… for not saying “sorry” to husband

[TwoGirlsAndOneDog]

Had a tricky bedtime with our 3.5 year old and 15 month old. 3.5 kept asking for “one more book” and we read several. I said it was lights out time and she asked for another one. I initially said “no” and she had a meltdown, so I gave in and offered to read one in the dark with the torch whilst settling 15m old. Husband was there and said “what the f**k is wrong with you?” and walked out.

I fully acknowledge and agree that I shouldn’t have given in, and only did so to avoid more tantrum. However, when I went downstairs, husband basically said “well are you going to apologise for what happened?”. My view is that I have nothing to apologise to him for; I am not accountable to him for my parenting blips and, whilst I am annoyed with myself and should be sorry to 3.5 for potentially creating confusing boundaries, it had nothing to do with him. It would be different if he was the one to say “no more books” and I then said ok to another, I get that because it would be undermining to him. But in this case I undermined myself not him.

He says that I should apologise and am accountable to him because we should always be accountable to one another for parenting and apparently he can’t do things when I’ve said “no” but I can always change my mind for myself. I don’t think that’s true and I think he allows plenty of things that one or both of us have said “no” to.

Also, very annoyed (and regularly annoyed) about the language he uses in front of the children and the way he talks to me generally.

YABU - We should be accountable to one another as parents and I should say sorry.

YANBU - He’s being a self-absorbed douchebag.

What a tosser

He shouldn’t have said that.
But are you always changing the goalposts with his parenting? Does it come from a place of frustration?

20% of voters think you should apologise to your DH? Oh come on. Absolutely not

It was an extra story, not a crack pipe. He’s being horrible. Has he apologised for being so nasty to you and in front of the kids? That’s way more damaging than a bit of pandering/peace keeping to a small child.

Being consistent is generally helpful for everyone. If there’s a pattern of you agreeing strategies between you and you undermining him I can see why that would be frustrating. Though still no excuse to treat you like an errant employee.

On your death bed will you be counting up the things you wish you’d said no to, like extra bedtime stories? Or will you be thinking you could have been right or happy and chosen the latter?

Why are you putting them both to bed?

Neither of your options are suitable . But you are making a rod for your own back and therefore his too if you don't stick ro boundaries you have decided on together regarding bedtime.

Haha , why on earth would he need an apology? That makes zero sense, he's being ridiculous

Also, very annoyed (and regularly annoyed) about the language he uses in front of the children and the way he talks to me generally.

That there is your problem.

Just let him do it it next time, given his excellence in child care matters

He sounds like hard work

Is he your husband or your boss? Ask him when your appraisal is and offer a 360 review of his management style. I think him swearing in front of the kids is far worse than caving into one more story.

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that but he will have to deal with the consequences of your inconsistent boundaries or your children will learn that dad means what he says but a tantrum can get mum to change her mind, that will make your life far more difficult.

I think you need to reach agreement on parenting and back each other. He's being a dick but you seem to think his thoughts on parenting don't matter.

Language unacceptable, but your parenting was wrong, you gave in and this will cause problems for you both.
I can understand his annoyance.

What bollocks, one story's not going to fragment the family unit, the man was an over bearing arse.

That’s not it. I agreed with him that I shouldn’t have given in. What I don’t agree with is that he wants an apology from me. He also sets zero boundaries, which is the only reason that he doesn’t change the goalposts as there aren’t any.

I also understand annoyance. But does that mean I should say sorry to him?!! I haven’t done anything to him…

The boundaries weren’t decided together. I said “no” at first without any input from him and then gave in. I fully agree that I shouldn’t have given in, but does that mean I should say sorry to him?! I undermined myself not him/us?!

Yep I agree with your husband, you were in the wrong and you do need to apologise

For marrying the fucker in the first place, I hope he ain't holding his breath for that apology

He sounds like a total dickhead. It was a book ffs. DC are only little for a short time plus sounds like it saved a longer time putting to bed if the tantrum had got bigger. No way do you owe him an apology.

No which is why I said neither of the voting options are suitable for me to vote on.

Try to agree a routine that you both want to adhere to and stick to it. It is easier all all round especially for the child.

Thanks. No strategies agreed between us, just me changing my own position.

We try to do bedtime together when he’s home but I do most of the time as he works later/isn’t home.

This. Who hasn't read their child an extra story! He's a twat.

Your opinion, I disagree. The only one talking bollocks is you, can't you give a opinion without resulting to insults, if you have kids you are not a good example.
Don't agree with me, start swearing at me.

What will happen when your 3 year old says 'what the fuck is wrong with you'?
Will he care?

Totally understand OP; why on Earth does he want an apology 🙄 he should be apologising to you for his language...
And I wouldn't give in to tantrums from the kids (or him)

No, don't apologise, he lost the moral high ground when he used that language.