Posting for advice because I am at my breaking point.
In short, my ex-partner left me for his ex-girlfriend about a year ago. We were together for many years and have children. He has not been a great dad, often prioritizing his girlfriend. Thats a story and a half in itself, with him being unreliable, skipping contact, leaving early, spending the time on his phone etc.
About 2 months after he left, I discovered his drug addiction. He was using drugs while still living at home, albeit clearly sporadically but i have started to sense that something wasn't right few months before he left and was on him. In those months before he left, his ex-girlfriend reconnected with him and encouraged him to leave his family. Her "super power" is her drug use and the freedom to do so with grown children out of the house. He moved straight into her home, got engaged within 3 months, and got more and more addicted to drugs.
Despite leaving us, he kept coming back, begging for a chance to fix things, saying he made a mistake. He has moved out of her house twice but went back within a week saying its the drug pull.... Nothing substantial has happened until recently....
Now, before you judge me as stupid, I wouldn't have considered taking him back if he had just left for another woman. His drug addiction changed my perspective because it’s a disease that makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do. I wanted to help him and save him because I felt he deserved my love and support after so many years.
He left the OW a few weeks ago, saying he is ready to clean up and get his family back. He moved in with his parents. I gave him some downtime, knowing he needed to decompress, but I expected more effort towards our DC and more time spent with us after swearing how much he loves us and wants to fix this. Although I know you can't trust an addict, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We signed up for couples therapy, but he hasn't done anything about his drug addiction and I suspect he still uses, as he often disappears to his friends' homes. Despite his promises, nothing has really changed. His family seems to be enabling and justifying that small steps are needed, I'm not so sure.
Two days ago, I became sick with COVID. I am really unwell. I informed him, and he responded with, "Oh, that's not good. How have I not got it then?" I ignored him. He then asked, "Is there anything I can do?" I responded that if he needed to ask, then I wouldn't bother. He said he would call and arrange care, to which I replied, "No thanks, I will cope. Thanks for showing love, go to hell." He hasn't bothered to help or contact me since. I might have been totally unreasonable, but those messages triggered me terribly. When someone says they will prove their love, Id expect them to ask how I'm feeling, if our DC are okay, and say they're coming over and asking what we need. His offer of help felt insincere, like a response to a colleague, not someone he's supposed to be winning over. Even if he was unhappy with my response, he should still show up for his kids. I have been so patient with his shit, I just wanted to feel like he actually cares and will rush over and support.
With everything that has happened over the past year and the last few weeks, this felt like the final straw. I texted him saying I'm done because I can no longer be treated like garbage, especially now that he can't blame the other woman. He tried to call, but I asked for communication via text and only about the children as I don't want to speak. I need a few months of no contact to fully get over the situation. Now, he's bombarding me with messages and phone calls, threatening to take me to court, accusing me of withholding contact with the children (I don't; due to his drug use, his family and I put safeguards in place that he isn't allowed to look after them on his own or drive them), and saying I'm separating him from the kids he loves dearly (he often didn't turn up for contact and didn’t inform anyone).He accuses me of withholding information about their routines and school (he gets the same emails but never reads them) and threatens to go for 50/50 care even though he often skipped seeing them for weeks. He also said horrible things, accusing me of breaking up the family. Then he claimed he was just angry, didn’t mean what he said, still loves me, and wants to fix things, and was excited for therapy.
Now I'm very sick, barely functioning. Luckily, the kids are independent enough and I manage to feed them with takeout, but I can barely move, can't work, and am genuinely struggling. I can’t believe he’s bombarding me with this tirade while I’m so sick. My friends are angry, saying this is abuse and harassment, and that I need to drop him and go through court for child arrangement orders (they know the full story). I've tried to support him because I still love him and hoped therapy and rehab could fix things.
So, AIBU? Is this salvageable with therapy and rehab and can be put down to drugs behaviour, or should I cut him off and get a court order sorted because he is a lost cause?