If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

I also find this subject fascinating because I suspect if I was a child now I'd have a diagnosis.

I taught myself to read on my own, I refused to let anyone cut my hair so it grew down to my bum, I was painfully shy, I couldn't understand the point of fashionable clothes so I wore the same comfortable jumper every day, I would often get home from school and just burst into tears because I was so overwhelmed. I did really well at school but was often told by my teachers that I had "no common sense".

I often wonder if I'm just repressing things as an adult or whether I've "grown out of it". One thing I do notice is I have a maximum time limit for social situations and after that I basically just shut down. There are certain things like weddings that are longer than this time limit and I'll have to go and just sit on my own. Also I've noticed that if I'm not concentrating then my face will often make the wrong facial expression for what I'm trying to express which people find quite strange. Is this normal? Who knows.

I mean, I appreciate that many non-autistic people will have autistic traits and that inevitably there is a borderline and likely edge cases, but that's why one of the diagnostic criteria is that being autistic/having the symptoms of autism are pervasive. That is, present in every aspect of the self. As I am autistic, there is no part of me that is not affected by autism. Even the people I know- members of my own family- who have some traits but wouldn't meet the diagnostic criteria, the traits they do have seem to be lifelong.

Of course, early intervention and therapy can help reduce the distress caused by autistic traits and symptoms and also treat the various co-morbidities, but "treat" doesn't mean "cure." Learning to cope with a symptom to the extent that it no longer negatively affects you is great, but at the end of the day the underlying symptom is still there. So, in that sense you could theoretically 'outgrow autism,' in the sense that you could learn such effective coping skills that, from an outside perspective, you may no longer meet the criteria.

Even in my own assessment in my teens, I was asked about numerous traits I didn't think I had, because I work around them. A question like "Do you struggle wearing clothing with different textures?" or "Would you be uncomfortable socialising in a formal setting?" would have been met with a "No" simply because I either never put myself in situations where those problems arise or I had devised ways to work around them. That doesn't mean those symptoms aren't present, I just either avoid them or cope with them using specific strategies. As soon as I am faced with inescapable situations, or my coping systems are taken away, I melt down or shut down. Autism is a developmental difference, likely systemic, and even if I were given the chance to give my brain five extra years of growth and development, I would not have the genetic code to develop a non-autistic brain.

If the underlying symptom itself has completely disappeared, you were probably never autistic. That's not to say the issues you had weren't real, or weren't valid, but that autism as it is currently understood is a genetic condition that no studies seem to indicate it to be possible to "grow out of". There may well be a similar condition, as-yet-unrecognised, which fits your experience better- but at the moment, that doesn't match up with what we know of autism spectrum disorders. If what you're saying is that you learned how to cope and you get by in your day-to-day life without any distress or outwardly visible autistic traits being present, than you've learned to cope very well and I acknowledge how difficult that must have been, but I think that's more indicative of being a very well-adjusted autistic adult with low support needs than it is of having "outgrown" a lifelong developmental condition.

No you haven’t.

You’ve developed coping strategies.

You also mask.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have been diagnosed as autistic when I was younger.

I'm 39 now and have also outgrown most of it.

I agree with others saying you can’t out-mask or out-grow autism. The traits chosen in the OP are ones that can be familiar to a lot of NT people and as we grow up we usually leave childhood traits behind. While many autistic people will have grown up and left things behind, they will continue to have struggles because they can’t mature out of autism or will their brains to work differently.

I think it’s unhelpful to think of the spectrum as going from neurotypical > severe autism, the scale is really low needs autism > severe autism. Saying everyone is a bit autistic is like saying everyone has a bit of lung disease because we all get out of breath sometimes

Your list describes some common symptoms of complex ptsd which is often diagnosed mistakenly as autism

I definitely traits and was under mental health team when younger. I almost wish I had been diagnosed (kids have diagnosis) I think my mental health and self esteem would have been so much better. I still have definite traits but now I know my strengths and weakness, how to adapt. I don't need to tolerate social situations I don't like and I dance to my own tune. It's helped me reading about asd and adhd and learning tech questions that have helped my kids which has helped me understand me a bit better

My kids don't really care about their diagnosis as its their private medical info and up to them who they tell. To them the diagnosis helps them understand who they are.

Thank you, so interesting. A PP noted that a criterion for diagnoses is “clinically significant impairment”. So without the difficulties accompanying the traits, is it Autism?
The social model of disability seems relevant here, I’m not quite sure how clinical significance is measured, but I imagine the extent of the ‘impairment’ will depend at least to an extent on the environment the person is in.

DS is autistic as is a cousin. The paternal family is full of strongly autistic traits, particularly evident in the males. I think it is likely that there are several undiagnosed family members who are fortunate to have done well in very technical occupations requiring little social obligation. They survived a traditional education system with lots of routine (church boarding schools) and have been in a good position to arrange low demand lives doing things that interest them and haven't caused them to burn out (and seek diagnosis)

Changes in awareness of autism and the change of pace of life means that some of the younger generation are struggling where older family members coped. DS is very sensory, so things like changes to LED lights and constant background noise in echoey environments consume a lot of his coping capacity and undermine other aspects of life that he can cope with.

Interestingly DH doesn't see the impact of autism on DS as strongly as me- he just sees a typical family member with more bad days than usual.

If someone is autistic (or otherwise ND) it's a life-long difference of neurology, but there can be fluctuations in ability to cope with the world. DS is a teenager and the gap between him and his peers is in a larger phase. At primary school, it opened and closed more frequently. But the nature of his difficulties (and strengths) remains consistent and have done since being a baby. I hope he can arrange his own autism friendly niche in life to allow him a happy adulthood and fortunately he has good skills to make it a viable hope. It won't stop him from being autistic or struggling when there's pressure on his bubble though.

If you grew out of it, it wasn't autism. Autistic brains don't "recover" to become non-autistic brains.

Developmental trauma can look an awful lot like autism though. I wonder if that might have been what you were experiencing?

@Finlandia86 But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

OP, unless you are a medical doctor, or have experience working with young children, or have experience in another related field, I am going to suggest that your opinion is poorly informed.

Some behaviours are normal at some ages and not at others though.
So a toddler repeatedly lining things up/putting everything in order of size is likely going through a normal developmental stage. A six year old obsessively doing this might be a sign of ND
A nine year old with a tic (head shaking, blinking) is fairly common, a 13 year old who hasn't grown out of it on hitting puberty is cause for concern
A tween getting absolutely obsessed with a TV show - normal. An older teenager/woman in her twenties. Less normal.
Teenage going through self righteous, black and white thinking at some point - reasonably normal. Getting stuck at that stage/repeated confusion when life keeps contradicting you...

It sounds like you are remembering different things you did at different times that you then grew out of. Possibly you matured slightly slower in some areas but within the normal range?

A trait in isolation isn't considered specific to autism, but a collection of specific traits present in one individual along with other diagnostic markers may indicate they are on the spectrum. Anxiety disorder along with many other behaviours and traits may indicate a possible ADHD diagnosis for example. Anxiety disorder on its own that responds to treatment and management is an anxiety disorder, but if it is persistent, doesn't respond to any treatment and is part of a bigger set of traits, then it could be ADHD, in which case different support is needed.

Yes this is true - if you took my ds out of mainstream school and put him in a smaller, more nurturing/flexible and less authoritarian/loud/generally anxiety inducing environment he certainly wouldn't appear 'impaired' to the same extent. Though he'd still be autistic.

Having the right scaffolding and support can make a big difference, but that wouldn't mean you're no longer Autistic just that you've found ways to work with it.

I don't agree that a good specialist would have diagnosed OP with Autism. People like to go on about it like they're handing out ND diagnoses like candy, those of us with Autistic kids know the reality. Its a long hard road to getting a diagnosis and many parents fight for years just to get an assessment in the first place. I wish people would F off with this everyone is getting a diagnosis bullshit. I know a lot of ND people because that's the friends I've fit with and other mums of Autistic kids because we have those experiences in common and none of those people are NT, none of their diagnoses we're wrong. Its a lot more complex than a list of symptoms like OP has presented and why you need a specialist to diagnose otherwise you'd go to the GP and they'd just tick a list off and say here's your Autism diagnosis, have a candy 🙄.

As someone with more than one neuro diverse diagnosis I don't think the OP is wrong. Its also difficult as you barely hear of anyone going in for a private test for autism or adhd and getting told that they don't have said condition.

interesting thoughts.
having had my dd go through an ASD diagnosis, and reading extensively about ASD, I am pretty sure I should have a dx too.
I truly believe I am just acting my way through life being how I think people should be. I am actually very good at talking to people, because I know to ask them all about themselves. However, the thought of going to a party by choice fills me with horror. But I accept dinner invitations with "friends" because it's what you do. SO people think I'm doing very well at life , but really, I have no idea who I am, nor what I like.

DD is also becoming 'good at life' gradually too.
So I don't think you grow out of ASD, but you do learn how to present a 'doing well' character.

I can totally relate to this experience, OP, and I do actually have a diagnosis (of the no longer used Asperger’s, aged 15). Looking back at myself as a child, if autism in girls had been better understood I think I would have been diagnosed sooner.

But now, I don’t ‘feel’ autistic about 95% of the time (and I don’t think the 5% that overlaps with autistic experience makes my overall experience on a par with those who really are affected by their autism. As PP have pointed out, you can have traits without meeting the threshold. It’s not just a case of coping better - I genuinely just learned a lot of stuff in my early 20s that a lot of other people seemed to learn a lot younger (like small talk and navigating social groups and actually building relationships with people, and seeing things in easier proportions).

I don’t know whether I was misdiagnosed or what. I never want to say I might have outgrown the diagnosis because, as people keep pointing out (and which you completely acknowledged in your OP), autism is not something that people are meant to just grow out of, and I don’t want to insult or invalidate the lifelong experiences of others or encourage societal expectations that are going to make autistic people’s lives harder.

Sounds like you traits or quirks growing up didn't really cause you significant impairments so unlikely you'd get a diagnosis.

Most people 'outgrow' childhood difficulties - we learn, adapt etc. Some mature more slowly than others. But if your difficulties or traits didn't really cause you any problems in functioning (you haven't mentioned depression, school refusal, struggles with relationships, eating disorders, self harm, trouble holding down a job so I'm just assuming) then you wouldn't meet diagnostic criteria.

Well said. I have a severly autistic child and frankly - our voice gets drowned out by adults with ASD who frankly have a far better and full life than my child but want to cling on to the label as a reason to never get past anything. Flame me all you want. Its a fact

I feel like I cope much better and feel ‘less autistic’ because I’m an adult now with so much more control over my life. I don’t have to sit in a school not made for people like me anymore. I’ve chosen work that suits me. I live in my own house, my own space to do things the way I want to and breathe! I’ve found friends and relationships with people who get me and accept me.

Good God. Nobody is 'quickly diagnosing autism'. So far in my immediate and extended family, it has taken 79 years, 51 years, 45 years, 15 years, 14 years and two children 11 years to get a diagnosis. That's actual living YEARS of people's lives which they will never get back spent experiencing trauma, misdiagnosis, and lack of support and understanding around their needs. One of them died not long after getting the diagnosis. An entire life-time of being told they were bi-polar, stupid, had a personality disorder, psychotic, dementia etc. had OCD/Anxiety disorder/Sleep disorder, being in and out of institutions, on and off medications, - only to cark it when finally someone came along and understood. Granted, the diagnoses do seem to be speeding up, but in my opinion - 11 years is still too long...

@Finlandia86

If ever you were a highly qualified neurologist and/or psychologist working within a team of appropriately qualified professionals, pretty sure you could diagnose autism in others.
The OP anecdotal narrative indicates very limited understanding and insight into the condition.
Suggest, kindly, much more study and knowledge required on your part.
If ever you were examined and tested by a highly qualified neurologist and/or psychologist, pretty sure they would be able to make a decision about it.
The OP anecdotal narrative indicates this isn't and wasn't necessary.

@Marzipanball Did you reply to the wrong person?

Actually, there are a lot of people who don't get the diagnosis they want, even with a private assessment.

I'm in a lot of AS/ADHD groups aimed at women - and there is an absolute TON of women who come out disappointed as they were sure they were autistic, only to be told they don't meet the criteria.

The reason they post in these groups is that they often don't believe the conclusion and they are asking for advice. In the wider world these individuals are very unlikely to broadcast the fact that they paid for an autism assessment but were told they didn't meet the threshold because the reality is they'd likely be thought of as attention-seeking, or similar. There's quite a lot of scorn aimed at adults who go for a late diagnosis - as is often exhibited here on MN. I can understand why many people might not share the fact they were told that they weren't autistic.

Also worth considering the fact that it's bloody expensive to get a private diagnosis. And often it's women who aren't flush with money as they've been struggling with life in various ways, hence the strong desire for an assessment. Although there are some other things which can overlap with autism, if you're paying out hundreds (sometimes thousands) of pounds to get a private assessment, you're going to do plenty of research beforehand to be as certain as possible that it's worthwhile.