AIBU to think this salvageable or is this nearing abuse and manipulation ?

[ItsNotRainingMen]

Posting for advice because I am at my breaking point.

In short, my ex-partner left me for his ex-girlfriend about a year ago. We were together for many years and have children. He has not been a great dad, often prioritizing his girlfriend. Thats a story and a half in itself, with him being unreliable, skipping contact, leaving early, spending the time on his phone etc.

About 2 months after he left, I discovered his drug addiction. He was using drugs while still living at home, albeit clearly sporadically but i have started to sense that something wasn't right few months before he left and was on him. In those months before he left, his ex-girlfriend reconnected with him and encouraged him to leave his family. Her "super power" is her drug use and the freedom to do so with grown children out of the house. He moved straight into her home, got engaged within 3 months, and got more and more addicted to drugs.

Despite leaving us, he kept coming back, begging for a chance to fix things, saying he made a mistake. He has moved out of her house twice but went back within a week saying its the drug pull.... Nothing substantial has happened until recently....

Now, before you judge me as stupid, I wouldn't have considered taking him back if he had just left for another woman. His drug addiction changed my perspective because it’s a disease that makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do. I wanted to help him and save him because I felt he deserved my love and support after so many years.

He left the OW a few weeks ago, saying he is ready to clean up and get his family back. He moved in with his parents. I gave him some downtime, knowing he needed to decompress, but I expected more effort towards our DC and more time spent with us after swearing how much he loves us and wants to fix this. Although I know you can't trust an addict, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We signed up for couples therapy, but he hasn't done anything about his drug addiction and I suspect he still uses, as he often disappears to his friends' homes. Despite his promises, nothing has really changed. His family seems to be enabling and justifying that small steps are needed, I'm not so sure.

Two days ago, I became sick with COVID. I am really unwell. I informed him, and he responded with, "Oh, that's not good. How have I not got it then?" I ignored him. He then asked, "Is there anything I can do?" I responded that if he needed to ask, then I wouldn't bother. He said he would call and arrange care, to which I replied, "No thanks, I will cope. Thanks for showing love, go to hell." He hasn't bothered to help or contact me since. I might have been totally unreasonable, but those messages triggered me terribly. When someone says they will prove their love, Id expect them to ask how I'm feeling, if our DC are okay, and say they're coming over and asking what we need. His offer of help felt insincere, like a response to a colleague, not someone he's supposed to be winning over. Even if he was unhappy with my response, he should still show up for his kids. I have been so patient with his shit, I just wanted to feel like he actually cares and will rush over and support.

With everything that has happened over the past year and the last few weeks, this felt like the final straw. I texted him saying I'm done because I can no longer be treated like garbage, especially now that he can't blame the other woman. He tried to call, but I asked for communication via text and only about the children as I don't want to speak. I need a few months of no contact to fully get over the situation. Now, he's bombarding me with messages and phone calls, threatening to take me to court, accusing me of withholding contact with the children (I don't; due to his drug use, his family and I put safeguards in place that he isn't allowed to look after them on his own or drive them), and saying I'm separating him from the kids he loves dearly (he often didn't turn up for contact and didn’t inform anyone).He accuses me of withholding information about their routines and school (he gets the same emails but never reads them) and threatens to go for 50/50 care even though he often skipped seeing them for weeks. He also said horrible things, accusing me of breaking up the family. Then he claimed he was just angry, didn’t mean what he said, still loves me, and wants to fix things, and was excited for therapy.

Now I'm very sick, barely functioning. Luckily, the kids are independent enough and I manage to feed them with takeout, but I can barely move, can't work, and am genuinely struggling. I can’t believe he’s bombarding me with this tirade while I’m so sick. My friends are angry, saying this is abuse and harassment, and that I need to drop him and go through court for child arrangement orders (they know the full story). I've tried to support him because I still love him and hoped therapy and rehab could fix things.

So, AIBU? Is this salvageable with therapy and rehab and can be put down to drugs behaviour, or should I cut him off and get a court order sorted because he is a lost cause?

I think you can support him to get clean if he has real intentions to do so, without compromising your emotional wellbeing and stability for your children. If he gets sober, engages with services and NA, and consistently shows up for the kids then and ONLY then would I even begin considering trusting him again.

He looked into it, but not booked into any rehabs etc. He 'needs' time and when I say that he clearly isn't ready, his family and him saying I'm pushing too much and he feels the pressure making him run.

So actually, rehab might not be the best first step. He needs to contact a local addiction support centre and see what they're offering. It's very rare to beat addiction through one visit to rehab. You need longer term support and embedding survival into your life. Ask him to do that first, not rehab. Private rehab is very expensive.

You need to leave him to sort himself out. What does it matter whether the drugs are making him do it or if he is a good/bad person? You can't fix him. He needs to seek counselling on his own. You getting angry with him and your reaction clearly demonstrates that you expect a relationship response from him. This is toxic. Very.

We have all tried, sent him links etc. He refused to go and sit in circle and chat in a group with other addicts etc. His family can afford private rehab, they are well off. To me, it looks like he isn't ready to get fixed and every time I decide to step away, I feel I get sucked back in, listening to his family how it's going to be little steps. They don't seem to set any boundaries and allow him to disappear to his friends and don't pull him up on his behaviour.

I have shared this post with my BF and we have both felt its toxic and I need to step away and should have done long time ago. Deep down I know that this isn't fixable, probably ever.

Drop the rope. You cannot fix him. You can only limit the damage done to you and your children. His family are also part of the problem, enabling him rather than insisting he get clean. You will need to pull back from them too.

It is baby steps and it took me many, many tries but I kept trying and trying. I fell down a lot, infuriated people, upset people but in my heart I didn't give up and I wanted to get better.

You can support but also step back. It won't help you or him to involve yourself now.

Yes I assume it is baby steps and his family is right with that. I do feel however that he isn't doing much to help his addiction, not contacting therapists / centres / or anyone and putting contingencies in place. I'm aware he will fail many times, I was prepared to support with that as I understand addiction is terrible but clearly this is too triggering for me as he uses his addiction as excuse for why he isn't around much.

Absolutely agree with you. Do not waste your time as he is not engaging with the services and has therefore not reached the point where he's trying to get better.

Look after you.

Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate. I have shared this post with more friends, as well as screenshots of today's conversation with exDP and 2 of them are pretty sure that his messages / threats are emotional blackmail and I feel guilty for not helping him fix himself and reunite our family, because thats what he is saying, like I'm depriving DC of him. Clearly I'm too soft and need to grow a pair.

An addict needs to get themselves sorted when they are ready. And when they make that choice I don't think they can really be focusing on a relationship that is as rocky as you describe. For his best interests he needs to be single to focus on himself.

But also, he is a drug addict, it is an illness, so why are the kids being exposed to behaviour like what you have described. I wouldn't be allowing contact, the kids wellbeing comes first and seeing their dad in a state or having an inconsistent dad isn't good. I say this having a similar situation in my family.

Lastly, you might love him still but you really do need to go no contact. You need to heal. It isn't a healthy relationship, he doesn't love and respect you, and you allowing him to run back to you when he chooses isn't good for you and the kids. And this I mean whether drugs are or are not involved.

You are not the one depriving the dc, HE is. Don't let him make you feel responsible for him. Great that you Have seen through him and reaching out to friends.

Your DC deserve better and you are showing them they are not worth much. When they are older they may blame you as much as there father.
He was taking drugs in your family home. Your kids deserve better. And you do too.

Does anyone know if it's worth applying for child arrangement orders ? I fear that by the time it gets to court with massive delays, he will get to clean up which will then make me look like I'm doing it out of spite. I fear he will be granted access which won't safeguard DC and it will ruin the relationship with his family, and they are great with DC so I don't want that.

I feel like I can't win.

How his family deals with his addiction is none of your business so stop obsessing about where you think they are going wrong.

He and he alone is responsible for dealing with his addiction. He may or may not be ready but nothing you or anyone else does can influence that. Addicts always blame other people, stop getting bogged down in his addict behaviour.

Your reaction to his texts is OTT. I don't know why you thought he would suddenly be a good partner with everything else that's going on.

If he's living with his family and they take safeguarding seriously then make contact arrangements with them and leave it up to him about whether he can be bothered.

You are focussed on what everyone else is doing rather than what you need to do. If he's dangerous then report him to the police otherwise block him and communicate calmly with his family.

In short you need to grow up, stop engaging in the drama and put your children first.

I've only really skimmed but I say no it's not salvageable. I wouldn't forgive leaving you for another woman and being a shit dad but the drugs is a nail in the coffin. If you can't give up drugs for your children you value the drugs more than your children. I used to have a mini problem, I was functional and no one knew. I became a mum and stopped. I will always crave it's a burden. Yes it is a disease. But people get on with life and responsibility with all kinds of diseases. I now have constant pain from a health thing and it's no different to a constant craving you just have to focus on something else and get on with it when you are a parent. You have just been very sick yourself you still cared for the kids when you felt like that? It's no different.

The only thing that keeps me sober is my responsibilities. Before kids it was work but after kids it's my kids. If having kids hasn't stopped him and being with you didn't stop him then he won't stop without significant ongoing support from someone.

The most important thing is your children. Maybe with your support he could kick it in the end but why does he an adult come before your children? He does not

You are sighing for the moon. This and I hesitate to say, 'man' is a loser ,you will never no happiness or feel secure with him. Get rid !!!

Are you worried he will take you to court or are you thinking you should take him?

The kids live with you so the order would be against you. He could choose to not have his contact but you would be required to have the kids available regardless.

Drug addicts get contact with Theo kids all the time. If he says he won't use when he has the kids.

If you limit contact will he actually take you to court?

Ideally I'd say stop contact as you said he's not a good dad anyway the kids won't be missing out but you have to work within the system we have and that will look very bad on you. My advice is make it so contact is always supervised. Maybe tell him that if it won't upset him but it may trigger him taking you to court in a fit of ego so just always be there or know a family member of his you trust will be there. That way if he does take you to court you can raise your safeguarding concerns and state you have ensured all contact is supervised for the children's safety. Then requested contact in the order is supervised. But be prepared for it not to be supervised indefinitely. Maybe you will get lucky but it's more likely the order will expect progress to unsupervised. Our family court system disgusts me

He’s an addict, he will lie.. straight to your face. He’s choosing to continue his addiction, and making excuses not to engage in therapy. He’s loves his drugs more than he loves you.

my brother was a Heroin addict ..so I know the script very well. It was only residential rehab, away from his home town, that worked. Although he stopped his addiction in the early 90s, the physical impacts are still with him now.

In order to stop any addiction.. you have to take away the means (money), the opportunity, and you have to want to do it. If you really want to give up, you sit in a circle and talk about feelings (as this is a really important part of why people use drugs)

You are also part of his addiction, you are unwittingly enabling him, by providing him with emotional suppprt, or a place to live, or money. If you want any him or to stop, you need to stop all of this.

These are some of the things it might entail - being financially defrauded to feed an addiction, being gas lighted and having your feelings minimised, being bullied into providing money, messages from people you don't know, woken at strange times, other unpredictable or impulsive behaviour, stress, anxiety, time, proximity to criminals, densitisation to trauma.

It's a huge amount of stress, may get worse before better, and chance of relapse is high. People who get addicted to drugs tend to be people who are prone to impulsive behaviours.

I don’t know why you are getting your knickers in a knot over his response to you being unwell with covid. Maybe he didn’t want to contract it, makes sense, addicts generally have poor immunity and are deeply self-absorbed.

Bigger issue is his drug addiction, lying about it and still using. Not to mention involvement with another woman. Obviously from your posts you want to resurrect your relationship for some reason. You are letting your desire for him to become the man you want him to be seduce you into thinking he can change. He’s saying some of the right stuff but doing nothing to get there and that’s not going to change.

Your use of the term “I want to save him” really stood out. You can’t save him. Only he can deal with his addiction. The odds are not in his favour. You need to get him out of your kids’ lives. They deserve better than the distress and shame of a drug addict parent. Because they will know - even if you think they don’t. As for his 50/50 child care threats - what court is facilitating this? It’s empty threats, all of it. Move on from this drama. If he wants to get clean his family are offering support, let him lean on them to help himself, if he’s willing. It’s not up to you, your responsibility lies with your kids.

Regarding court, I am worried. I'm not sure which way it would go.

If I apply to court, by the time we get a case, he might clean up enough not to show on test. He could get contact based on that, and then nothing stopping him from using again. If I go to court, I ruin relationship with his family even though with the way he has been and they were angry with him, they suggested I do go to court. Now that he is at theirs, things have changed. ExDp might be granted more contact by the court which won't be great either from DC perspective as it can put them in danger. But it could also grant me child arrangement orders which would give me some freedom with traveling without needing his permission, possible better contact days that he can still choose not to use but then that's on him or having a set residence.

If I don't go to court, ultimately the safeguarding in place can be ignored by him and his family. I can't stop them from believing him he is clean of drugs because they get easily sucked in, nor can I trust that he won't overstep and actually take his DC out, and there is nothing his parents can do as he has PR.

When he is not on coke, which his family and I believe he is not on during visitation, he is OK. He plays with DC, cooks food etc. He is still lazy, doesn't do a lot of active stuff, falls asleep all the time and his temper is shorter, he isn't impacting DC in a bad way so stopping contact would feel worse and unjustifiable.

At the moment he sees DC every other weekend. He used to come to mine during the week, but that stopped when I went no contact the first time and his parents won't facilitate during the week visit because their other grandchild lives there with her mum. Similar situation there, SILs DP was also on drugs, ended up having a meltdown however he cleaned himself up. He caused huge shitstorm, I can't say for legal reasons however exDPs parents haven't set boundaries with him despite this so I have no hope them setting boundaries with exDP.

Feels like a no win whichever way I go