AIBU to not care about pleasantries with colleagues?

[mamabeeboo]

Just wanting some opinions on this.

We are a team of 8 and all work remotely, since the pandemic. Each week, we have a one hour team call where we 'don't talk about work'. We also have a whatsapp group.

This is a one hour call to replace the office coffee chat, where we share photos on our whatsapp group about our 'highlights' of the week - holiday photos, the kids in the park, birthdays, netflix recommendations etc.

I find it very superficial. I don't like sharing photos of my kids or personal life, and to be honest, I don't really care about anyone else's personal life. I don't even download any of their photos to my phone. I listen politely but the whole call is very boring for me. When it's my turn to speak, I blag a short 'I did this, it was nice', 60 secs max.

I've suggested to management to do this every 2 weeks, answer no. I have suggested that I want to only attend sometimes, and was met with 'please try to prioritise this call, since we work remotely and it's the way to get to know the team'.

I am used to the office chit-chat over coffee about nice weather and traffic complaints. That's it.

AIBU to not care about colleagues' personal life and want to not join these calls?

I'd only say YABU if you go into the office and give your colleagues the cold shoulder. But why have a mandated chit chat teams meet

We have half an hour a week and it's drop in if you like. I try to as I catch up with people in the team who I don't often crossover with too much. They're all nice and I'd go out for lunch with them if we shared an office. It also helps the newer starters to feel more settled I think.

Also, we don't have to talk about ourselves. We often talk about interesting things we've watched/read/heard

@MrsTerryPratchett

"Mark my words, 5 years from now, if everyone's jobs are FT WFH there will be a wave of MH issues, fewer marriages (loads of people meet at work), fewer meaningful friendships, and it will affect us."

The affects are already here. I honestly think full time, or mostly full time WFH, is a disaster in the making. A large proportion of people I know met their future partners at work. Work colleagues also made up a significant section of their friendship group. There were (optional) social events throughout the year and sometimes just spontaneous things in the office, shared experiences, that got everyone laughing/talking. These days, time and again I read of very lonely and isolated young people. It used to be the elderly in this boat. Now it's 30 somethings, many of them desperately looking for love or even just friends online.

Mark my words, 5 years from now, if everyone's jobs are FT WFH there will be a wave of MH issues, fewer marriages (loads of people meet at work), fewer meaningful friendships, and it will affect us.

Do you think MH issues will increase? After giving this some thought recently I feel like they may stay at a similar level, only the pendulum will swing to the other side and it will be a different type of person who struggles to cope.

The way society has been functioning for the last few hundred (or thousand?) years is not optimal for people who are introverted and don't require high levels of socialisation, and in fact causes them high levels of stress, mental health issues and burnout.

Perhaps as technological advancement moves us towards a more isolated societal framework, these people, who currently have to work out coping strategies to exist in society, will get mentally healthier while extroverts struggle.

Wow really. I don't see this at all - I don't know of many colleagues who have become firm friends outside of work. Most have social groups built from hobbies, childhood friendships, family connections etc.

But if you never leave the house to go to work how do you ever find the people that you want to chat to?
What happens when you change jobs and it’s a team of strangers? And everyone thinks like you and can’t be arsed to give any time to getting to know you? Because they already have their little group of mates?
Relationships take effort. Sometimes they take listening to things that you’re not that interested in. Giving some of your time.
I just find all this antisocial whining so depressing.
An hour a week or your work time (presumably not in your own unpaid time??) is not a lot to ask.

Ugh this sounds awful and a complete waste of time, and another reason I love working from home! 15mins at the start of a proper meeting about work stuff is all you need, just a how is everyone, any news you want to share, no worries if not. Work people don’t have to be your close buddies. That’s what a work-life balance is for. I’d just start not turning up to them and saying I had a migraine.

Do you think MH issues will increase? After giving this some thought recently I feel like they may stay at a similar level, only the pendulum will swing to the other side and it will be a different type of person who struggles to cope.

I do. Evolutionarily, humans are social animals. And although some people need and want less social connection, it is one of the protective factors against MH issues. Doesn't have to be a lot, but it needs to be significant. Things like anxiety aren't treated by avoidance. In the short term, it seems good. Longer term it's damaging.

Wow really. I don't see this at all - I don't know of many colleagues who have become firm friends outside of work. Most have social groups built from hobbies, childhood friendships, family connections etc.

This might be true of people who don't move further than 5 miles from their parents. If you move, ever, you need to make new friends. Hobbies are great but work is too!

Omg an HOUR every single week!

I don’t speak to my own mother for an hour every single week and I really really like her!

Why on earth is there this forced nonsense? It’s a JOB.

I would hate this.

With the best will in the world, you aren't going to build a social group based on old school friends or family if you've moved from Manchester to Brighton for example. I live in a large city and our local forums are full of young professionals who moved here and have lived here for some time but aren't making connections. People don't stay in the same place as they used to. Couple that with WFH and you've got a very isolated and disconnected society in the making.

They're getting paid for an hour to chat & listen. Why would it affect their mental health?

I do. Evolutionarily, humans are social animals. And although some people need and want less social connection, it is one of the protective factors against MH issues. Doesn't have to be a lot, but it needs to be significant. Things like anxiety aren't treated by avoidance. In the short term, it seems good. Longer term it's damaging.

I guess to me, if someone needs significant connection to support their mental health, then the onus is on them to seek this out socially (hobbies, groups, family etc) not rely on a collegue to fulfil this need.

Not sure where anxiety and avoidance comes into it. That is a totally different ball game to introversion and ND communication styles.

Most of my closest friends have been made through work. Not all.

I'm still in touch with some of my childhood friends but I haven't lived in the area where I grew up since I was 18. They have all moved away too, so I don't see them often. Same with my uni friends - still in touch but not in frequent contact.

I don't have any friends through family connections, unless you count people I have met through my DH (ie his friends or the partners of his friends etc). We are all scattered across the country/world so not really very likely to make friends through each other.

Hobbies? Yes, I am close to a couple of people who I've met through volunteering.

But my closest friends are undoubtedly the ones that I've met through work...not including anyone that I currently work with, as it happens, because I am "the boss" and prefer to keep a bit of distance, but lots of them are definitely very good friends with each other.

This is completely normal amongst the people I know... you spend a lot of time with the people you work with, you work together towards shared goals, you experience shared challenges and triumphs, you have a good laugh together. It's pretty easy to become friends...

It’s for an hour a week and a way to combat loneliness

suck it up

ps I do talk about kids, kitchens, politics and Netflix with my colleagues when I’m in the office. If you don’t want to talk about your kids in your 60 second bit then don’t

You say it's 60 secs max, no big deal surely. Think you have to tune out for the rest

It sounds like we have had very different workplace experiences! I guess that could show that the perfect solution then would be for employers to offer the sessions but not make them mandatory, so that both those who want to befriend colleagues, and those that want to stay strictly professional, are both catered to.

But why would they remain on a work app?

An hour???? Nightmare

If you work full time, you spend an awful lot of your waking hours at work. It's much more enjoyable if you are able to do that with people that you regard as friends.

Yes, as I said above, I would find this kind of forced interaction a bit awkward. But I wouldn't personally ever choose to work in a wfh job.

It's very forced and kind of counterintuitive, as the conversation doesn't flow as it does in real life.

You have to wait for people to finish their sentence, each person takes a turn at talking, no little cliquey conversations begin like they do in real life, all those little squares looking at you, etc.

But what's your alternative? In office chit chats?

Did you miss the bit where the OP says she does NOT want to partake in this bullshit?

And by forcibly having to attending this crap, it can and probably IS affecting the OPs mental health. 🙄🤦‍♂️

@HelplessSoul yes but a lot of what you have to do at work people don't often like or enjoy.
If it's affecting someone's mental health then they should seek help (which I had to do when I couldn't cope at work).

Yes, but what the OP is discussing here, in work time, is NOT work at all.

Its off-topic BS and divulging personal stuff, which the OP doesnt want to do, nor should be forced to.

Your remark would carry more weight if this was actually work related, but it isnt.

Its an hour of forced chatting shit time.

I agree and I am not a chit chatter. The challenge is that if it becomes optional, the people who really need it will suffer. Perhaps reframe it as being part of your job, social responsibility or something. If the minutiae of people's lives is boring can you do something else, virtual quiz/virtual bingo. It will be a lifeline to some people in your organisation.