Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Money and new partner..unsure

35 replies

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 22:58

Hi all,
I just wanted to get some views on this situation as I'm unsure if I am overthinking this.
I have been divorced 4 years, have 1 primary age dc and been in a new relationship for almost 2 years now. I met him at a hobby and knew him as a friend before we started a relationship. He is a lovely, funny, calm and decent person. Completely different in all the right ways to my xh. I was very weary of dating or anything following a very difficult divorce but things naturally evolved. I adore this man, he is incredibly patient and has understood how slowly I've needed to take things. He has only very recently met my daughter and then only briefly. We only spend time together when she's with her dad. BF has no kids, I don't want any more and he is fine with this.
BF currently lives with his sibling in a large house with no mortgage (his parents sadly passed away and they have inherited the property). This will be sold in time but neither of them are ready to part with it yet. Brother has a partner who is also living at that property.

The issue, if there is one, is this.
BF and I have recently planned to go away for a short break (while DD has plans with her dad) which is a bit of a one off. BF suggested it and we looked at hotels/flights together. We have paid 50/50 for the cost of the trip, which is fine, I've always paid my way. We have generally taken it in turns paying for dates.
What is playing on my mind a little is, to pay my half is really tough for me, I have had to scrimp and save and cancel a couple of other things in order to be able to afford it. I have a full time job but a large mortgage after my divorce and things can be really tight.
He on the other hand has no mortgage, considerable savings, and we are paying 50/50.
I feel if it was the other way round I'd have offered to pay a greater share. He knows i dont have much disposable income.
I'm not sure what to make of this. Every other thing about this man is amazing. But this is really niggling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:03

Also to add..he works also and earns a substantial salary.

OP posts:

Illbethereforyouuu · 19/07/2024 23:03

Does he know all what you've cancelled to be able to go? When he suggested the holiday did you tell him from the start you'd really struggle to do this and you wasn't sure. Or did you just say yes and have these issues going on in the background?

MissingKitty · 19/07/2024 23:03

It sounds like you’ve rightly set really firm boundaries and he’s stuck to them happily. It also sounds like you are independent as a person. I think this is a case of you can’t then expect him to want to pay for you, he may think it would cross a line, or it may just not occur to him because you don’t live together and haven’t been away together before. I think he’s doing nothing wrong to be honest.

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:09

@Illbethereforyouuu
To be honest I've not made a big deal of the stuff I've cancelled.
I guess I've been weary of sounding like I am hinting for him to pay, by saying I am skint etc.
I was keen to go away because its likely the only time dd will be away with her dad for this length of time, and a trip with BF sounded great and a chance I didn't want to pass up - I haven't had an adult only holiday in over 10 years, as many of us can relate I'm sure. DD has additional needs so it can be intense. Her grandmother on dad's side will be away with them and is amazing with her so that settles my mind too.
Maybe I've been too 'proud' and it's backfired.
I guess I want him to have offered.

OP posts:

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:10

@MissingKitty that's interesting, thanks.
I did a lot of work post divorce and my boundaries are iron clad at this point (possibly to my detriment!)

OP posts:

billyt · 19/07/2024 23:15

@@Venezuala2007

Everyone on MN knows us men can't read women's minds.

Talk to him. I'd rather know if my friends were struggling. (I say friends as an example as my late wife and I shared accounts so I can't use partner.) He sounds like a great bloke, so hopefully will listen.

He may be unaware of the things people with a mortgage and kids have to go without to live.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/07/2024 23:15

If you looked at hotels and flights together, then I don't understand why you didn't go for something that was more comfortably in your budget?

Illbethereforyouuu · 19/07/2024 23:17

Hes mentioned a holiday, you've jumped and said yes, you've cancelled stuff you haven't told him about, he has no idea you've struggled to pay for it. He's not a mind reader. Why should he offer to pay?

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:18

@TheSmallAssassin
We did in the sense that we went for something at the lower end, but for the destination it's still a lot more financially impactful on me than him.
Its so expensive living on one salary with a child.
Perhaps he doesn't realise how much, as his situation is so different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:19

@billyt
😂
I understand this..
Money is a difficult thing to talk about.

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 19/07/2024 23:19

Just because he's more financially secure than you doesn't mean he should be bankrolling you. It's only been 2 years.

Ive got friends I've known for decades and I'm not bankrolling them on holiday but we do do activities to suit all budgets.

Scribblydoo · 19/07/2024 23:20

I don't think you should dwell in this. Enjoy your holiday but you should talk about the disparity in your budgets. I'm sure he will understand if you discuss that you are in different financial positions and have different commitments so you can't match his disposable income. Before going on holiday is an ideal time as you will have different budgets for spending on holiday.

betterangels · 19/07/2024 23:21

If you both agreed to the budget you can't expect him to pay. You should have told him that the trip was outside your budget. His mortgage free house is nothing to do with this, IMO.

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:23

I get he isn't a mind reader, but he is a super intelligent guy... it isn't hard to work out that I'm a struggling single parent. I have mentioned certain things ie I am saving for, for example a new boiler which was fitted recently but he knows that took a while to save up for as I did tell him this. Ie he knows I couldn't lay my hands on the money right away.

OP posts:

SayTheWeirdThing · 19/07/2024 23:28

You sat there with him planning a holiday you couldn’t afford and are annoyed at him for not offering to pay for you?? Really??

Plan a trip you can afford, or ask him if he might be comfortable paying more. Simple.

telestrations · 19/07/2024 23:31

Are you worried about how much you'll need to spend while on the holiday and either going over your budget to keep up or being miserly to not.

If so I'd mention this to him and see what he wants to do which will boil down to he pays more for you both to have as good a time as he'd like or he spends less to stay within your budget. Don't let him "lend" you money though.

If you can't have this conversation after two years your a bit doomed to be honest, but also most men don't mind strong independent boundaried divorcees softening into them a little, take it from one :)

justasmalltownmum · 19/07/2024 23:31

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:23

Then in that case, he just didn't want to.

bunnypenny · 19/07/2024 23:33

As others have said, you don’t live together, he’s your boyfriend and you’ve been going out for only 2years (and as you say most of that that’s been distant given your young daughter and her needs). I wouldn’t expect anyone to bankroll me in that situation, even if I was struggling. You’re taking it slowly. You made a budget and it’s on you to stick to it. If you’re cancelling things for your holiday, you’re outside your budget. That’s on you.

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 19/07/2024 23:33

I think you shouldn't agree to a holiday you can't really afford your share of. At this stage in the relationship it's totally appropriate to go 50:50 but you need to set the budget. Your finances are not his responsibility. If the relationship gets more serious and committed that may prompt him to decide to merge finances more but that's not something you have a right to. Your child isn't his child. The fact you have a lower income isn't his problem.

Ok version-
"Let's have a weekend away at at a little BnB"
"We could, or we could make it a week in venice"
"I can't afford my share of a week in Venice, we need to stick to what I can afford"
"Hey let me top up the difference as a gift to you. You just put in what you can manage"

Not ok version:
"Let's have a weekend away at at a little BnB"
"We could, or we could make it a week in venice"
"Brilliant let's do it" (silently hoping he'll be paying...)
"OK that's booked"
"Great but I can't afford my share"

Some people are richer than others. Richer people do not owe support to others except the legally required taxes. They may choose to give but they don't owe it.

DadJoke · 19/07/2024 23:36

You need to decide what you want, very clearly, and explain it to him. Why were you embarrassed to ask? Do you always want to depend on him chipping in informally?

bunnypenny · 19/07/2024 23:37

Also - OP did you do this for a test? You said in your OP that you and he set a budget, found a holiday and you always pay your way … yet here you are, on MN, complaining that someone isn’t paying something you agreed to. What’s the real issue here?

Heronwatcher · 19/07/2024 23:41

Sorry but I think YABU. If you can’t afford to go on holiday then you need to say so and suggest something different. He’s not a mind reader and I think these days it is very much the done thing to pay 50/50. A rare thing- but I don’t see this as a red flag.

I think you need to analyse why this bothers you. Are you worried that you have different lifestyle expectations and this would affect compatibility? Do you feel slightly miffed that you’re the one with financial commitments? Or do you somehow think that money= love? Or is it that you think he’s not a gentleman if he didn’t offer? B

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed, boyfriend and girlfriend book holiday as agreed then boyfriend is griping to friends that she should pay more because he has a kid and a mortgage? It’d be a unanimous “cocklodger” verdict!

Original poster

Venezuala2007 · 19/07/2024 23:45

This is so helpful, thanks for all your replies/thoughts.
Just reflecting..lots of food for thought.

OP posts:

gillefc82 · 19/07/2024 23:50

Transparent communication is key here. Assuming your relationship is one built on mutual love, trust and respect you should be able to sit down and factually explain to him that your earnings don’t go as far as his do, so whilst you’re excited for your trip away, it has been a stretch to afford to cover your share.

You can also say that in future, you’d appreciate it if any trips/activities you plan as a couple can be more comfortably pitched to fit within your budget. This gives him the chance to offer to treat you / pay more if he wants to go certain places/travel at a certain level of luxury etc. And what’s the worst case - he doesn’t offer any additional help but you’ve at least been totally honest with him regarding your financial circumstances and he can’t plead ignorance in future if you have to say no to something he’d like to do.

bitesthedust · 19/07/2024 23:50

You settled for a 50-50 relationship and it might be hard to turn it around

If he is not generous, you can’t change that

Flip

1 2