To be annoyed about this question

[Pedros]

When you someone finds out a loved one has died young/unexpectedly and they straight away ask “what happened?”

its so intrusive! I don’t need to tell you all the details of one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. It’s none of your business.

I know I am tetchy about it because it’s somewhat raw for me but.. I still think it’s rude, I would never have asked someone this.

& yes, someone did ask me this today, and yes I told them exactly why it wasn’t their business

I'm sorry for your loss, its obviously still raw for you 💐

I was the complete opposite and was most put out when people just offered condolences and showed no further interest.
I think it's very difficult when faced with an earlier death than expected, especially when there has not been a lengthy illness, and people just don't know how to handle it.
I was very open and just thanked people then told them what a shock it was that DH literally dropped dead one day despite being (what we thought was) super healthy. I just thought it not only nipped any wild thoughts in the bud, but helped drive home how precious life is.

Try not to take it to heart OP, it comes from a good place x

People are interested in causes of death. We're all going to end up with one of them eventually. When my daughter died people asked and I told them. Better than them thinking they commited suicide, which is where the mind goes I think. Being young goes against the natural order and more of a shock I think.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's a difficult time when it's raw especially.

This. I agree, when someone dies young it's against the norm so perfectly understandable that people would ask how and the circumstances

I am very sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss OP, whatever the circumstances it's never easy.

I'd always hope such a question is coming from a place of kindness, or at worst neutrality. When we say someone died "unexpectedly", I think that's the crux - it wasn't expected, so in the most basic of terms there probably wasn't an obvious illness / health concern that we all knew of, or of an age where it would be realistic. I think its human nature to then try to figure something out, piece together the unknown.

Of course, that doesn't take away your right as the bereaved to choose not to share detail, either because you don't want to for whatever reasons or as another poster suggested with her friend, that your person wouldn't want their private / health information shared.

For what it's worth, I was the visitor once to someone who was bereaved, not quite in a professional capacity but similar. I knew they'd had a "sudden & tragic bereavement" but nothing else, not even whether anyone living with who i was visiting was similarly bereaved. I expressed genuine condolences, and she asked me if I knew what had happened, I said "no, wasn't my place to ask detail before - but happy to listen if you want to talk". She did - and told me of her child, their life, troubles etc. She didn't say an explicit cause of death - I could probably have guessed - but that doesn't change her grief or the situation she's now in.

So, I suppose that's to say, hopefully no-one is meaning to be genuinely intrusive with the question - and that you can have conversations where you can talk of your loved one in a way that's helpful to you. But also that you'll undoubtedly feel rage or anger - even in situations others say is OK, and its OK you feel angry.

Because in some cultures it would be perceived as rude not to enquire. Generally people are trying to respond respectfully and offer space to discuss or not.

A simple suddenly for example would indicate shock, I planned. After long illness then respectfully acknowledgement of that challenge may be appropriate.

It isn't details as such it is to identify appropriate response..

I am very sorry for your loss.

As someone who suffered childhood parental bereavement, I know people often find it very difficult to deal with other people's loss.

I remember once being told a neighbour had passed by her husband, in shock I blurted out 'oh god, you're joking!' he earnestly said he wouldn't joke about such things. Of course I was horrified to have said something insensitive by accident.

I think people almost fear death so much, they immediately want to know how likely it might be to affect them? Like, 'did they die from a disease I have/might have? Was it a complete accident? Is there another pandemic? Were they ill for a long time? Will I suddenly drop down dead, will my family etc?'

All these subconscious things about life preservation go round in people's heads when death sadly occurs.

It's not logical, but people struggle with the whole concept so severely.

I really hope you have plenty of support if you're going through a bereavement. X

Sorry for your loss OP.

A young and not previously ill person dying is unusual, whereas an older person is "normal" and usually illness. People are enquiring because they care. I find it a little odd you didn't say why/how they died.

People don't know what to say but want to show compassion and interest."How sad" or "oh well" doesn't sound like an appropriate reply, too abrupt.

They are trying. It's generally not a big deal, and saying it was accident/ illness is not that private.

Elderly people, it's more expected - just as sad, but not surprising. A 75 year old is unlikely to be a carer. A 40 year old might have a family to support, young children.

My sibling died as a child. The question doesn't annoy me (although obviously the loss is not a fresh one). People are often thrown at hearing such things and if they ask, I accept they're showing natural curiosity and following the convention of a reciprocal conversation, perhaps even showing deference towards what was a sad and unusual event. Equally, they might move swiftly on, because they feel awkward and don't want to upset me or be perceived as prying. I'm quite matter-of-fact about answering on the rare occasions it comes up in conversation.

My mother, although a lot older, died in a more dramatically sudden fashion. I remember people asking me in hushed tones "what happened??" and I had the oddest urge to reply, completely deadpan, "It was a magic mushroom overdose. If I told her once, I told her a thousand times..."

People will reflexively blurt out “oh no, what happened” on hearing someone has died, especially if it’s a young and/or previously healthy person. It’s not purient interest, it’s just being human. They have to acknowledge the statement in some way - it’s kind of dismissive to respond “oh, I’m so sorry to hear that” and simply move on awkwardly to another topic or end the conversation. Obviously it’s perfectly OK not to want to elaborate further and you can say that. Sadly nothing anyone says will be the right thing in this situation. Sorry for your loss.

If you are talking about your loss, then people will ask about your loss. If you don't want them to, then don't introduce the conversation. There are ways around it if you need to say something, but you don't have to specifically say someone young died. You can say "due to bereavement" "family circumstances"

We have conversed in various occasions over the years gamerchick, to wryly chuckle at something, or to politely agree or disagree, and I recognise your name as a sensible, empathetic and funny poster (whereas I am a cowardly name changer). But somehow it had passed me by that you have lost your daughter. I'm a bit mn/generally old school so won't @ you and be intrusive, but just to say - I'm so sorry life has dealt you that shit hand.

It goes without saying that I totally agree with your post on this thread too.

Peace and love to you xx

Sorry for your loss. I think people are trying to show sympathy, it's very hard to strike the right note.
Some bereaved people welcome the opportunity to talk through what happened, other people prefer to keep things private. Unless you know someone very well it's hard to know which way they'd prefer it.

Thats very kind of you, thank you. It's been a horrible year.