Cleaning Camp/ boot camp that teaches domestic skills

[ExhaustedWorkerBee]

My partner is beyond useless when it comes to domestic skills. It is driving me insane and breaking me. It is not my job to teach him basic life skills. Does anyone know of a bootcamp/ training camp that he can go on? I'm deadly serious - he needs to go learn daily life skills and I would happily pay someone to properly teach him. I also think it would be healthier for our relationship and he needs to learn its not just me, these are normal societal expectations. Also - saying its biological/ just men - utter BS. He had lived by himself for a few years before I came along and has gone a little ferral.

For example - He cannot do a wash up properly (everything is still greasey), uses the counter top grill and sees no issue with leaving the grease tray full on the counter for a few days, cannot put things in the bin, leaves a trail of rubbish behind him in the house, leaves mugs and glasses behind him in the house, does not put laundry in the laundry basket, hangs out a wash all crumpled so it never dies, leaves tea bags in the sink, never rinses the sink after he brushes his teeth, does not put the empty loo roll in the bin (he is not 5 and collecting it for a bloody arr project), never puts things away, leaves cupboard doors open, does not wipe down spills properly, leaves the bins until they are a recreation of leaning tower of Pisa, never properly wipes down draining board, doesn't put dishes away properly after he washes up (I have sorted out the cupboards more time than I care to think about), does not use a toilet brush (was a learning point for him when I had to explain that he needs separate gloves and cleaning supplies for the loos in the house). Complains that he cannot find things/ things go missing but never tidies away his things, does DIY but then leaves the stanley knife out open and the cut bits of wire everywhere. I could go on for days.

If you have no children together or financial commitments, I would seriously contemplate ending this. Very unlikely they will change. Have you discussed this? It is very disrespectful you and I could not live with this level of disregard.

Is there anything positive about him? That makes up for all of that shit?

I genuinely thought you was looking for a camp for your pre teen /teenage child 🙈 not a grown adult. How embarrassing for him.

I think best to have a conversation saying you are thinking of ending the relationship because he isn't a equal partner to you. It's very disrespectful. He essentially sees all of what you've mentioned as your job. He assumes you will dedicate your life to running after him cleaning up all his mess.

The thing is I don't think you can motivate someone to change if they don't already find it embarrassing their own level of incompetence. It has to come from him. Unfortunately he just isn't ready for a equal adult relationship and needs to face the consequences of not being mature enough,not be reaping the benefits from being with you.

Adhd medication. I wish i wasn’t suggesting it because I am convinced adhd is related to trauma, anxiety and poor sleep, but give it a go

There really isn't a great deal of skill in domestic work. Some knowledge perhaps regarding most effective products and techniques, but otherwise its very straightforward. Your H isn't in need of training, he is lazy with low standards and has embraced the sexist myth that housework is too difficult for men and requires a woman's 'special skill'. Unfortunately you are encouraging that by framing it as something he needs to be taught when the problem is he is deliberately doing it badly because he can't be bothered and thinks you will stop asking him.

he doesn't need to change. He wont change. Either you change your expectations or accept you are incompatible.

I would also try to make peace with this and accept its just how he is or end the relationship. Nobody 'can't' do the things you've described, they're just not important to him. I heard a wise man once say that a marriage can survive an affair, it can even survive the death of a child, it can't survive the toothpaste cap being left off though, so fix the little things.

OP you've described my partner. Although there is an absence of DIY.
I feel your pain.
If your partner has other attributes that balance out the negatives then maybe it's worth staying with him.
Otherwise I'm afraid it's game over.
It will rob you of any respect you have for him and you will end up having contempt and a horrible relationship.

@Happyinarcon do you think there is an element of ADHD or similar?

Putting rubbish in the bin is such a simple concept that a 2 year old can do it.

He knows full well, he just wants you to do it all. Get rid!

I really disagree with a lot of these posts and I understand where OP is coming from. Of course, no adult should need to have housekeeping lessons, that is obvious. But it is also abundantly clear from thread after thread on here ( and the wider world, including academic studies) that a large proportion of men do not engage with domestic tasks properly.

Yes, the underlying reasons men do not do housework, or do not do it properly, are systemic issues such the patriarchy or issues unique to the individual such as ADHD or dyspraxia or bone idleness. But that doesn’t mean you have to shrug your shoulders and say it’s not possible for an adult to change. Adults learn new things all the time.

I also strongly disagree that housework is easy and something any toddler could learn to do. Some things require you to be quite dexterous (Eg. Putting on a duvet cover) other things require you to understand and put into practice a process with steps (Eg. Mopping a floor). And all household tasks require you to understand what needs doing, when, how often and the discipline and organisational skills to keep on doing them regularly even when distracted, tired or busy with kids, work or a social life. So, no, housework is not easy at all. That is why so many people struggle with it, men and women.

As women, we have years and years of exposure to housework before we have to take it on for ourselves. Many girls are actively taught what it involves and are gradually expected to take on responsibility. Even in families where this does not happen, examples of women doing housework are all around you from earliest childhood from your grandmother to adverts, films and tv programmes. In almost every tv sitcom the woman is busy doing small household tasks as she talks. Nobody remarks on this because it is so ‘normal’. This is how girls learn how to do housework.

We really need to stop repeating the idea that housework is easy. That minimises what we do. It actually takes up a lot of our headspace, our time and energy and although we have forgotten the process (partly because we have been told it is unimportant) it is something we took quite a long time to learn how to do.

Until parents and wider society fully take on the job of teaching men how to manage a home then we need housework boot camps. You all know it!

Unbelievable 🙄

Personally I would get the ick and move on. Cleaning is undervalued generally both commercially and within a home. You could probably pay an understanding cleaner by the hour to teach him but maybe throw this one back.

So he’s a man-baby - useless and dependent. Thinks it’s his mummy’s job to clear up after him.

I would be giving regular bollockings about selfishness, sexism and not being a pathetic wet wipe. Or just LTB. That would be my ‘boot camp’.

Cleaning tasks for most people are not hard , they are boring, repetitive, have to be done.No one notices or thanks you for it, it requires commitment and willingness, valuing your partner and environment and a sense if being a functioning adult.
Some people really do not care about mess and detritus, it's up to you if you want to live with someone like this.
He doesn't need a boot camp , he just needs the willingness.

Get some of those YouTube videos about house cleaning. Watch them together and make him realise this matters. Then put a list of chores on the wall so you both know who is responsible for 'clean kitchen' and 'take out trash' each day.

He can learn but needs to learn in your house and your context. A course away won't help much.

If you're at the level of "he needs separate gloves and cleaning supplies for the loos in the house" and he can't put stuff in the bin I don't think it's ever going to work. You're just poles apart.

These aren't things that an adult should need to be taught, as such I very much doubt there is a course where someone explains to adults that rubbish goes in a bin.

He either doesn't care or is ND and is incapable, neither of those things will change. Have a think about how long want to live with this.

If OP's partner wanted to learn how to do these tasks, he could ask her for tips, or look online, or apply a bit of common sense

And, I think we sometimes need to bite our tongues when people don't do certain tasks our way eg folding towels

But, fundamentally, when a man fails to pull his weight, it's a sign of (lack of) respect

He knows how to but chooses not to. Put up with it and let your feelings of hate and contempt grow until you go bang - or throw him back and enjoy the wonder of living alone with a clean house and no man-child.

From your post, I don't get the impression he wants to change. It sounds like he has low standards for cleaning and would rather do a shit job so he doesn't get asked to do it again. Even very young children can learn to put their rubbish in a bin, so there's a reason or thought process behind why he's choosing not to do it at home. I would think that's more something you'd need to address in couple's therapy rather than a cleaning bootcamp.

He doesn't put his rubbish in the bin.

We're not talking keeping house at a stately home here.

If he was writing this post acknowledging that he has an issue and asking for tips to get things in order (as you often see women do on here, and people give very helpful advice), then there might be hope.

But he isn't asking for help, you are.

Therein lies the problem.

A complete inability/unwillingness to take responsibility.

You'll save yourself a lifetime of problems if you bin him and find someone who actually wants to be an equal partner, especially if you want children (I'm assuming you don't have any yet since not mentioned).

Don't have children with this man. The problems you're having, serious as they are, will be magnified 100 times if you add children to the equation. And you will be even more exhausted and stressed and the scales will fall from your eyes and any love/affection you have for this man will die entirely. Because you'll step up and he won't. And you'll realise that he just doesn't care enough about you or the kids to make even the most cursory effort to alleviate your stress and exhaustion.

Speaking as someone living with similar I would say that my partner is very lazy, has very low standards re housekeeping and just doesn't notice , doesn't see and doesn't care .
As opposed to deliberately doing stuff badly so as not to be asked again.
Fine difference I know.
His brain doesn't work in the same way as mine - who leaves a soaking wet dishcloth in a ball behind the tap or puts his equally soaking flannel on top of the dry towel on the side of the bath. Puts the milk prone on the shelf in the fridge with a losely attached lid?
I think a boot camp would help. He once came back from a work course on H&S enthusiastically telling me thst you shouldn't put raw meat that might drip on an upper shelf in the fridge.
Who knew.

Yep, it’s textbook, inability to complete tasks or even notice they need doing, zero attention to detail, everything is chaotic or slapdash, inability to prioritise, zero planning or any executive functioning etc. It’s like asking someone who just ran away from a lion to sit down and do a crossword, their brain is just in a different mode.
Ideally OP’s hubby would focus on reducing his stress, switch off the fight or flight mode which would improve his sleep quality and then his brain would start functioning better. But in the meantime adhd meds will work quickly and effectively. Some antidepressants are also know to help with adhd and are probably easier to access.