To be annoyed about this question

[Pedros]

When you someone finds out a loved one has died young/unexpectedly and they straight away ask “what happened?”

its so intrusive! I don’t need to tell you all the details of one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. It’s none of your business.

I know I am tetchy about it because it’s somewhat raw for me but.. I still think it’s rude, I would never have asked someone this.

& yes, someone did ask me this today, and yes I told them exactly why it wasn’t their business

If people are vague it's usually because someone's committed suicide. If the death is due to an illness or accident it's often stated.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This question is a common reaction, and a natural, empathic one.

I think it nosey but that’s just me perhaps

I'm so sorry for your loss. Humans natural reaction is curiosity, and rarely is there animosity attached.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I don't think people are trying to intrude. I think they're simply trying to show interest and concern, and maybe they don't know what else to say.

Some people will want to talk about what happened to their loved ones. Some people won't. There isn't any right or wrong in this.

If you would rather not discuss it, I think the vast majority of people would respect a simple "I'd rather not talk about it please".

I think it's weird not to tell.

Of course someone is going to want to know what happened to their loved one.

I think it would depend how close I was to them. A very good friend or relative, I'd probably ask. A casual acquaintance, I'd offer my condolences and assume they'll tell me if they want me to know.

So sorry for your loss 💐

I think it's a "natural" question and not meant to be hurtful.
Also, talking about what happened is a big part of the grieving process, but of course only when you're ready you can't be forced to talk or even think about it when it's too raw.

So sorry for your loss it is truly heartbreaking. People are usually shocked when its unexpected so say it automatically. I'm sure nobody means to be offensive or to pry

I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick and I perhaps didn’t phrase it well.

I mean it as in “why are you asking me how my loved one died when it doesn’t make any difference to you”

I think maybe this one depends on what did happen. An illness which people would recognise would almost always been mentioned by name, something more obscure maybe still referred to but not named. Sudden deaths involving accidents or other catastrophic events I can see it would vary widely in what people would say/announce. The "what happened!?" question is a natural reaction I think, but the way it is received would depend on many factors. What would be definitely rude would be to pry beyond that, and you'd hope most people would sense if it was going to be a unwelcome question in the first place and stop themselves asking (although clearly not in all cases, I'm sorry op ☹️).

I'm really sorry for your loss, life can be so cruel sometimes xx

Sorry for your loss OP. Personally,this question wouldn't annoy me,but that's just me, everyone reacts differently. The comment that DOES annoy me when someone has died is when they ask how old they were,and I say for example,75,they 'Oh they had a good innings'. Really? I don't actually think that anything under 80 is particularly old nowadays.

I know how you feel, a close friend of mine died recently and she was quite a private person and I don't think she would have liked everyone knowing all the details. Also she was very obese and the way she died was related to that and I know she would have hated people judging and it's been quite hurtful to me too a couple of comments have sounded a bit like well what did she expect which is maybe true but also upsetting because it still hurts.
I think it's a normal question for people to ask though but it you don't feel like going into details just say that.

I think it's part blurting out their first thought, part not knowing what to say and part genuinely polite conversation. I don't think it's necessarily rude.

If you don't want to share details, I think something vague like "it was sudden" or "they'd been ill for a while" should suffice. More questioning at that point would indeed be rude.

I was about to post along those lines. Hearing such news generally throws people off balance, so they tend to just blurt something out.

The vague responses above are perfect if you don't want to go into it. I'm not sure that variations on 'it's none of your business' are deserved, but hopefully the person will have put it down to your grief.

I'm very sorry that you've lost someone dear to you.

People don't know what to say OP, and when we don't know what to say we often fall back on a question. I'm sorry this causes you more pain. But everyone's different and other people (me included) wouldn't/didn't take it that way when asked. Personally I was just grateful people engaged with me at all, as the hardest for me were those who got away as fast as they could because they didn't know what to say and avoided me afterwards.

Also - too much around death is taboo, so frank discussion is to be encouraged IMO. And often the bereaved find it helpful to talk through what happened, I don't think signalling you're willing to talk is a bad thing.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's a fairly normal question though as part of a reciprocal conversation. What do you expect them to do, ignore what you've said and change the subject?

You don't need to disclose the exact details- they died after a long/ sudden illness or an accident etc.

When an elderly person dies it's to be expected. When someone young dies, it's not and so there's a story behind it. Humans have a need to understand in order to have a sense of completion themselves. Whether it makes any difference to their lives - yes and no. The act of telling can help us come to terms with it too. But saying it out loud makes it real and sometimes we're not ready for that - even years later. Sorry for your loss OP

How are they finding out about it in the first place, though? Are you telling them?

You can't drop that kind of bombshell into a conversation and then expect people to assume you don't want to talk about it.

And people don't have to be affected by someone's dead to be interested, in an empathic rather than nosey way.

I am sure it was meant as an oh how awful what happened rather than an oo how intriguing tell me all the details way.

It's a natural question, imo, and not meant as intrusive at all. Of course people wonder what happened, when someone dies young.

If you don't want to say, just say you'd rather not say. I'm sure nobody would bother. But I don't know why you'd be secretive about it. If someone knows someone who has died, it helps to get closure when they know what happened.

It's only natural to ask why and empathise as a young person dying is against the natural order.

I can't imagine anyone asking with bad intentions but I understand why it's not something you want to explain and feel like people are being nosey.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I think people feel it's rude to be silent. As it's mentioned to them, they feel like asking is having empathy. Happens to me all the time.

Never thought of it as rude, if a little intrusive.

I am so sorry for your loss. I knew when my son died in an accident aged 22 I had to tell most of his friends that he had died and it was only natural that the next question from them was "what happened" and I had no issues telling them that he was hit by a car and it made it easier by being open and honest with everyone even though yeah nobody needed to know I suppose. I think it made it easier for people to know what they could or couldn't say to me in what is already a very difficult time for me and my family and I needed all the support I could get. I will say though that however you deal with your loss is very valid and it's up to nobody else to tell you that you aren't doing it right, I made it absolutely clear that I did not want any sympathy cards or flowers or people telling me how sorry they were or how awful it is, it made me irrationally angry because of course I bloody knew how awful and shit it was I didn't need people turning up with sad faces and cards. I do realise though that people do feel the need to reach out and comfort others and that maybe I wasn't being very fair on the people that wanted to do that and I did apologise for being a bit cold about all that but ultimately it wasn't on me to let people do what they wanted at my own expense. It's a very difficult time and you will find your patience for people and things is very low and people piss you off more than usual. I have no words to make any of this better because there aren't any but I'm thinking of you xx