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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going away with DH tomorrow...

32 replies

Atbreakingpoint88 · 18/07/2024 20:31

And absolutely deading it and seriously considering not going!

We've been in a rough patch for a while although have been getting better for a few weeks.

We have a childfree trip with some friends planned this weekend (DC are 9 and 4 and a combination of grand parents are having them so I appreciate how lucky we are on that front)

However today I have been shouted at, called names (including an idiot/thick and a few others I can't repeat) all because I;

Finished work later than he wanted me to (I finish at 5 but had started work earlier so logged off at 430 - that was too late apparently)

Didn't know he wanted to take his keys when we walked to go and pick up the children as he wanted to gey something out of his car, so when I said I had mine apparently that was me being aggressive

Dared to shower one child and have the other waiting while I dried the first ones hair rather than let them shower alone

Shouted in my face when I dared ro argue that all I had said about the keys was that I already had mine, he could have explained why he wanted to take his, apparently I shouldn't queation what he wants to do

I am literally dreading going tomorrow and am currently thinking of excuses why I don't go!

OP posts:
JulietSierra · 18/07/2024 20:32

Please don’t go, he sounds absolute nightmare. So sorry you’re in this situation.

TowerRavenSeven · 18/07/2024 20:33

Yanbu and frankly the only place I would be going is to see a good divorce lawyer!

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2024 20:44

You don’t need an excuse. Tell him he’s a nasty bully and you’re not putting on a show for a whole weekend so people think he’s a decent human being. Tell friends you’re ill or that your husband is a nasty bully and you can’t face it. Call a lawyer in the morning.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2024 20:46

Shouted in my face

Tell him you have a migraine/diarrhea/and attack of gout/anything, don't go and spend the time getting your ducks in a row. See a lawyer, get all the financial information you can and contact Women's Aid, for a start.

PonyPatter44 · 18/07/2024 20:47

Just tell him you aren't going and he bloody knows why. Then spend your weekend without him researching how much better your life would be without a shouty wanker in it.

LividLost · 18/07/2024 20:48

Is this normal for him?

Are you always walking on eggshells?

Has he acknowledged there's a problem?

What's your financial status? How easy will it be for you to extricate yourself?

Heronwatcher · 18/07/2024 20:48

Tell him to go on his own and then change the locks whilst he’s away. This isn’t normal, he’s an abusive dick.

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/07/2024 20:57

WTF?

"Absolutely dreading it" is the phrase you used.

Don't go. Or use this as a moment to leave your abusive relationship. Let him go on his own. Or let him think you're going too then get away from him.

Pack up and leave.

Dinosweetpea · 18/07/2024 21:00

Let him go alone - pack your bags and leave him.

Original poster
Atbreakingpoint88 · 18/07/2024 21:25

This is pretty normal although as I said we have been getting better for a while but it's gone back tonight

If someone doesn't do something his way or how he thinks it should be done he can't deal with it

Take for example reversing onto our drive. We have an awkward drive to park on so I do always reverse onto it (I can reverse off it which he cannot get his round) but because I have to reverse on in my own way he can't deal with it and says I refuse to learn his way which in his opinion is better

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 18/07/2024 21:28

Atbreakingpoint88 · 18/07/2024 21:25

This is pretty normal although as I said we have been getting better for a while but it's gone back tonight

If someone doesn't do something his way or how he thinks it should be done he can't deal with it

Take for example reversing onto our drive. We have an awkward drive to park on so I do always reverse onto it (I can reverse off it which he cannot get his round) but because I have to reverse on in my own way he can't deal with it and says I refuse to learn his way which in his opinion is better

Tell me why you’re with him? Presumably the kids overhear/witness his shitty behaviour to you?

DontBiteTheCat · 18/07/2024 21:30

Let him go alone and spend the weekend getting everything together so that you can divorce him.

He sounds vile.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/07/2024 21:33

Don't go.
He, both sets of grandparents and your friends will know and understand why, if this is his usual MO.
Your self esteem must be taking a hammering.
If he hasn't changed, you should. For the sake of yourself and your DC.💐

jackstini · 18/07/2024 21:34

He's a controlling arsehole who won't let you be yourself

You know you're better off without him

Even though it's a big step - you know you'll breath a massive sigh of relief when you decide to leave him

Stop walking on eggshells and walk forward Flowers

PumpkinPie2016 · 18/07/2024 21:51

He sounds awful 😔

Just tell him you're not going - either tell him you have a stomach bug or tell him the truth - you don't want to go away with him being so unpleasant all the time.

You can tell the friends you are ill.

Then, I would seriously spend the weekend starting to get your ducks in a row.

xyz111 · 18/07/2024 21:55

Everyone goes through rough patches, but how he is isn't normal. Please look at leaving him. It won't get better.

Ohnobackagain · 18/07/2024 22:01

@Atbreakingpoint88 here’s your excuse “no DH, I’m not going to spend the weekend with someone who calls me names and says everything’s his way or the highway, why would I do that, I’m going to have a lovely quiet weekend on my own, then I’m getting a divorce, byeee”.

only half joking. Feign a migraine/d&v so you don’t want to infect everyone and can’t look after the kids and think about what you want to do in peace.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 18/07/2024 22:03

Has he arranged this weekend OP, or did you? If you don't go, is he likely to go mad at you?

If that's likely to be the case, and there's any chance that he might get violent, then I would tell him that you're not feeling well, and don't feel able to go, at the point where you're dropping the kids off, as there will be someone else to intervene if he gets nasty.

Do you think he will go alone, or will he insist you go regardless of 'not feeling well'?

It sounds like this is a really bad relationship and that it's time to put an end to it OP. So if you can manage to get him to go alone, I'd be spending the weekend making plans as to how you're going to get away from him, and put them into action a.s.a.p.

EatTheGnome · 18/07/2024 22:24

Imagine not going. Having the house to yourself. Is it peaceful? Are you happy? Do you see where I'm going with this?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2024 22:28

What a horrible environment to raise your children in. Your poor kids. Tell him you're not going because you're busy planning your divorce.

TokyoSushi · 18/07/2024 22:31

Good grief, this isn't a rough patch, he's a nasty abusive bully.

Don't go. Say you're ill, or tell him why. Send him and spend three weekend planning to leave.

JMSA · 18/07/2024 22:32

I'm so sorry, OP Sad

XChrome · 18/07/2024 22:38

TokyoSushi · 18/07/2024 22:31

Good grief, this isn't a rough patch, he's a nasty abusive bully.

Don't go. Say you're ill, or tell him why. Send him and spend three weekend planning to leave.

This. Or have the locks changed and put his clothes outside the door (with a "Fuck off I'm getting a divorce" note on top) for when he returns.

Noseybookworm · 18/07/2024 22:55

I definitely wouldn't be going away with him and I wouldn't try and think of excuses - I'd tell him I'm not going away with him because he's an ARSEHOLE!

If this is normal for you to be shouted at and called vile names for ridiculous things, you are in a relationship with a nasty bully. That is what he is. You need to think long and hard about why you are staying with him. And think about the example being set for your children of what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not good for you or them 😔

Original poster
Atbreakingpoint88 · 18/07/2024 23:04

The trip was kind of planned by both of us although it'd to do with his hobby and over his birthday weekend so more for him

He tried to offer a peace offering tonight and I tried talking to him but it's all been turned round on me saying that everytime we try and do something nice I ruin it. According to him I have now ruined the whole weekend

OP posts: