… for not saying “sorry” to husband

[TwoGirlsAndOneDog]

Had a tricky bedtime with our 3.5 year old and 15 month old. 3.5 kept asking for “one more book” and we read several. I said it was lights out time and she asked for another one. I initially said “no” and she had a meltdown, so I gave in and offered to read one in the dark with the torch whilst settling 15m old. Husband was there and said “what the f**k is wrong with you?” and walked out.

I fully acknowledge and agree that I shouldn’t have given in, and only did so to avoid more tantrum. However, when I went downstairs, husband basically said “well are you going to apologise for what happened?”. My view is that I have nothing to apologise to him for; I am not accountable to him for my parenting blips and, whilst I am annoyed with myself and should be sorry to 3.5 for potentially creating confusing boundaries, it had nothing to do with him. It would be different if he was the one to say “no more books” and I then said ok to another, I get that because it would be undermining to him. But in this case I undermined myself not him.

He says that I should apologise and am accountable to him because we should always be accountable to one another for parenting and apparently he can’t do things when I’ve said “no” but I can always change my mind for myself. I don’t think that’s true and I think he allows plenty of things that one or both of us have said “no” to.

Also, very annoyed (and regularly annoyed) about the language he uses in front of the children and the way he talks to me generally.

YABU - We should be accountable to one another as parents and I should say sorry.

YANBU - He’s being a self-absorbed douchebag.

Jeez, the amount of entitled ‘king of the castle’ husbands I hear about on MN boggles the mind!

He sounds aggressive and nasty. If your kids are talking to you in this way in a few years' time, there will be no prizes for guessing where they picked it up.

On the bedtime issue, yes parents might discuss together the need for consistency and how it would make life easier. But hectoring the other parent over minor things is abusive behaviour imo.

Oh come on! You read your DC and extra story. I don't even understand why you're annoyed with yourself etc. You read a bloody story! It honestly will make no difference. Honestly when they have grown up you won't think 'I should have been more strict and read less stories!' You will be glad you read the extra stories. There is no need whatsoever to be so strict. It's just not necessary. So no, you don't owe him or anyone else an apology. You did nothing wrong!

I need to get off this site because I'm starting to hate men.

Yanbu

Unfortunately you've had children with an absolute dickhead.

My dd’s dad gives in at extra bedtime stories to the point that lights out happens an hour or more later. And while I have discussed with him the importance of a consistent bedtime routine, I have never expected an apology or said what the fuck is wrong with you.

Yanbu and your dp’s behaviour is not ok.

Well… you do your bedtimes yourself when he’s not there, so he can do them himself when he is home.

let him do him, and you do you.

as for the story book thing tell dc
to choose - say - 2 books and those are the books. Tell them that is the choice for the evening,

In your head/planning allow for 1 more as a bonus, and if they’ve been good and you have the time, use it as a reward.

you will never regret the books you read your child, you will miss that time with them for far far longer than you’ll be doing it. Yes of course there need to be boundaries but there are some things you can flex a bit on, focus on behaviour and respect

your h should be apologising to you for the swearing at you AND in front of the kids. That’s a total wrong.

id point out to him that he didn’t set a boundary (as he never does) so there is nothing for you to apologise for. However in future, perhaps he can do bed times when he’s home and you do them when he is not.

give him a bit of load. He has to learn to parent his kids and set boundaries and not have anyone to offload this to.

What the fuck is wrong with him??? He's going to have some really interesting conversations ahead, when nursery and school teachers have to deal with your child's use of 'fuck' in class.

Other parents may not want their dcs to be friends with 'that' child.

That aside, he needs to work with you not against you and parenting has to be cooperative.

He sounds like a mentalist. I don't like the idea of grown ass people demanding apologies from each other as a rule anyway.

YANBU OP

I would apologise for having children with him and say I will never make that huge error again.

In future when DD wants “one more” after a second story say - you’ve just had one more. It may result in a tantrum but stick to your guns and she will learn that 1 more really is one more. Toddlers need to push boundaries and also learn where the boundaries are firm.

Unless you've bollocked him previously for going to read one more story because 'it'll reward her for having a tantrum/undermines everything I'm trying to do', he's being a dick.

He shouldn't talk to you like that ever, but especially nor in front of your children.

He can't criticise your parenting for giving in to read a story (the horror), when his parenting choice is to give them that role model! In that moment he was a poor husband and a poor father. Only you know if that's usual.