the birthday treat etc and still do presents etc.

I would be honest and no way would I subject my child to this sadly the other children have to live with it though hopefully social services will listen one day

I would want to know if he is going to be there and offer to stay just in case.
I feel sorry for the other parents if they have no idea that their kids could potentially be around a drunk abusive man so I hope they are either aware of it already or that he doesn't show up.

I would be honest and emphasise I’m happy to meet up with her outside of her home. I’d also be informing social services each time he returned to the home, I would not be complicit in any way in putting the children at harm.

Also, as someone who grew up witnessing domestic violence in the home, that my mother now says wasn't 'that bad', she may not be aware of how bad it is.

I definitely think offering to stay and help with the party is the best idea. For the sake of your friendship and the birthday child - it would be a shame if his/her friendships were damaged to their father.

And maybe think of other ways of speaking to your friend and supporting her, but maybe at another time.

I do appreciate all views and because they are all so different that also confirms why I feel so conflicted.

I have always helped her - with arranging counselling and safety plans, dropping everything on many occasions to ensure she is safe, helping financially when he has been at his mum’s following a police incident.

My partner has also done the same.

We have staged interventions for her partner, driven him to AA meetings and unfortunately he isn’t change ready and likely never will be. His abuse has worsened over the years and their youngest has witnessed it many times.

I will offer to help out at the tea party and stay - then I am able to be a safe haven for exiting other children should it become needed. If my offer is turned down then I think I have no other option than to decline and say I want to be there because of the recent history. I don’t want to hurt her - that is not my intention at all, or the children involved but I must act protectively to my child.

How do you know that about me? Or her? Her sense of reality and perspective could be completely altered by her domestic situation, often people don't have the capacity to think long term or bigger than the the immediate when they are living in such stress and difficulties, they can't see clearly or think logically about what to do or what is happening to them because they are so in it. There is no right or wrong for OP here but I understand why she doesn't want to engage with the situation and pretend everything is ok nor avoid it and also pretend everything is ok.

I'd tell her the truth.
It reaches a point when protecting her feelings has to take a back seat and something that's very probably fucking up her kids is that point.

Brilliantly put by @IncompleteSenten

This:

IncompleteSenten · Today 14:27
I'd tell her the truth.
It reaches a point when protecting her feelings has to take a back seat and something that's very probably fucking up her kids is that point.

She needs to recognise that the situation is condemning her DCs to social isolation.