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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very silly I know but been bugging me for 8months!

40 replies

WombFor1More · 12/04/2008 13:17

When I had dd 8.5months ago dp ended up delivering her as was a v.quick hb, mw missed it by 5mins. Anyway when all our guests/visitors all turned up in the following days/weeks they all bought dp something, usually alcohol or chocs for him having done such a great job and they all bought dd something whilst I got bugger all!

I know it sounds really silly but I was having this discussion with someone and they just told me not to be so stupid

AIBU to expect a little appreciation for all the extremely hard and painful work I did???

(Only really thinking about it now as I'm due again in Sept)

OP posts:
Nyeh · 12/04/2008 13:21

Mums tend to get bugger all for birth. Always baby clothes, teddies, sod all else. I think your DP was an exception because he did something more unusual.

Just kick off lots now about wanting stuff for you next time

I got pissed off because I had flowers when DD was born (hmm, so I did get something), and there were too many in our flat and I felt trapped by them.

People remembered that for DS and didn't buy any. I sobbed.

Women are allowed to feel however the hell they want about what happens after the birth, so no, not being silly at all

tissy · 12/04/2008 13:21

I don't recall getting any presents for me when dd was born. I think it is sweet that you have friends who appreciate that dh was probably terrified when he had to deliver your dd without any assistance; it's not a job that husbands/ partners expect to have to do!

YABU

Stais86 · 12/04/2008 13:22

God no your not being unreasonable!!! Yes he deserves a pat on the back for delivering baby mut have been an amazing experience but you deserve just as much if not more because if it wasn't for you he couldn't have done anything and you are the one who had to deal with the pain and were probably the opne keeping him right on what to do! I would be annoyed to if I were you.

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 13:24

YABU. let him take some of the credit. Everyone will know that you did a fab job.

RubySlippers · 12/04/2008 13:26

i always get a little something for the mum, as well as the baby

Nyeh · 12/04/2008 13:26

I love the 50/50 split here

ItsNotYouItsMe · 12/04/2008 13:28

YANBU. Flynnie what exactly should her DP be getting credit for?

My MIL bought me some nice bath things and chocolates after the birth. And champagne, that we have yet to open. Very nice of her, I thought.

ItsNotYouItsMe · 12/04/2008 13:29

Oh sorry I see.

Mind you, what else could he do?!

[harsh!]

lulumama · 12/04/2008 13:29

agree with tissy , this was an unusual situation and although it is a bit irksome that the mothers' role is taken for granted, he deserves some recognition for what he did

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 13:29

Nah, he didn't do a fab job, you did.
I get very annoyed when the "doctor delivered the baby", no he bloody didn't I did! He just happened to assist, but I went through all the contractions and pushing.
For what it's worth, I have given someone a handbag when they delivered their first (not sure how much she cared at the time - it was before I'd had children myself and I suppose I wanted her to know that I saw her as more than a Mum). I got chocolates, but DH and my Dad ate them all. Which really made me , but there you go. I suppose I've forgiven them now.

Nyeh · 12/04/2008 13:30

I think that they should have both got something though, not just him

onepieceoflollipop · 12/04/2008 13:32

If he hasn't been sharing the chocolates and alcohol with you then he should be.

I must admit if I heard that a friend's dp/dh had had to "be the midwife" then I may well have got a little something for him. I often buy the mum and the baby a small present.

Trolleydolly71 · 12/04/2008 13:42

Message withdrawn

LouiseAnn · 12/04/2008 13:47

YANBU. I sometimes got quite cross over things like that. Sometimes you have to spell out what you would like from friemds and family. Let them know (in a nice way if you can) that you felt left out last time. they probably didn't realise what they were doing.
I had a similar situation with Mothers Day last year. I did lots of looking after my Mum and my MIL and only in the afternoon did I realise I hadn't had a card or flowers or present! I made a fuss afterwards and this year got the lot, including breakfast in bed!

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 14:05

Having a baby is hard and painful work. I well know that but it is also hard for the husbands/partners. just in a different way. On top of that the ops dp delivered the baby. I think that is pretty great and praiseworthy.

I just know I wouldnt begrudge my dh the attention.

Nyeh · 12/04/2008 14:42

She isn't begrudging him the attention. She hasn't said she doesn't want him to have anything, she just wants to be noticed too.

Original poster
WombFor1More · 12/04/2008 15:01

Oh, no, I don't mean I didn't want him to get a pat on the back and some appreciation at all. I even phoned the local paper to tell them what a hero he was! I just meant it would have been nice to have felt in the least bit appreciated for my efforts too. Afterall I was there also

It seems a lot of the time that people tend to forget mum in all the excitement.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 15:03

TrolleyDolly - my DH read an article about "push presents" which is the trend for men in the USA to buy their DP/DW jewellery after the have given birth. He asked my opinion, and I told him that even though I wasn't into diamonds myself, that I certainly didn't think that it was a bad idea. He was quite shocked.
I personally think that as I went through Hell to allow us to have our adorable little girl that there should be some kind of grovelling gratitude. But poor DH was so traumatised himself that he was in no fit state.
Hopefully next time will be different.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 15:04

TrolleyDolly - my DH read an article about "push presents" which is the trend for men in the USA to buy their DP/DW jewellery after the have given birth. He asked my opinion, and I told him that even though I wasn't into diamonds myself, that I certainly didn't think that it was a bad idea. He was quite shocked.
I personally think that as I went through Hell to allow us to have our adorable little girl that there should be some kind of grovelling gratitude. But poor DH was so traumatised himself that he was in no fit state.
Hopefully this time will be different.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 15:04

Oops!

bubblagirl · 12/04/2008 15:24

I think you shouldn't expect presents as it's normal for women to give birth and get all attention when pregnant and fathers get no attention what he did was amazing and what you did was amazing but why expect presents for it i didn't expect anything men do get presents as they usually end up feeling like a spare part while constantly reminded we carried baby we gave birth i feel sorry for the men

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 15:26

Womb. Sorry didnt mean to imply that you had begrudged your dp at all. You should have more then the lionshare of the attention and more then mere appreciated.

Flynnie · 12/04/2008 15:27

sorry meant appreciation.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 15:29

You're kidding me! Women don't get all the attention, the baby gets all the attention. And the woman is expected to entertain visitors endlessly, and not mind that she has to make tea and polite noises while she feels like she's been run over by a steam roller.
At least, that's how it works in our family.
DH was hardly left out, as he did all the phoning around to tell everyone that DD was here and therefore got all the congratulations.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/04/2008 15:31

And I did give birth. It was without question the worst experience of my life. Why shouldn't he/everyone pay me some attention and act like it's a big deal???