To not expect backlash when I go via CSA rather than private arrangement?

[Peedoffmama]

Have had a private arrangement a few years now, I know that ex’s salary has gone up twice in the past year and only now have a mentioned this. He plucked an amount out of the air so I’ve gone down the CSA route so that I don’t have to have this conversation each year. He’s kicked, started bringing other stuff up and inferring he “knows stuff” .
Why? It’s like he think I’m out pissing up his CSA, not that in goes towards everything that keeps my child houses and fed.

Now I’m doubting that I should have brought it up whilst also worrying how he’s now guna be an absolute d*ck every time I see him! it’s like he can still control me now, through fear!

Do you need to see him? Just mute his notifications for texts and inform him he will only contact you via a parenting app. You don't need to give him an audience.

Unfortunately yes, at drop off, DD is only 3

Oooh, the "knows stuff" also often presents as, "If I told people what you are really like" or "you don't know the half of it".

As a rule, they kick off becuase they're being asked to actually contribute. What a wanker. I don't have a solutin for you but if he's abusive, which is sounds like he is, be prepared for him to 'punish' you - perhaps by not turning up for contact time, or threatening to keep your DC for longer etc.

It’s so pathetic ! The only time we have issues is money related!
no way will he keep her extra 🤣🤣🤣

no way will he keep her extra
I said "threatening" to keep her extra They don't actually want the child more, obviously. but, especially when money is involved, they like to THREATEN this as a way to get you to back down. Usually accompanied by first not turning up at all as planned.

It's highly irrational and completely ridiculous.

My favourite was when the one we know told her that he was goign to go to court and tell them all about her and he would get full custody. How we laughed - he was working minimum wage for 20 hours a week but, and here's the kicker, NOT LOOKING after the DC in the hours he was NOT working (easily proved). But he honestly thought the court was going to give him custody? hahahahaha.

Go through the CSA. Takes at all the agro.

I had ex being a dick using maintenance to control me. Withholding it if he thought I wasn't being nice enough to him.

It's a doddle now.

Wish I’d done it when I left, would have saved so much aggro !

When you say he "plucked an amount out of the air", was it that you disagreed with the amount thinking he could have paid more? Will you even get more through CSA or have you just shot yourself in the foot?

If relationships were civil and he was offering a fair about I wouldn't have rocked the boat for potentially no gain. However, if this was not the case then you've done the right thing.

I know how much he gets as I work at the same company and I know he’s had multiple pay increases. This is the first time since she was born that I’ve asked for an up to date figure.
it took me A LOT to request this as I knew he’d end up making it awkward, but why should my daughter go without whilst he gets to pay less than he should every month for years

I'd just say something like I'll go through cms then we don't have to keep having this conversation. Be prepared you might get less with no warning though as I doubt he'd tell you if he quit etc

So you've done the CSA calculator and will get more?

I have done a calculator yes, but I don’t want to have this conversation every single year as it’s too much backlash from him. It’s took me 3 years to get the balls to ask him to recalculate it and he’s kicked off a treat!

Its not just about the money

My exDH plucked a figure our of thin air too. I knew it was lower than the CSA amount but I kept it that way until our divorce was finalised to not rock the boat - he already had big problems with the fact he had to support my 'champagne lifestyle' (I don't like champagne).

Anyway, moving forward I made my claim through the CSA. Turns out he was underpaying me by £150 per month. This was the start of the threats of suicide (not for the first time).

The CSA were great. Assessed the claim for CSA and it's there in black and white. They have also dealt with his increasing salary and also incorrect financial information.

Make sure if you rock the boat CSA are willing to chase him up and he is definitely earning more like you say. I rocked the boat recently with ex CMS... basically can't pin my ex as he's self employed 🤷 and 4 the last 4 months he's not paid a penny!

It's very sad that men don't want to provide for their DC adequately. If he's had a few pay rises and not increased your child's maintenance time to go to CMS. I found it exhausting having to try to have the conversation each year with my ex. I went through CMS and it turned out DC were entitled to more than he was giving me for them. He did a little protest by not turning up to see DC a couple of times but then started up contact again.

The way I see it is that all bills are increasing, so if his pay is increasing then the CSA amount should increase too. I’m not asking for an extortionate amount, just what the CSA say my DD should receive .

I would play it off a bit by saying, “oh no, this isn’t supposed to come across badly, it’s just an easy way of setting things up so we don’t have to sort it between us every year.”

Sadly I think it’s too late for that, I’ll now have to endure months of dickish remarks and digs until he’s calmed down :(

Not sure it’s still a thing, but they used to take the money straight out of their wages directly if there was abuse going on. I see “i know things about you” as a manipulative tactic. I’m guessing there was mistreatment in the relationship.

My ex did the same. I learned to grey rock. I texted “Okay.” in reply to every nasty message and only responded properly to sensible ones about arrangements. It helped to imagine our conversations being read out in court - I would be the calm one not inciting arguments or contact.

When I was him in person I acted as if he was mentally unwell - just calm and saying “Okay.”

If he tried to make small talk I would give polite brief answers as if he was just a stranger. Treat him like a strange colleague you have to politely deal with - the job is raising your children.

All this worked out well for me. He actually became nervous around me and I realised what a sopping wet flannel he actually was.

My ex was VERY happy with a private arrangement which didn't change for 6 years until he threw his toys out of the pram at me asking for his up to date salary so I could assure myself it was a reasonable figure. What business did I have questioning him, he'd show me what he was paying was more than enough.

Took HIMSELF to the CSA (as it was then) who informed up both his payrises over 6 years meant his CM was in fact double.

Dickhead. Don't be surprised if they work out a higher amount.

Reframe this.

You wouldn't have had to go to CSA if he'd been honest about increased earnings and if he'd been paying sufficiently in the first place. You have done nothing wrong. He started this. Dickish comments are par for the course... try to ignore them.

I learnt over the years to ignore it all.
Cms when works is the best way for the children.

No you won't. When you see the man it's simply to collect your child. You do not need to provide him with an audience for his drivel. Walk away. Block him from contacting you.
The only way to deal with such pathetic men are by not engaging. Make the only way he can contact you be via a parenting app. CMS exist for making non resident parents pay towards their kid, so let them.

it’s more the future texts that he will no doubt send me that I’m thinking about, definitely going to grey rock!