If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

You can't say a person with autism struggles more then a person with a mental illness as both are a spectrum and it's not a competition. I have bpd along with many other mental illnesses do you have any idea what that is like to live with bpd and what I have to do on a daily basis to mask and appear normal. And what happens when I'm alone after spending time with people. You want to talk extreme how about my children taken away for a period of time how about multiple times iv been sectioned, multiple times iv attempted suicide all the times I self harm to cope or stick my fingers down my throat to get some kind of release. How iv never had a relationship that lasted more then 6 months or kept a job longer then a few months. How no matter how much therapy I have it never gets better, or no pills fix it but make me like a zombie as the cmht like to keep me like a zombie as I'm calmer and less of a problem like that. But as I'm NT I can't possibly understand how someone on the lower end of the autism spectrum feels as their life is so much more of a struggle then mine.

@Icanttakethisanymore the phrase 'autism is a spectrum' essentially means that the way people with autism experience autism differs. It's not a single/linear spectrum, eg some people might have greater sensory issues but their executive functioning otherwise tends to be quite good, some people might have great language skills but struggle a lot with non verbal communication and changes to plans.
The spectrum part is for people with autism.

It's commonly misunderstood as a spectrum where neurotypical people are at one end, 'severely' autistic people at the other end and that most people fall somewhere in-between. But that's not how autism works. In the same way that being able to experience happiness and sadness doesn't make you bipolar, or being a bit off balance doesn't mean you have dyspraxia.

@SpidersAreShitheads, what many posters are objecting to on this thread is the idea difficulties can never be overcome or get any better when autism is the cause.

Yes, brain differences have been observed. I knew this. Our brains are plastic. Every time new things are learnt there are new neural pathways created. Stress can actually cause neural pathways to become dead ends (actually look like thorns) as connections fail to be found in the panic stress can cause.

Which gives me hope. That is all. I don't seek to minimise or to refuse support. All I seek is the permission to have hope that things can get better. (But I can hope without anyone's permission too. It's just a bit more difficult.)

This is a really interesting thread. I have a child with ASD and ADHD, and as any parent with a ND child will know, you become an ‘expert’ in it! I have watched many lectures by Tony Atwood, a leading researcher on Autism, and he has stated numerous times that children can develop into adults who no longer reach the clinically diagnosable threshold. I think our brains are so malleable as we grow, it’s certainly a possibility. Or, rather than ‘outgrowing it’, we adapt so we are able to participate in day-to-day life successfully.

When I was a child, my mother was questioned about whether I could have ADHD. This was in the 90s, and I am female, so I must have exhibited quite obvious symptoms! My mother insisted I was just a very active child and she never pursued a diagnosis for me. They did expect me to behave in a NT way e.g. controlling and containing my hyperactivity, and subsequently I have learnt how to behave appropriately. I am almost certain I would have been diagnosed had I been growing up now. As a teenager I had many social difficulties, emotional issues, truanting from school, finishing essays at 3am in a burst of hyper focus.

However, I feel as an adult, I haven’t outgrown my ADHD tendencies but rather the traits have manifested differently and no longer impact my life in a way that could be described as disabling.

There are overlaps , there has been discussion about BPD/EUPD coming under the ND umbrella. Autistic girls can often be wrongly diagnosed with BPD.

I said mental illness can be harder to treat with ND in the mix,it is. We’ve been told this by several professionals for all sorts of reasons.

With a lot of support I have also over come loads of my difficulties

Now that is something we do agree on I seriously question if bpd is an actual thing and not just undiagnosed autism. And I think that's why when I read anything about autism on here I'm so dismissive as it sounds normal to me so I assume it's normal for everyone which probably isn't the case

There is the spoons theory as regards managing ND difficulties .The ND doesn’t go away but spoons get taken quicker and need to be replaced or there are big challenges. So catching a bus for some autistic people might be hugely traumatic, they will need to replace the spoon taken and rest. The problems occur when normal life doesn’t facilitate replacing stores for simple things others take for granted eg after catching a bus most people need to do to work or go shopping and do lots more hugely depleting things others take for granted. MH difficulties and burnout are thus common.

It’s not a competition though eh? 🙄

No its not I'm just an oversharer 🙈🤣

@B33sandTr33s I have heard similar with regards to 'social batteries' and 'decision fatigue'. These phenomena have been observed generally.

Tbh, as with food, (just as an analogy) I think there can be a period of readjustment to a new diet or intermittent fasting, with individual variance. Or as with exercise, we can develop strength and flexibility in ways we never thought possible. But our bodies (including the brain) are amazing. We can adapt.

I'm all for giving people support and consideration. I'm all for being patient with people. However, I think we need to be sensitive enough to recognise and allow for progression.

I didn't deny there is a spectrum. I said that this does not mean everybody is on it.
People mimimise autism by saying we are all somewhere on the spectrum. That was my point. Not sure if you are being genuine or not tbh and I am not google so I am sure you can read from reputable sites if you actually want to learn.

Real life simply can’t accommodate ND to the extent it needs to allow for progression. My daughter is out of college. Getting a bus is huge for her, coping with college and being in one class let alone several, bustling corridors , eating in front of people and a gazillion other ND challenges ( big sensory issues, managing emotions , AdhD etc)…. and then the bus back. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

We can’t replace that many spoons in time.

I have heard of spoons. Dr Luke Barron references matches. The strike giving a boost but then that energy fizzles and dies out. Strike another and it, whatever your individual “it” is, is better coped with. Burnout can happen when you’ve used up your match quota and the firepower is gone.

Christ, I either fit now or fitted at some point all but one of the traits on OP's list. And not in small degrees either.

Still, too long in the tooth to do anything about it now - I'm 45. 🤷‍♀

The new criteria for autism has made it so that those with other conditions can be called autistic. I am autistic and I struggle everyday and my life is very limited. I’m about to list a number of things that I think are ridiculous for someone who is diagnosed as autistic, from the perspective of someone with no issues “ I am autistic, but I can drive a car. I have no spatial awareness issues I’m not constantly bumping into things and getting loads of bruises all the time. I can read the body language of others. And their facial expressions. I’ve never been conned by somebody or tricked, because I couldn’t read their intentions. I have a job and somehow I can go to it everyday without getting fired. I don’t have executive dysfunction and have the ability to function every day consistently enough not to lose my job. I know what is inappropriate and what is appropriate to say in different situations and to who. I feel comfortable in my body and wear things from
shein and other shitty brands, and it really doesn’t irritate me that very much at all. I can have a conversation after conversation pretty much all day and then get up the next day and time and still be able to think straight.”

thats all I can think of, no I can’t do any of those things but it’s written from the perspective of an imaginary person diagnosed as autistic who is somehow functioning

Bloody Nora… DR LUKE BEARDON

@Differentstarts I don't think the intent was to minimise your experience, and it sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot.
Of course having a serious long term mental illness is going to be a struggle for anyone. I think the point is that having autism and a mental illness is an extra complication. That's the case when anyone has multiple conditions or disabilities - the effects are compounded, though there can be some specific issues re autism. For example it's common for people with autism to have difficulties naming or explaining emotion. So that means traditional talking therapies aren't going to work and the patient can be seen as resistant.
Hospital stays are typically awful for anyone, but for someone with sensory issues they can be truly life threatening. And it's now becoming more accepted that people with autism often react differently to medication than NT people. So it's not a competition about who has it worse, more that there's some extra things to consider for people with autism and a mental health condition, and a lack of appropriate health care. Though let's be honest, the mental health system in the UK is poor for most people sadly.

What's your basis for saying that?

Real life simply can’t accommodate ND to the extent it needs to allow for progression. My daughter is out of college. Getting a bus is huge for her, coping with college and being in one class let alone several, bustling corridors , eating in front of people and a gazillion other ND challenges ( big sensory issues, managing emotions , AdhD etc)…. and then the bus back. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

@B33sandTr33s , I feel for you. It must be very challenging and heartbreaking to see her struggle. I hope you can find a solution. Whether that is a different college, moving to be closer, selling up and living a completely different lifestyle where she can do something she enjoys and make a living out of it.

You might find this interview interesting:

Not to say this person is like your daughter, or the family's experiences are like your own but that very different (&successful) lifestyles are possible just like people diverge hugely from what is expected and considered the norm.

You’ve said you’re not ND.

Let me continue actually
“ The sound of my own breath, or the breathing of others Or the sound of eating or scraping of cutlery against plates doesn’t make me want to scream. I can go out for dinner or I can have guests around. I can go into a supermarket without noise cancelling headphones and sunglasses. I will not then have a meltdown outside. Stuck in traffic want to go and grab a takeaway no it wasn’t on the itinerary that wasn’t planned in advance and doesn’t exist because I don’t need one? no problem ! changing plans will not cause a big meltdown. I don’t need to buy multiple pairs of the same type of shoe Because it doesn’t matter, if by the time I need a new pair they don’t sell anymore.”

You seem to think I’m attacking you, which I really wasn’t. When you said ‘contrary to the popular myth’ I thought you had read things to the contrary which you might like to share with an interested person. That’s it. Nothing more sinister than that.

Is this how people live this sounds like heaven